Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

[Owlunar]

That's really good about your horse @Former-Member

But so sorry about the mental breakdown - that sounds serious

Do you want to talk about it?

Dec

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member, what a lovely experience with a horse. Maybe it might help to say a bit more about how you are feeling aside from that. Even if words can't easily be found to comfort, it might help to know that others are listening anyway. 

[Former-Member]

Its so hard to describe what im feeling.

I asked my sisters nan and pop I could go uo to see this horse and they said yes, I had tears of joy from that.
Then when I got there, I completley froze and couldnt get oout of the car.
I really wanted to see her so I got out and climbed through the fence.
She whinnied at me and when I use to catch her before it was almost like a game of hide and seek and started playing that with me. Then I caught her and brang her up and gave her feeds and I sat there with her nad she kept putting her nose on my shoulder and she doesnt do that to anyone else.
My sister sat there shocked and said she never does those things to anyone else!
She kept licking my hand and she would move away from me. I put her back out when she was finished and I got some photos of her and she turned around and looked at me and was waiting for me and I called her name and she turned around and whinnied at me and came back to me and gave me a hug and she wouldnt leave me. When I say hug I mean she wraps her neck around me and rests her head on my opposite knee or hip so her hugs I literally started balling my eyes out and it looked like she had a tear in her eye as well. I couldnt leave there, it took me 2 hours to leave there, even after she had wandered off.
I havent stopped crying since I left there and again Im crying again as im writing this.

I eventually managed to get in the car and it took me a while to drive off.
Then I got home and I cant move I feel completeley frozen, I cant breathe and my psychological pain is so high

@Mazarita@Owlunar

[Mazarita]

I'm hearing you, @Former-Member. I don't have anything to offer at this moment but I am here listening. 

[SGde3a]

Do you feel like animals are nicer than people sometimes? I'm like that with my cat. You can chase them around and play tag games and dont overcritise/boss you around etc and mostly look after themselves.

[Former-Member]

I cant make it stop its hurts @Mazarita

And yes i love my animals more than people @SGde3a

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member, as hard as it seems right now, you may need to do some self care. When I'm in highly emotional states, it's often hard to come down but I keep trying to remember to relax my body and take deep breaths whenever I can. And then try to distract from the pain to give my emotions a chance to balance more. How about some colouring in? Something beautiful to focus on. I'm sick today so my suggestions may not be the most helpful. But these are the things that come into my mind. And hugs.

[Former-Member]

I dont want to move its so hard i can hardley breathe @Mazarita and my heart hurts
I dont want to do anything but u know I have to

[Mazarita]

@Former-Member, I get that feeling of not wanting to move too. Sometimes it just takes one small movement to get us going. One small movement after another leads to better feelings. Or, if that's not possible, sometimes it's okay to just curl up and let our emotions pass through us and away. Hope you feel better soon, lil sis. 

[Former-Member]

I just cant move @Mazarita it hurts