Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

[Former-Member]

I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing.
its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope.
im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done.
dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry.
im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it.
Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it.
Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade.
my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont.
im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body.
i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it.
i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover.
there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end
but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected

[Phoenix_Rising]

HI @Former-Member,

It sounds like you are super struggling right now. I have no idea whether you genuinely mean very little to the people around you or whether you do mean something and are feeling the way you are due to a flood of painful emotions. It sounds like now is not the right time to try and objectively look at whether you mean something or not, because when our brain is flooded with emotion it makes rational thought impossible. So...as I said, I have no idea whether you matter to the people in your real world or not, but I can tell you that you matter enough to me for me to have taken the time to write this post. I will sit with you in your flood of pain and hurt if you like. Would that be helpful?

[Former-Member]

@Phoenix_Rising

thank you for reading it.

i honestly done know what to do. i just feel like i cant do it anymore and i dont really want to be here

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member

My heart breaks reading this. No one should this way.

Depression has this horrible way to distort our thoughts and make us feel and think terrible things about ourselves - and it can be relentless to a point where we believe it's reality. It is really common for people with depression (and a lot of other mental illnesses) to feel these things about themselves, and often it's not the reality.

You must be exhausted.

Is there anything you can do tonight to help you rest? If being here is helpful, you're more than welcome to stick around. It looks like a few of us are here sitting with you.

If things escalate, it's really important to contact a crisis service:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or online chat

Suicide call back: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Beyondblue: 1300 22 4636 or chat

[Phoenix_Rising]

I can definitely relate to those feelings! In terms of the "it" that you feel you can't do anymore, what do you need to do right now?

[Former-Member]

sorry @NikNik i hate making people feel like that. sorry.

i feel like this quite alot and more lateley and its gettign very hard to shift.

yeah i dont just have depression, it just what im struggling with the most at the moment. (also have severe GAD, severe PTSD, mild social phobia and moderate health anxiety as well as depression.

yeah the support lines are there ive already called them. they told me to use distrations and things that ive been told to do before and already doing. im not going to SH  at least not now, the urge isnt strong enough at the moment.

@Phoenix_Rising i really dont know what to do... i guess being on here is ok for now 

[Former-Member]

F! What others think of you! You know who you are. You know what your talented at! You know the true desires of your own heart! Live them out! Re find them!!!!!

No one has a right to put expectations on anyone. Not one person in this world is perfect! Not one!!!!!!! We all have our own demons that we are fighting. Trust me on that.

I highly doubt you mean little to your friend da and family unfortunately people suck when it comes to helping someone with mental illness. Fact.

But if you don't feel they are their for you as I say to some of my friends and family f you im not wasting my time in people that give and I'm going to only hang out with those that do. I now literally can count my friends on one hand and that's ok because these people are the real deal!!!!

Don't let others get in your mind when your down. Know you worth!!! Go get some paper know and write "I am Beautiful and deserve True Happiness" hang that in your bathroom and read it allowed every time you go in there.

You know this will past it just a bitch to get through.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I don't think you need to apologise to @NikNik for her feeling sad. It's ok for people to feel sad in response to someone who is hurting. I think it's healthy - much better than a lot of mental health professionals who seem to think they need to show no emotion and thus come across as uncaring and detatched. I managed to make my GP cry last week...and it kind-of super impressed me that she showed that level of vulnerability.

Being on here sounds like a good plan. Are you a night owl? I tend to go to bed early and get up early. I will be heading off to bed soon...but I know there are plenty of others who seem to hang out on the forums at all hours of the night.

[Zoe7]

Ok my little buddy @Former-Member - firstly: you are not alone because, even though we have never met and we live in the virtual world here, we are familly. I share more of myself here than I have anywhere in any other part of my life - why? because I have learnt to trust people here because of their actions not their expectaions - that to me makes them family!  

Secondly: those feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and being trapped within yourself are ones shared by so many of us - so we can relate. Although everyone's experiences that brought out these feelings may be different - the resulting pain is shared.

Thirdly (and most importantly): You do mean SOMETHINHG and you MATTER. You matter to me - I have had a lot of difficulty accepting that you have called me your guardian butterfly because I did not feel worthy of that. After a few days I started to realise that at that particular point of your life- when you really needed the support- I was the lucky one to be around to give that to you. You are an intelligent, caring and compassionate person who has not only given me so much support but I also feel a real sense of protection towards you.

You enrich the lives of those on here that you are connected with - you are not only inclusive of others in all conversations but very careful and thoughtful in your posts and responses.

Anyone that does not show you the respect, care and love that you deserve is the one that is not worthy @Former-Member - because you DEFINITELY ARE 

[Former-Member]

yeah @Phoenix_Rising i am abit of a night owl until i take my meds then its half hour and im asleep but i dont take them until about 11ish

@Former-Member thanks for the advice. the trouble is ive always been one to worry about what people think and when i live with the people that seem to hate me it makes it harder