Thanks @Sophia1
Yes - I need to forget about that therapist - she said a few things that grated - I had my doubts about her at times and she tended to want to pick around in my past and I have learned I will not go there with a therapist again - there are many things I know and do not need to share - and this one had a habit of asking me a question and when I thought about my answer she would jump in with another question - perhaps she didn't like the silence but for me it is in silence that I find the answer to questions and silence can be a good thing at the right time
I never really could please my mother - now I know that was an impossibility - I am glad I was true to myself but one thing she would skite about to her friends was that I didn't cry. So I didn't and I wouldn't and that was a mistake. Mmmmm - let that one go - I am having a leaky day today and maybe I could use the tears to wash the dishes but they will be there later when I am through catching up on line
It's so good to have the internet back. We all have it for a reason
Back in 2004 I had been in hospital for a few days to have some nerve blocks in my facet joints - lumbar spine - and I was miserable when I got home - alone - on an equally bleak day as today in winter with the anniversary coming up. A friend came by and suggestion I get onto the internet and I was not at all sure how it could help but I got onto dial up with a free month - then stared at the computer and thought "Now I have the internet what do I do with it?"
14 years later I know - it has been an interesting journey - and not having it through the same kind of weather as all those years back is ironic and it really irritates me when people say about our increasing technology "We become dependent on these things"
Yes - we do - but we live in a different world where people work more and there are millions of people living alone or are isolated through other means and the ability to connect with each other is vital just as I remember my mother chatting with neighbours over the back fence or in the street -
People need each other - we evolved that way
Now I am rabbitting on - I guess I am a philosopher
True - no one can take away my son and my memories and the love and the anguish or having a child with MI. I might be - sure I am actually - the only person who cares now - it's really hard yards caring for a destructive and self-destructive child and I know he couldn't help himself - he could not see the natural borders of life and he had a few minor physical problems as well and then there was his race - we do not know what secrets an adopted child brings into the world with him and his race was one of them.
After a long search I did find his birth-mother and she did admit to him being of mixed race and I didn't mind - he was confused though
I feel he had so much stacked against him and how do I feel about all of this now? Sad - yes - why would I not feel sad that someone I loved so much being so overwhelmed by the unalterable? I can leave that there knowing I feel no resentments - sorry other people acted as they did but able to let the facts go
The sadness stays though - maybe that is the price for searching for the truth - the past cannot be changed - not through my tears nor my understanding - and the past contains the building blocks for the future
One of these is that I will be okay - I have always got through it and I have a long history of getting through it - and this is a great thing - one of gifts to younger people.
As we grow older one of our choices is how to use our own stories and my choice it to let people know that we can endure, gain understanding, survive and pass on the truth
I am such a philosopher
Dec
