Life can be a Pain

[Former-Member]

Glad youve had a pj day, me to (but i dont wear pj's so nobody knows hehe). Its wise to limit exposure yo bugz. Our surgery has masks and handwash now. I was only just thinking how horrible it would be if dad cought one of these RTI - God knows we're at the medical centre oft enough.
Gotta stay nourished... as well.
Glad youre self caring in this way.
I'd be beside myself if i got really sick atm. No me support and all. So So totally 'get' it. Spring will be here soon enough. Take care ❤
.

[Zoe7]

I am looking forward to Spring @Former-Member - I love the flowers coming out - makes life just that little bit brighter  You take care of yourself too Lapses - I better get dinner organised 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Zoe7

It is wonderful to know that you are only a tag away - or if not you someone else who cares and it is a safe place - a soft place to land - and yes - today is one of those days when my back aches and my heart hurts and I wish I didn't have all of this

But I do - and for all of it I would not change anything because of all I have learned through these years - and so long - my son would be in his late 40s now - and hard to imagine because he will always be young and I am getting older and today I really feel it

And I don't like complaining but here I can and people understand - now I am starting to cry and this I don't like at all. It seems totally unreasonable that I was without the internet for nearly 2 weeks at this time of year when the problem was that I had water in my phone connection and it was fixed in a few minutes yesterday - 

Aw- this is horrible and I feel so sad and I have a sense of loss that can turn into total devastation very quickly - and just as quickly I can get out of it - there is never any sense within me that I can't go on - I just feel really tired today - and a bit lost inside

It's hard for me to open up about this - and that last therapist - ah - she told me that I had adopted my son and that was a good thing - he had a better life - but I was upset at this - I guess I always am because with all my best efforts he died anyway,

I gave him everything I had - and I lost my family of origin - which considering all things that was not a great loss - something that is good to know actually - but still - for all I gave he died anyway

And I think this story is too hard for other people and keep so much of myself when and since he died - 

He is not an unhappy teenager now - whatever happens after death he is at peace after his troubled life. Most of the time I am okay about it but then there are these days, Nobody told me there'd be days like this but here we are

I am just so glad I finally got onto my server about this and glad the problem was fixed so quickly - I feel totally useless today but I have shared what is on my heart and in my mind.

I don't give up easily so I will be okay - just have to get past the hard part

Dec

I have shared so much here I need to add more tags

@Former-Member@Appleblossom@Shaz51@Faith-and-Hope@Sophia1@outlander

I'm so glad I have so  many friends here

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I love your new avatar pic - it is such a cute little guy - I have lots of owls in my collections by now but not that one - sometimes I get a weird little idea that I need to give them names - but not right now

I was not able to mention my birthday - I knew I shared the date with your mother - there you are - the proof we were meant to be here together in all this chaos - I am so glad we are here together in the forum family

It's so great to be sisters in the Forum Family - I know so much about you but I wouldn't know you if I was sitting next to you - I wouldn't share with anyone in my ordinary life but I do here - I guess a lot of people feel this way - but you and I share so much Lapses - and as far as friendships in a forum go I do love you - and I care about you and I seem to understand what you write about your life 

I don't have PJs either - I usually wear old t-shirts to bed - it's easier to get up if I just have to pull on a pair of trakky daks - shower when I am in the mood and winters are tough work and right now I feel really tired and yet I know I will get through this - I always do - the passage of time has taught me so much.

This I can share - as tough as things get I know it will pass - winter will pass - I might have to have another operation on my knee - I might need that knee replacement after all - not that the orthopaedic surgeon thinks I needed it after the arthroscopy last year - but not taking my walks is really slowing me down

So I do understand the pain you have Lapses - and I have been through the years of getting around to actually having all the tests I had - the hard part of convincing medical people about how bad it was - so I get it

I never had to care for my aging parents - my sister wanted that role all to herself and my mother was busy being nasty to me so I left them to it - it was hard not seeing Dad without everyone else around but I did have my chance before he died - 

So I don't know what it's like having your family interferring in the wonderful act of love you have looking after your Dad now - and I don't know what it's like caring for someone with dementia but I know this - as hard as it is for you it is a truly  loving thing you are doing and God loves you

Best wishes Lapses

I wuv you Lapses

wow - what a big owl

Dec

[Sophia1]

Hello @Owlunar

I read your words and felt your despair..

Yes I felt sad...this is not a bad feeling though...this is connecting with your feelings and my own of grief..

I think that you are very justified in feeling angry about your internet connection lost...whether it was an act of nature or a glitch with the company...your feelings are real..

I do not feel that you are complaining ...you are expressing how you are feeling..

I understand the discomfort..it is hard when we are not accustomed to sharing these thoughts..

The same with crying....crying is good for you..body's way of releasing emotions....hard to do if told not to when a child though.....my experience..

Your son will be forever young in your heart.....how you remember him...loving him..times when you just knew how much he loved you back..nobody can rob you of those moments...

forget if you can what therapist said...hold onto what is meaningful for you..

I know my own grief...

I will hold you in yours...in your mind if you would like that..

I will be back on here later....💜

[Zoe7]

@Owlunar I am glad you have a space here that you can talk about how you are feeling and share some of your journey/experiences with us 

I understand that feeling of being lost - it sometimes seems like it comes out of the blue but it is very real and hard to understand at times. You have endured so much and maybe that lost feeling is your way to stop processing some of it for a time to protect yourself - this is often how I feel. 

Your son would be about the same age as me - we have discussed this before - maybe this is why I feel so connected to you and are so happy for you to tag me and unload whatever is in your mind snd heart - an outlet for your grief, sorrow and also for the happier moments. right now those happier moments feel a distance away but they will return - this is just a period you need to get through (as you have done so before) - lots of self-care Dec and thinking of all the good times you have shared with others.

I know you will be looking after yourself through this as you are a strong, capable and wise woman and I have so much repsect for you but everyone needs that shoulder occasionally and I am glad that I can provide that for you right now.

Love and hugs (and the image of the mountain here covered in snow) 

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Sophia1

Yes - I need to forget about that therapist - she said a few things that grated - I had my doubts about her at times and she tended to want to pick around in my past and I have learned I will not go there with a therapist again - there are many things I know and do not need to share - and this one had a habit of asking me a question and when I thought about my answer she would jump in with another question - perhaps she didn't like the silence but for me it is in silence that I find the answer to questions and silence can be a good thing at the right time

I never really could please my mother - now I know that was an impossibility - I am glad I was true to myself but one thing she would skite about to her friends was that I didn't cry. So I didn't and I wouldn't and that was a mistake. Mmmmm - let that one go - I am having a leaky day today and maybe I could use the tears to wash the dishes but they will be there later when I am through catching up on line 

It's so good to have the internet back. We all have it for a reason

Back in 2004 I had been in hospital for a few days to have some nerve blocks in my facet joints - lumbar spine - and I was miserable when I got home - alone - on an equally bleak day as today in winter with the anniversary coming up. A friend came by and suggestion I get onto the internet and I was not at all sure how it could help but I got onto dial up with a free month - then stared at the computer and thought "Now I have the internet what do I do with it?"

14 years later I know - it has been an interesting journey - and not having it through the same kind of weather as all those years back is ironic and it really irritates me when people say about our increasing technology "We become dependent on these things"

Yes - we do - but we live in a different world where people work more and there are millions of people living alone or are isolated through other means and the ability to connect with each other is vital just as I remember my mother chatting with neighbours over the back fence or in the street - 

People need each other - we evolved that way

Now I am rabbitting on - I guess I am a philosopher

True - no one can take away my son and my memories and the love and the anguish or having a child with MI. I might be - sure I am actually - the only person who cares now - it's really hard yards caring for a destructive and self-destructive child and I know he couldn't help himself - he could not see the natural borders of life and he had a few minor physical problems as well and then there was his race - we do not know what secrets an adopted child brings into the world with him and his race was one of them.

After a long search I did find his birth-mother and she did admit to him being of mixed race and I didn't mind - he was confused though

I feel he had so much stacked against him and how do I feel about all of this now? Sad - yes - why would I not feel sad that someone I loved so much being so overwhelmed by the unalterable? I can leave that there knowing I feel no resentments - sorry other people acted as they did  but able to let the facts go 

The sadness stays though - maybe that is the price for searching for the truth - the past cannot be changed - not through my tears nor my understanding - and the past contains the building blocks for the future

One of these is that I will be okay - I have always got through it and I have a long history of getting through it - and this is a great thing - one of gifts to younger people.

As we grow older one of our choices is how to use our own stories and my choice it to let people know that we can endure, gain understanding, survive and pass on the truth

I am such a philosopher 

Dec

[Owlunar]

Hi @Zoe7 and thanks so much

Yes - I do need that shoulder - I have learned so much through my life and become used to standing on my own feet and carrying my load and singing a lot - in fact I have not been singing today though I remember I sang to the cat last night

Just an aside - the little cover over the controls on my little heater in the bedroom came off and I not using it during the night - and the cat doesn't understand but knows that the heater is not on and meows in a strident voice about that - I have started calling her Queen Victoria - she has become so tryrannical - and I will get another heater as soon as I feel better - in the meantime I will sing to the cat

And cry and sing whenever I think of it - 

When it comes to processing - yes - I have not tried to get onto the new psychologist my GP wrote a referral for - I think there are places in my soul I do not want to revisit out loud. A lot of it has to do with my mother and the rotten stuff she said but why keep repeating it? It doesn't make it any less - I have been a lot better since she died and don't ask myself every day if I should visit her for another earful and tell myself not to go - all over now - I am much better - I don't need to tell another therapist about this

The story of my son though - it's precious - but I don't always want to talk about it - I can talk about the things he said and those moments which are like small and precious flowers - or gems - let them settle or float as they will - my son died on the 16th of July - the very middle of winter - the days are already getting slightly longer now - and although the wind is cold - and that mountain is covered with snow - spring is starting to show around here - I like to walk and look in people's gardens - or my own - and see buds already getting ready - swelling ever so slightly - my roses have tiny buds - tiny, tiny buds - 

The winter of my grief - I will not call it discontent because I am not discontented - is only a few weeks really - and it will be easier - I am sharing a lot of my thoughts today - I like to share my thoughts if not events in my past - 

I remember watching a storm from my hotel room as it came over the mountain - and the mountain was swallowed up by it and I saw the lightning - and heard the thunder from miles away - and the day I came home there was a brilliant sunrise - I took some photos - I must try and send some - I would love to share them with you

We certainly connected - Zoe - and you and my son are about the same age - as is my youngest cousin - born after my son and I am in touch with him too

But whatever - connections are good things to have - and I find the best things are often intangible

Thanks Zoe

Dec

[Zoe7]

Finding those moments of joy - the tiny buds on the roses, the lightning over the mountain - all of nature at it's finest - can be so heartlifting in the moment @Owlunar - often those things take us outside of ourselves - if only for the briefest of moments - but those moments cannot always be put into words and they are precious!

I am hoping with spring comes a new sense of 'life' for me also Dec. I can see that I have made some huge steps forward - and like the days, those times are getting longer - but there is still that underlying view that 'life' will not get better, that this is as good as it is going to get and that the future will hold the same amount of pain that the past has done. Trying to move forward without hope is near impossible - some days there is that glimmer of hope and other days the darkness descends.

i can however hope that I get to a point much like yourself that the past is not forgotten but it is dealt with somewhat and you can move on from it. My pdoc is still of the belief that going over much of what has happened to me is counter-productive at this point and I agree to a certain point - a bit the opposite to you and your psychologist - you have already dealt with the past in your own way and are more positive in looking to the here and now and moving forward looking at the furture - for me I am so stuck in past hurt and fear that I don't think I can move on until I confront that and deal with it.

Sorry this became more about me than you - that was not my intention but it is also nice to know that I can 'unload' on you as you can with me - that mutual respect and care is invaluable to me here Dec 

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Zoe7

Moments of joy - like tiny jewels - are precious - like the early morning preceeding a really hot day when I took my son to the beach at dawn and we didn't get cold swimming because of the hot spell - and the rocks in the water were brightly coloured but not when we took them out and they dried. He asked me why and at that time I didn't know but now I know the light in the water changes - and somehow that memory returns often - he was about 8 at the time and that early morning is precious - and the traffic on the highway was pretty low at the time and no one else was about - just the two of us and Port Phillip Bay

Time does change things - it's over thirty years since he died and I was going no where fast - I was lost in my depression and sorrow as much as anyone here - but yes - it did change - and not suddenly either. It took a lot of time and a lot of hard work and learning to tell people ENOUGH if they said the wrong thing and then learning not to - just find the usual polite reason to leave for the time being - 

And my thought about needing to tell the story - we won't get past it until we tell it enough - something your pdoc needs to know and perhaps it's because he's male and sees things differently. I can share that during her lifetime the things my mother said to me reall hurt so deeply I could not let them go - and I remember telling someone it hurt to much to let them go - even though they touched very deep parts of my soul so painfully - to this day I cannot understand a woman saying things like that to her child but she did. It actually took her dying for me to really let go of it and I had to see a therapist about it. How can we let go of the spear in our heart when it is still in place - I believe we have to hold onto it until we are ready to pull it out and there's no count-down - one, two, three etc before it's the right moment - it happens in it's own time and I believe - I truly do - that the right time comes and talking about it helps people - will help you - to find that time - and one day - after a session - you will know as you cry about it for the last time - it is out - it is over - and yes - sometimes you will be sad about it but inside yourself you will know that it is out and the healing can being

I will always feel sad about my son and that is okay - that is my choice - my mother though - I am sad about the way she was - but it is over and she can't hurt me anymore, I looked deep inside my memories and asked my uncles about her and found the truth and let go - it's really hard work and I don't know what the pain is about for you - for me it was my mother - and my son - and healing will come - that's the good news - but it might be a long time - and maybe that's the way it is - it takes time and talking about it

I have contradicted my therapists - it took a long time to get to that point - but at my age with my education and experience I have learned to have the right to have my opinion - and they are human after all - and younger than me - and I don't know if they have read more deeply than I have but - I have told them when I have considered what they say is not what I agree with

whew!!

It is okay for you to unload on me - we have a mutual respect and trust of each other and this is invaluable - I am glad you were able to share and thankful you did

Time does pass and this does heal - it is more than just an old saying - 

Dec