Struggling

[utopia]

So I started seeing my Psychologist again, 2 weeks ago. I am having trouble trying not to overreact, get angry, breakdown, etc, when dealing with my emotions. I don't know how to feel things "normally" anymore, or if I ever did.

I thought after I finally went into remission for my Depression, that I would be "cured" of any further problems. Not of depression, I know mine isn't curable. But I just didn't expect to have issues, and pain..

Being single for 13 odd years, I have been relying on my mum. To back me up. Support me. Agree with me. Boost me up.

But lately I feel she is letting me down. Telling me I get angry over situations that I can't fix, that I just have to accept. Issues like women peacefully protesting, and the PM suggesting we should be grateful we weren't shot. Aboriginal incarcerations, children in jails, refugees tortured in detention centres both here and off shore. 

I believe we can solve these issues. I believe compassion and kindness needs to be valued more highly than economics and corporate greed.

But mum turned around the other night, and told me, "you have a mental illness, you can't be fighting these fights, you'll get sick again". So I say, "well who will fight, you?" and she says "no, I did my bit, i entered a male dominated industry. I was there to help feminism along". So I screamed, "BULLSHIT. You joined that industry because it interested you. You were not doing it to improve the lives of other women. SHIT. What feminism did you teach us kids? You stayed with a violent, drunk, non diagnosed Vietnam Vet, who screwed up my sister and I. And why? Why did you stay with him and keep us all in danger? Because "you loved him'. What a f ing joke. And after us kids had all grown up and become adults, why did you finally leave him then? No for us kids, but because he wanted shares in your business. That was nothing to do with feminism. That was nothing to do with protecting your kids. No you did it because he would embarrass you if he worked there". And I hung up. Haven't spoken to her since.

All these old hurts and memories from my childhood have been bubbling up for the last couple of months.

My feelings are jumbled and intense. I go from 0 to 100 in less than a second, and I can't even tell you what emotion I'm feeling.

So today my Psychologist starts talking about, anxiety, stress and anger, and asks which one am I feeling. I say anger, everytime. He says no, it is stress or anxiety, and then if it is not dealt with it moves to anger. So I need to feel what my body is doing, between the 0 and 100, so I can just "sit with that feeling". Like, what the f!

My feelings are too intense to just "sit with".

So I am getting angrier and angrier in the session, and lonlier, and lonlier as each second passes. 

I am tired of doing it all on my own. I am tired of feeling. At least in my Depression, I didn't feel.

So my old thoughts are attacking me tonight. Things like -.this will never get better, you have no friends, you are all alone, etc, etc. And the suicidal voice screams loud in the background.  Waiting. Waiting.

I am going to bed for a very early sleep. I hate feelings. I like to sleep them away, and try and delude myself that tomorrow will get better.

Don't worry, I won't end myself tonight.

[Shaz51]

ohhh hugs my friend @utopia 

[Zoe7]

Hey my beautiful cocky friend @utopia I agree with you - if no single individual stands up for what is wrong then nothing will change. You have every right to feel as you do and want things to be better - for everyone - as well as yourself. I also agree that your mother seems to be viewing the facts from behind a selfish lense. ...and as for anger - that is not an emotion that should be minimised or rejected - it is an emotion and you are quite in your right to feel that. You have been through so much and you yourself know the difference between anger, anxiety and stress - so trust yourself.

I am going to however remind you of just how fr you have come. Wht you are feeling now is uncomfortable and intense but you have been through so much over the years I have know you - you have fought that bureaucracy (and won), you have raised your son and you have been a voice for many on here to fight for their own rights and needs. Do not let your mother reduce your current state to JUST MI - compasssion and kindness for those suffering with so much throughout the world should be at the forefront of eeryone's mind ...and if your mother cannot come along for that ride then do it on your own ...because one voice can lead to a chorus and you matter 

[Former-Member]

Hey @utopia, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling overwhelmed with everything on your mind. You sound like such a caring and compassionate person. I hope you are able to get some good sleep tonight.

I also wanted to let you know you're always welcome to ring the SANE Help Centre for support on 1800 18 7263, or the following crisis services after hours-

Lifeline: 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

Take good care,

Sphinxly

[Owlunar]

Oh yes @utopia  - I hear you

You thought your depression was over - the way you are feeling right now has to be disappointing in a major way

And you have had a row with your mother - not a good thing to feel - it seems you are in touch with a lot of social reality and it concerns you - causing  you some distress. She doesn't understand how seriously you take these social issues - and she has a past too - and life does go on from day to day and when there is concern there can be worry - sometimes turning to anxiety

Probably sorting through your emotions  will take time - I feel certain that you are entitled to the way you feel - perhaps your anger will settle as you do. 

I can get pretty angry sometimes - I have been waiting at home day after day for my NBN to be connected and this is frustrating. Add together my bundle of hassles and bothers and whatevers - I let my frustrations out on the person who rang me this evening about the NBN and I did raise my voice - so I get it really Utopia. Enough is enough and if it goes further than your nerves etc can stand - it can get out of hand

But this is your Mum and this isn't good - I hope it works out quickly - yeah - I really do

It seems as if anger is one of your major issues right now. I always think it's better to own our emotions rather than batten them down so they find their way inside.  I really do working through things slowly will eventually work

I was depressed for years during my son's life-time and after he died - I seem to have come to terms with all  the chaos in his life - I had to accept what it was - that path takes time to find. Who knows about the future though - we can hope - sometimes we don't know what we should hope for.

It's good that you are seeing a psychologist but it's a bit touchy right now. Go for it though Utopia - talking through things is the way to go if your psychologist it the right fit for you

I do wish you the best and hope things settle for you

Lots of hugs and best thoughts

Dec

[utopia]

@Owlunar @Zoe7 @Shaz51 

Slept for almost 2 hours, but dogs woke me up, needing to go outside for a wee and a drink. They don't like it if I break routine and go to bed early.

I guess it really comes down to 2 main things.

1. I don't like to feel uncomfortable, in emotional pain, out of control.

My adult life I have liked the illusion of being in control.

I don't know what to do with these feelings. I have no idea how you are meant to just "sit with it". This just seems to encourage my suicidal voice to get louder.

2. I am lonely. I have no one to back me up, give me a hug, hear me, support me. 

I am tired of doing it all on my own. I want to have a love. To feel supported and cared for. For someone to love and want me, even when I go from 0 to 100. Someone to sit with me and tell me it will be fine.

It's not natural to be alone for so long.

[Zoe7]

Like you @utopia I find it unhelpful to be told to 'sit with' those feelings especially when the intensity of them is so large. I too have difficulties with those big things you mentioned earlier about the injustices in the world and find it unforgiveable that profit is put before compassion and kindness - but I also know that I have no real control over that ...we can provide a voice for change but if the 'powers that be' do not listen then I cannot control that. ...but those feelings need an outlet so maybe try contacting your local member to share your views as a start.

I do hear you about the loneliness Hon and wish it was so different for you. No doubt this latest disagreement with your Mum is fuelling those feelings too. I really have no advice for you on this one though ...it is super hard.

[Owlunar]

@utopia @Zoe7 

Sit with it. Ha! - I was told I had to sit in the rain and this seemed stupid when I have legs and can get up, walk around and find something better

But hard-yards and tough feelings - the need to move on but a devastating lask of support to do so - yes - I was there back in the 80s - it all seems a long - loooong - time ago now,

It seems as though things are tough between you and your Mum @utopia  - I hope your Mum is the kind of person who is understanding - she has been your mainstay many times - and it is natural for mothers and daughters to have their cactus-moments - hopefully it will pass.

When it comes to love - we all need that - support, company, people to listen and perhaps argue with. I understand that.

Through this pandemic I have been more solitary than normally and I am a solitary being - and comfortable with that. I have learned through my support workers that many of their other clients are not coping at all - crying and following the workers around while they work. 

We all need to feel useful and able to help other people too - but how do we find other people with this pandemic and the lockdownslockdownslockdowns

It's not easy Utopia but we understand - we are here are limited as on-line contact is

We get it

Dec

Prickly moments - I hope yours pass quickly

[Shaz51]

hello and hugs @utopia 

how are you today my friend xxx