APPROACHING SURE?

[Appleblossom]

I had a drive into the country yesterday to attend a christmas lunch with people that I did not really know.  I am needing to process what happened. If anyone would like to respond.

[Shaz51]

how did it go my friend xx @Appleblossom

[Appleblossom]

A lot of it went well. @Shaz51 thanks for replying.  It was a lovely drive through the country.

It was a christmas do for forgotten Australians .. it was a "social group" .. in a pub .. and the meal was paid for through govt funded body.

When I left I said "its ALL GOOD" etc .. and but felt locked into my diplomatic calm everybody down persona.

But during the conversations .. I also got to a stage where I was coulghing and spluttering and trying to get a word in .. and doubling up againn .. and feeling my breathe violently sucked out of me .. and then put my head on the table and submitted and went into my eternal counsellor/ listener stance ..

but during the night .. I felt a bit violated by how some of the conversations went .. wish i wasnt so dumb, reflective and sensitive.

How are you at the moment @Shaz51? 

[Shaz51]

yes my friend @Appleblossom

I noticed you said  A lot of it went well

so did you sleep ok last night or were your thoughts keeping you awake xx

I know what you mean , my mind goes over everything that was said and I would say -- Why Did I say that for !!

ah ha and my hubby is really great because after an outing , he will say something negative , or say was she or he having a go at me . and that would keep me awake for hours thinking what everyone had said while hubby is snoring his head off

we mowed 2 lawns this morning and the rest of the day off since 9-30am

How am I at the moment -- not sure @Appleblossom , got a few feeling flying around at the moment xx

[Appleblossom]

lol "Not Sure" can be more honest than all the certainties that are often thrown around socially.

It was partly my thoughts but also partly my physical experience at the time ..

It relates to my sense of being invisible which relates to being silenced, and being pushed out of groups even when I pull my weight. Feeling I have to sacrifice or deny myself to a huge  level .. to be acceptable or belong anywhere.

Most of the people there have had to deal with a lot.  The one who was most domineering also had the most advantaged life and said her kids had a good life and were well supported.

 I "felt" as if my heart was yanked out of my body and then trounced all over ... by her controlling and assuming and speaking over .. and not listening .. from seemingly nowhere came a most intimate and violent and brutal part of my history .. which was the bit she trounced .. 

The 'powers that be' think that peer support .. works .. but what does it actually mean .. I tried to connect with her on a peer level .. but she was a solo drama queen .. nobody was her equal .. so now I feel savaged .. not sure if I will see her again ..  now am very ambivalent about the group.

Today, my son is ill, left on train to "do his thing" but then cancelled and came home. So still working on what comes up.

[Appleblossom]

Feel like my guts and entrails are left hanging once again .. either that or I am invisible and not worth a proper reply.

So its back to the "I dont yell loud enough" and "I dont cry hard enough" or .. I am SOOOOO RESILIENT that nobody gives a stuff cos she will bounce back up.

Or I havent spent enough time putting my needs on hold and taking notice and being careful of others' needs ... which I doubt is the truth.

Tell me what do I have to do to get a timely relevant response, that is not so superficial that it feels like a brush off? Or am I just in the too hard basket? Did I commit the deep and meaningful crime?

[Shaz51]

Hello @Appleblossom

The one who was most domineering also had the most advantaged life and said her kids had a good life and were well supported.-- ah most times it is not true my friend , People make things up to make them look better , that`s why I don`t like going to school class reunions

Sometimes I feel like that , yelling out "WHAT ABOUT ME"

[TAB]

..wondering what you think your 'crime' was @Appleblossom ? guessing people only see threads that they are subscribed to re starting a new one ..made me think of bumping into a guy from school in small country town maybe 10-15 years after having left school, can still picture him standing in half closed door yelling to anyone 'I am not a sideshow' ..was sad

[Kurra]

Hi @Appleblossom
I too get into situations where I appear to become completely invisible or is it that other people become completely indifferent to me?

In these situations I do have a choice. I can choose to be the dark horse - the quiet one in the corner or I can the empty vessel making the most noise. My choice, whilst not always successful, is to strike a balance somewhere in the middle.
In my experience the best way to get heard is to speak quietly at the first lull in the conversation. When I speak quietly, people have to concentrate more to gear me. This usually means that I do get heard.
I'm sorry to hear you feel disturbed by the conversations you had.
Thinking of you 💕 🎶

[Appleblossom]

Thanks @TAB yes it is sad when people feel they are a side show .. or have to defend themselves from feeling that way .. and when you knew them earlier in a better situation ..

@Kurra Your response was relevant and thoughtful, thanks.

I was the quiet one .. but why is that a dark horse .. I would get all the "quiet ones cause the most trouble"

or you never know what they are hiding .. or generalisations of the like .. before I had even opened my mouth .. 

I have a query about the choice thing. Choice assumptions really give me the pip.  After many years overcoming my fear of rejection ...and not being heard or listened to .. I began to cultivate an assertive persona .. which could function in leadership and initiate or make jokes (about myself) .. and refused to be the blushing wallflower anymore .. or the butt of someone else joke... so started to challenge others who seemed so sure they could get away with stuff.

I dont seem to have sufficiently integrated the 2 parts of me assertive & shy.  I can decide not to relate .. but I guess I also longed for the ebb & flow of conversation .. but it became cut & thrust really quickly.

Maybe the sense that I didnt have REAL choice at that lunch in what I revealed .... I did not feel safe .. because maybe I dont really know what a safe relationship feels like, which is why I went open on the net on this forum. Dont worry, I will deal with it, manage it .. have taken notes and if run into same people will clarify etc. But the feeling after the event was awful so I am glad that I got to "talk" about it with a bit of back & forward .. and not just air it.

I think there had been previous argy bargy that I was not aware of .. between the other participants .. and that is what made the barometer .. change so quickly. I know I can change quickly too .. and tried to keep up maybe ..  I have to keep at it though .. being social .... there was a lovely connection that I started with one lady .. so will focus on that .. 

 I had made the choice to BE INVOLVED @Kurra.. but within that group of 4 women talking I didnt feel I had sufficient space to be able to exercise REAL choice about what I revealed or to manage what came out of me .. I will have to work on it with my psych.