NOT SURE?

[Former-Member]

hello @Appleblossom

I think I understand what you are saying.

I fit into the listener category. Look attentive, body language engaged, ask questions about the other person. respond and feel after a while has that person actually stopped for a breath?

I have been left feeling why cant i just join the conversation easily like others seem to do so naturally where I have found myself on occasion so furious I have actually put my hand up and said excuse me (as though being back in school)

some people just have to be the centre of attention and sometimes I wonder if that is because they are actually very insecure. Very loud, extroverted people can actually be very frightened inside and use volume and non stop talking as a cover up.

I find it i am already feeling sensitive I am more affected. At other times, I listen and find the conversation quite boring.

I am finding that as I get older I like fewer people. I love animals.

It is definitely not you. It is them. As for physical reaction something said or a look might have triggered something inside. I would discuss that with a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist. I find my husband and family just look at me oddly if I talk about anything with any depth. Although my husband is better than most just not as deep as me. Even my psychiatrist said "you are very deep ....."

i think the world needs people like us they might just not realise it. That is their problem. Just keep on being the wonderful person you are. Be true to you.

As to a response not quite sure what you mean. Perhaps your comment has touched a raw nerve for them and they are feeling inadequate because they dont know how to respond.

[Former-Member]

hope you have a restful night

[Former-Member]

that would be a difficult situation to be in and to have those expectations of yourself if you had not met those people before. From what you have said and if I have interpreted it correctly I think you acted perfectly. I would not reveal myself to someone I had just met. the fact that you related to one lady in itself is great. there may have been others there who related to no one. I hope I have not misinterpreted. I don't want to confuse or upset you further. the fact that you are thinking about how it went and talking about it on here tells me that you are the better person and have done nothing wrong.

[Appleblossom]

Thank you @Former-Member

That is very much the way it was.  

The group are all very vulnerable and yes, some, due to compensatory mechanisms are very loud.  So I need to decide how I am going to manage it.  So that I retain a sense of dignity over my story and how much I tell .. I am there as a "client" so I should be able to have a say. 

It was the sense that even after all the work on myself that I have done .. in the heat of the moment ..in a new social situation ..  I didnt have full control of the contents of my heart and to whom and how I share it.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Appleblossom

Sorry to hear that you felt trampled over by someone... I guess we can only understand our own experiences fully.. the other woman probably cant fathom the depth of what you've been through if she has had a more balanced/privelidged life.. but perhaps has had her own darkness/difficulties that have affected her that werent shared. Regardless of her experience.. its good that you're able to acknowledge the hurt that you felt at her words.

I have been avoiding the staff room at work for somewhat similar reasons. There are over 70 people at my work and Christmas is bringing out all the wonderful family oriented stories. people have started asking me about my family and asking what am i doing for xmas.. not things im comfortable in talking about.. and if i do say i dont ahve family/support i get these very airy replies about how they know what thats like because their family lives in the next town... or in even in the next capital city etc.. I dont share much though, just what i have to.. to be both honest and polite. I try to smile through the flippant responses. 

How much to share and when... particularly in a new situation... and even more complicated when you're with other vulnerable people brought together under those circumstances. 

If you could go back and do over, would you share more now? 

lj

[Appleblossom]

Glad to hear from you @Former-Member .. and I can only imagine the staff room dynamics .. our soloist in choir .. teaches in a girls school and promises me that there are a lot of dummy spits and that its not all nice .. and polite .. but she admits she has always been an indulged child at the centre of attention ..  she was trying to reassure me after my first dummy spit at choir .. which was probably my first ever in my life in a public place .. which was semi professh .. you have to do what you think is best .. and what you feel is safe .. and when you have found some relationships with peers at work that you can trust.  No rush.

There was one sentence that I said at the christmas lunch .. that I felt was ripped out of me .. I know it sounds weird .. but it was about the last time I saw my dead brother alive and it was a horrible event .. I didnt feel I had control .. and I am getting too long in the tooth .. for that .. thats all 

Night Bella .. take care of you and

thanks for being friends

[Former-Member]

ahh.. i see now @Appleblossom that you were in a social situation where pushy person pushed you for information... and being that situation within that group i can imagine it would have been very difficult to stay emotionally safe. 

lj

[Appleblossom]

Thank you @Former-Member thats right. This thread has turned out to be helpful, so thank you all.

I took prn yesterday but was still too open that when today at Centrelink .. I passed a girl/woman with scarring on her face, I almost physically doubled up in pain when it registered mentally what she had been through.  Luckily she did not see my response but my son did, so I had to explain that it wasnt about him, cos he thought he had done something wrong.  

So I need to learn that my level of openness is what gets me triggered and layer on some protective coating when I leave the house.

[Former-Member]

"I didnt have full control of the contents of my heart and to whom and how I share it"

@Appleblossom this is me too. How to socialise with honesty and integrity but hold dignity too? For me I've always been the chameleon changing my colours to blend in. Everyone else's spots were always more important and more interesting than mine. I don't know how I'll address social situations when it happens again. Having isolated from the big wide ugly world for so many years I'm sure I will be burned lots of times. Some of the few times I have I've fallen for the above statement. I do not have good boundaries for keeping myself safe during conversations yet either.

My heart goes out for you because I know how much this venturing into the social world means to you. Don't give up though. You have so much to give and I'm sure your conversation skills and content would be much more interesting than mine. I liked @Kurra suggestions about choosing how to involve yourself. We are all struggling with this? Take care 💜🤗💐

[Former-Member]

how are you going @Appleblossom ?
I have been thinking of you, hoping that you're coping ok,
lj