not feeling good

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @BlueBay ...... 🤗💕🐚

Soooo good to hear from you ❣️

I picked up your email yesterday, but it was an on-the-go day, and I face-planted my iPad too early to respond last night.

It sounds like things are really calming down by degrees, and I am really, really glad to see you are not only settling in, but picking up new challenges as well.

Keep taking care of you ..... you are doing so well ..... 😘💕🌷

[BlueBay]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @NikNik @outlander and others I have forgotten

I think I have hit a bump - I am in a 'depressive downer'

I have stopped my meds since last night, I saw my GP this morning and told him I am going to stop them (I couldn't tell him I have already stopped).  He told me to not stop them because it will cause my depression to be a whole lot worse and it may cause me to have a stroke if i don't take my meds.

I started to cry and told him i feel so isolated at work because others leave me out when they talk about stuff.  I feel so alone that i end up walking off and dusting an area.  I donm't feel included.  And one of the persons that does it is my 'so called friend'.  my gp said that is terrible which then made me cry even more.

i told him what's the point in going to work if no one talks to me i may as well go home and talk to no one.

he suggested that i do go to work and at least mix with the customers. he wanted to make sure i promised him that i would take the meds.

I did go to work it wasn't that great, i was not in a good mood, very emotional.  i did what i had to do with work and just carried on.

i emailed my psych and told him i am stopping my meds. he emailed bakc and said no not a good idea and he would speak with me in my appt on Monday.  he suggested i see my GP.

I am seeing my GP tomorrow morning again as he wants to 'keep an eye on me'.  

i haven't taken my meds since yesterday, no last night, no morning, and no tonight.  

i want to feel normal again, like a normal person.  i feel that because of my mental state i am neglected by others at work and it feels terrible, really bad. i feel it is humilating.

from feeling ok to now feeling crap and crying.  didn't last long this 'good' feeling.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @BlueBay, Why did you stop taking the medication? Was it having icky side-effects?

[Shaz51]

Why did you stop taking the medication? @BlueBay, I know why Mr Shaz stops his meds and after a while he has to go back on them again xx

[BlueBay]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising @Shaz51

I stopped them becasue I just wanted to.  I want to feel 'normal' like a normal person.  I am sick of taking so much medication.  And i want to see how i feel without them.

[Shaz51]

Yes Mr shaz says the same thing @BlueBay 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@BlueBay Ok. I am curious though...I wonder what a "normal" person feels like? One of my favourite expressions is that we shouldn't compare our inside with other people's outside. I know that most people who engage with me would have no idea that I routinely struggle with intense suicidal ideation. At the place where I volunteer each week I am always giggling and fooling around. Those people have no idea that I've been seeing my GP every week for the past six months to help me stay alive.

I totally respect your choice to stop your medication in order to feel like a "normal" person. I'm just not quite clear about how you are going to know whether what you are feeling is what "normal" people feel???

[BlueBay]

@Phoenix_Rising I understand what you're saying because I hide my feelings and a lot of people don't even know I suffer from depression let alone suicide ideation.  

I guess i don't really know what is 'normal'.  I see myself as someone who is mentally unstable taking lots of meds and I wanted to stop them to see if I feel better without or if I could be like others who don't take meds.

Yeah, i don't really know. I think i am more frustrated by feeling so alone andn isolated at work that triggered me to stop my meds. maybe it's a cry for 'help' again.

I think deep down I still feel that i am 'seen different' because i have a mental illness.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@BlueBay It super sucks that you feel so alone and isolated at work.

I can understand you wanting to know if you feel better or worse off the medication. I was saying on a post just the other day that for most of my 20 year saga I have been totally medication free. This is because it is well-accepted in the research literature that medication isn't really effective in treating BPD. However, I HAVE found medication useful at times in treating depression. I have just started on a new anti-depressant last week and I am hopeful that it is going to improve the depression. I am perfectly happy taking medication if I see it is having a positive effect, but I have no interest in taking it simply because some sections of society automatically assume that someone with a mental illness "should" be on medication.

It sounds like you are contemplating whether stopping your medication is a "cry for help." That's some impressive self-awareness. I know you are the expert on your life and you will do what is best for you. Take care @BlueBay 

[BlueBay]

Thanks @Phoenix_Rising

I really don't know if it is a 'cry for help' yet again.

@NikNik or any @Former-Member around.  What is your opinion on stopping meds?

It is self sabotage? A cry for help? Danger? Health risk?