not feeling good

[Zoe7]

@BlueBay I hope you don't mind me jumping in here!

You have every right to determine what goes in your body - meds or no meds.

My concern for you is that you are infact going back to 'old' ways and not valuing yourself and your health my stopping meds so suddenly. You have come a long way lately and have found some happiness in your life - and this has been a very long time coming. I am going to be really upfront with you and say what I think - and you may not like it - but I am willing to take that risk having gotten to know you over many, many months now. I do think you are engaging in a form of self-sabotage. Why - because you have spent so many years not being listened to, not being heard and not being valued and respected the way you deserve to be. Your default setting when you are starting to have these negative feelings, or you are feeling like you are not being included/listened to is to fall back into 'old' habits so you can receive attention (from anywhere). This is only a temporary solution though as it doesn't actually make you feel better about yourself by having others 'look after you'. You then start to feel like you are 'failing' again.

You do not believe that you deserve to be happy but you do. This is a very much learned behaviour that is difficult to break out of. It takes strength, courage and time to re-learn how to live without constantly falling back into old thought patterns and ways of behaving but I have seen you begin to do this over the last few weeks and I have faith that you can continue on this path. 

Don't be so hard on yourself - you will have 'slips' and periods where you feel you are going backwards again - but there is every indication from you most recent posts that you can rise above these and actually be happy.

I believe you can do this BB ...and I will sit on your shoulder if you need along the way.

Zoe

[NikNik]

Hi @BlueBay

Generally speaking, we would always encourage people to follow their health care professionals advice about medication. Coming off meds quickly can cause havoc for people - and not for others. It can be unpredictable & there's lots of variables, which is why it's good to do under the advice and supervision of the Dr.

Just reflecting back what you have shared -  you mentioned you hit a bump (you used the term 'depressive downer'), and the way described how you're feeling sounds quite similar to what your Drs said could be the consequence of coming off the medication.

It seems like you're being really tough on yourself for being someone who is on medication. It's nothing to be ashamed about. 

...and trust me... there's no such thing as 'normal' 

Please take care of yourself.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @BlueBay ..... 🤗💕

I would like you to see meds as meds, rather that relating them to your mental health.

I take Vit D cos I have had melanoma and I have to stay out of the sun as much as I can .... I would like to be able to wear a normal bathing suit to the beach and swim through the middle of the day, but I can't ..... I don't have the right skin type and genetic make-up for that ..... so I have to take Vit D as a Ned.

I have had Metabolic Syndrome which has placed stress on my liver, so i also take a
liver support med. The Metabolic Syndrome was stress induced through life circumstances over which I had no control .... so again, I have this med to take ......

My daughters suffer from terrible menstrual cramps, as did I ..... guess what ..... ?? Meds.

One of my kids is on a thyroid med.

There might be more "normal" people taking meds than aren't ......

Please take your meds ..... they are actually designed to help you feel more "normal" and you will be further out of the "normal" range by not taking them .....

I hope this helps you sweetheart ......

💜💕

[Former-Member]

Take the meds @BlueBay, there's a way to wheen off medication sensibly, with medical supervision, it needs to be slow as there's likely withdrawals, some dangerous. We have to be grown up about it. I was up and down and on and off and mood swinging all over the place with my meds for years, but I finally accepted it, really glad I've stabilised on the same one same dose this last couple of years, better!! More kind on myself. Its OK to be kind to ourselves. Its OK the be the withdrawn one at work. Its ok to be stable, to make your path straight. So Be kind to yourself BlueBay:). Good to see you :)💜.

[utopia]

@BlueBay. It is self sabotage, a cry for help, dangerous and a health risk - when you stop taking your meds.
We each have our own 'normal'. No 2 of us willhave the same 'normal'.
I take an antidepressant & an anti psychotic (used in low dose for anxiety). I have a blood pressure med and a blood thinner med. I take a cholesterol med and a vitamin B (I drank).
Sometimes I take a med to help me sleep. Sometimes I take a med when I am over anxious.
I have a MI.
I have had a stroke.
I have blood clots.
I am not healthy - so I need all these meds to help keep me going.
Go back on your meds tonight. Let your gp know that you stopped taking them.
Being 'normal' is taking a med that we know is helping us.
♥♥♥

[Faith-and-Hope]

Agreed @utopia ..... ❣️

[BlueBay]

Hi @NikNik @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @utopia @Former-Member

Sorry i did't reply earlier - I've been in hospital.

I saw my GP yesterday afternoon as my anxiety hit the roof.  And when I was in there I started to pull at my hair, started to hear voices and was wanting to SH and lash out at whoever was near me and myself.  I  had my mums voice laughing at me and telling me how stupid and weak I am; i had other people just laughing at me and pointing at me; i was curled up in my chair in doctor's room sobbing and yelling at my mum saying 'i hate you, go away, i hate you go away'. My gp at this stage was asking me 'what is your head telling you to do' he was quite concerned.  he made sure is was safe but then thought no it's time to go to hospital.  he didn't want to take the risk of sending me home in the state i weas in.

he called for an ambujlance and then he called the CAT team.  he then called my hubby and spoke to him; to which then hubby said he would take me to hospital to which the GP agreed.  (i wish he hadn't and just let the ambulance come. hubby came and i was not in a good state, he was trying to make me 'come around in the present moment' but i was too much out of it. my GP was talking to him and said you need to take her to hospital right away.  all the way to hospital hubby was sternly talking saying 'see this is what happens when you stop your meds, don't stop them and this wouldn't happen' he was 'telling me off.  that's not what i wanted to hear at this point in time.  all i wanted was a caring person to say it's okay you will be okay - no he didn't even say that. at this point i felt like saying f.... off and leave me alone.

i had a letter from my GP to give to the hospital, but they still made me wait in the reception are for over an an hour and half.  i was beside myself.  at one pont i went to say how much longer and can i leave and the nurse said no not to leave otherwise i will be restrained and forced to stay and that i wouldn't like that so to go and sit back down.

Finally i got called in to take another seat in the waiting area in the mental health section.  I was then seen by the clinician and he assessed me by lots of questions. he then gave me a med to calm down and put me into the short stay area for a little while.  i just sobbed and sobbed.  he decided that they would admit me into a new area of the hospital which has only 6 beds and is for low care mental health and only for up to 72 hours stay. i was admitted in there at about 10pm and finally got to sleep. 

this morning a nurse came in and had a chat with me, making a goal and recovery plan.  we worked on a few things, like how to notice my triggers, what to do when i notice them and who to contact when i am triggered and of course to continue my medication and not stop.

I know that it was a big mistake, and yes maybe a big part was self sabotage and a cry for help - something i need to work with my psychologist.  i am seeing her on tuesday.  seeing my psychiatrist on monday morning. hospital is faxing all the paperwork to him, so he will know before i see him.  i hope he isnt angry with me - i bet he is. 

I have learnt my lesson again. i just wish my husband was a little kinder to me.

[utopia]

@BlueBay. So glad to hear you got straight into hospital. Sometimes there are no beds.
Yes I know what you mean about needing a caring voice and calm words. Instead you got the practical talk from hubby.
My mum did it with me on my 3 admissions and 3 discharges (last 2 months). A 2 & 1/2 hr drive each time, hearing how all I need to do is clean my house & get a job. Aaarrrggghhh.
Not the time for that sort of practical talk. That's for when we are feeling better.
What we need at the time, when feeling suicidal, fearful and out of control - is the kind words.
"You will be okay"
"You'll feel better for a stay at hospital"
"It's going to be okay"
"I'm here for you"
They find it so hard to say these things - especially when we are in crisis mode. It's easier for them to say the practical - as they find it too hard to say that - as the person they love so much is in crisis & they can't fix it.
So I'll say it instead.
I'm glad you have a safe place to go. You will be looked after. You will get better. I'm here for you. I love you. ♥♥♥

[Spudly]

Bluebay you hang in there i really know how to help except maybe a yarn on the phone with a crisis line or a trusting friend. And you wanna cry you do that have a showe and have a good old bawl. You stay safe. Tomorrow the sun gets up as u go for a stroll and pick a flower. Take care Spud

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay, sorry things deteriorated so bad so quickly for you but on the other hand, someone listened to you, you got help and learned a big lesson. Try not to expect too much from hubby, sometimes they're just too close to be objective, plus men, all they ever seem to wanna do is FIX things, but I'm sure if your hurting he's hurting. Sometimes they just don't know what to do. You be kind to yourself BlueBay, be well again soon, hugz ❤❤❤