Life can be a Pain

[Zoe7]

I have found one thread that I know you find triggering very difficult lately too. I think I have been quite blunt when needed and more supportive when the 'tone' has been a little less confronting - it makes a such a difference to how we support others @Owlunar - I know you get that 

I am not at all convinced that doing DBT right now is the right thing for me but a place became available much earlier than expected - mainly because my pdoc 'pulled some strings' to get me in. I need to trust that she thinks it is the right thing for me and persevere despite my reluctance.

I am so pleased you made it to Hobart to see your relatives - I know how very important that was to you - and I am even happier that the visit went well.

Also great to hear that you are doing quite well psychologically - it makes such a difference 

[Owlunar]

Ah yes @Zoe7 - I know what you are talking about - I think you did well - being blunt can be really necessary at times - and mmm - I was actually glad I had recused myself which doesn't mean I don't care

I guess that DBT will work if you are not too stressed if it is at all what I am having atm - I find it really hard in the sessions but it wears off quickly - I guess I know what my stress and anxiety is about and I also needs to be out in the open - whew - that can be hard and I understand

Maybe it would be better if your sessions were stretched out a bit - are you seeing someone every week - it might be easier if it was every two weeks

It was important for me to see my relatives - I am wondering if I will see my uncle again - I am in the position of being able to go at anytime - depending on how my knees recover and stressing them less will let the inflamation go down. Of course my uncle may recover but he has been going downhill for some time now - he is only 2+ years younger than my Dad was when he passed - they are brothers - but then - prayers can be answer and he may recover - so I pray a lot - whenever I think about it which is often

Considering all things I am okay psychologically - I guess there are times when I allow myself to feel the emotions and I do a lot of that with my therapist 

I read your posts to other people in the threads I read - you do well - I am sure you help yourself when you do this - I hope so

Dec

[Zoe7]

It is a 10 week program @Owlunar with 7 other participants. DBT is group work so not one to one. We then see our pdoc afterwards to discuss anything that is brought up for us in the group session. It is working in a group that I am having the most trouble with!

Yes I think you are very well aware of what I am talking about with being blunt in a particular situation - sometimes that is what is needed to not enable the behaviour 

I am presently helping someone on one of those threads so sorry for the short reply - I will come back to you when I can 

[Owlunar]

The short reply is okay @Zoe7  - helping people on the threads is a strong point of yours

Therapy in groups - I remember the days - people are not always "Group Therapy Friendly" and it is up to the therapist to control the situation so I understand what you are saying and I am glad you see your Pdoc after - I think I would need to - sure I would need to

It's really important not to enable people here - people want to be "nice" to each other and that can be awkward at times when someone needs to be firm - I did find it difficult - I was often triggered - I was so glad you were there so often

Dec

[Zoe7]

It is often a fine line between enabling and supporting @Owlunar and not everyone can find that balance - even I don't sometimes  I totally get why you had to remove yourself 'permanently' from that situation - I don't necessarily find it triggering as you do under the circumstances - just tiring some times ...and often it doesn't matter what we do or say, there is no 'getting through' 

I think when it starts to affect us personally then we need to take a step back - just as you have done - and that in itself is a strength 

I believe I have 'weathered the storm' on that other thread now and the right outcome hsa been achieved - ie. further help now sought that we could not provide here - a long couple of hours but in this case repetition and developing trust (even if in a small space of time) was what was needed for the desired outcome - doesn't always work but glad it did this time!

[Owlunar]

HI again @Zoe7

Weathering the storm - yes - sometimes is can happen quickly - other times - who knows - I know I have spent time with people who go away forever - I will never know what happened but I am just glad I was there at the time

We always do our best

There are times when we feel alone because I would never talk about anything here so I am relieved in many ways to have some feedback - I could not say anything which took a lot of strength - and I was there the whole time. I cared though - a lot. It must have been tiring and yet I can say you kept your balance throughout

Dec

[Zoe7]

Thank you @Owlunar that does mean a lot coming from you  I suppose it is easier when you truly care about both parties and from an 'outside' perspective can see both sides and the impact such 'circumstances' are having. I know you cared a lot - it was evident in the support you gave - but there does come that time where your well-being is the number 1 priority and if that means ceasing contact in any way with someone then that is what needs to be done. 

I am presently minimising my contact here with some members - I need to for my own mental well-being.

It is difficult when people 'disappear' and we don't know if they are ok - there are definitely a couple of people I am missing seeing on here presently but I need to believe that they are ok for my own well-being.

[Owlunar]

@Zoe7

The more I think about it I know that we need to put ourselves first every time

When I am in a plane they go through the same routine and in business class I have even had my private run-through - and they ask if I have any questions - great that - and of course we have to fix our own oxygen mask before we help anyone else

It comes done to simple acts - like eating properly and getting as much sleep as possible - and taking breaks whatever we do - and pleasing ourselves at times - cause there are times when that will mean one person at least is happy

And it is hard to maintain this and I have had decades of it - with a child with MI that can be really hard.

I remember when the women's movement was really active and I did a lot of reading - I told my mother I was emancipated - she laughed at me - I had two kids after all and I was married. But I privately maintained the truth to me that emancipation is a matter of the mind - freedom that comes from within - and this is the difference - in spite of whatever else we do - 

Personally I found a way to get through the chaos to a place like today - I am alone sure but I like it better and better - after all - who cares - my other uncle is reclusive and sometimes I think we are alike - which is fine with me - we talk now and again - and I know going to university part-time for so long led me to being single-minded and perhaps selfish but I think my kids were better off with my independent thought and I am glad I took this path

So - after all that philosophy you are right - you need to cut off from too many contacts to keeping your comments more content-full - if that make sense - and you are battling with your own stuff so there are days I think you will keep to yourself and this is important - I do this when I feel the need to close down - and whatever happens when I am not here - it's okay because I am right back into it when I get passed whatever was bothering me - and physical pain is one thing - I sometimes sit in my chair - heating up the wheat pack - most of the day - and emotional pain - different - but yes - there are days when I can't say anything useful and it passes if I let it - 

I didn't need to say all that but I have so let's leave it there

I was outside so yes - I saw more clearly because I was not invested in anyway - but I was in caring mode and there were days when I was like "omg someone answer"- I am glad to let you know that because yes - I was there and it was hard not saying anything but my answer to myself was I could not and this was the better place in the long run. Who knows the future though

Dec

[Zoe7]

Sometimes that independence can manifest itself as loneliness @Owlunar and sometimes strength. It is a fine balance between the two - and reaching out for support when it is loneliness is also a hard thing to do.

As you know, I find it much easier supporting others than asking for it myself - and it is when I am at my lowest that I find that even more difficult. It is like I am actually supporting myself when I am supporting others (if that makes any sense to you) - and when there is a positive outcome I feel more able to deal with 'myself'. ...but when things go sideways I feel like I am doing the same - as if it is a reflection of myself in others. I do know that this is not the case but hard to see in that moment!

I could definitely be seen as a recluse but that is more for my own well-being - knowing what triggers me and what I can and cannot presently handle. None of that is conducive to getting back to work however, and that is what I really want to do. I do not know if that will ever happen because teaching is such a stressful job - and this MI has really 'got hold of me' this time - who knows what the future will hold but I do know I have to seriously weigh up a lot of factors if I am to one day return to work!

[Owlunar]

I did private tutoring when I was at university @Zoe7 - a lot of work - good money -seasonal - and worth it

But it is also stressful - we do have after all - young minds in our hands - and that can be something delicate - I learned as I went though - 

But classrooms - that would be different - what did you teach - subjects or primary school

You would have to be sure to go back to that and it seems as you say - your MI has the upper hand some of the time right now - you do well to help other people as you do but it goes sideways at times - that is okay on the boards but not at work - and this must be very isolating at times and for self-protection - I understand that

I am glad for the weekends actually - I have a lot on through the weeks - too much of the time I am getting through the pain in the morning - I have trouble with the council with the shifts I am supposed to have but I get on with the workers - I chat with taxi drivers and people at the doctors clinic where I go for my injections twice a week - and short weeks come with long weekends and it's the short weeks that are the bother - too much happening in too few days - I was really glad to have four days to myself even though I had what would have been my 52 wedding anniversary - I feel sorry I could not make that work out but also glad I am out of it - I think I really do like the time on my own

I thought of things to do - cards, bingo, church - I have left the church - and this was back in January and I have not done anything about it - but I did start going to the beach when I could and I am still doing that. I would like to play cards but I was serious not trivial about it - bingo - noooooooo

But two years ago just before I joined this forum it was Easter and I had a fall and bruised my right foot and spent four days with my foot elevated - this was what led me to this forum - so what was really miserable worked out really well

I feel when I have been here for a while I have been really chatting with people who matter and about things who matter

It takes balance though - thought - reach out when necessary - I am lucky with the professional people I have in my life - my personal life is here - but this is strange - I never talk about my personal life with my daughter - only my relations in Hobart know about my private life and they don't know everything

Like other people here - I have been trashed enough I think - and this hasn't happened for a while now

Take good care of yourself first Zoe - that is really important - and it took me a while to learn - girls are taught not to be first or good or better than males at anything and this is so sad and so wrong

Dec