Life can be a Pain

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Sophia1

I appreciate what you wrote - I was really tired yesterday and sad too - and glad I had the internet connection back - it was really rotten not being able to join the forum family

It has been a long journey - an inward journey - and I have learned to like my own company which is a gift not always given. My home can get very cold but I don't worry about the power bill - I just pay it and give thanks that I am not freezing here - it's important to have it as cosy as I can through days that are dank and shadowy weather-wise and memory-wise as well.

Yes - I do have some very good friends here and @Former-Member is a very special lady - a very special friend - we connect on so many levels

This winter I have read several Dannielle Steel books - my first chance to find where to access cheap ones and then spend an evening or stay in bed late reading with Companion Cat curled up beside me - a warm fluffy being close to me and appreciating something - perhaps just the warmth of my body - hopefully she enjoys me too - one can never really tell with cats - I have started calling her Queen Victoria lately because she has been rather tyrannical - ha ha - I love my furry friend

My life has had some really rough patches but I have learned a lot - yes - the truth of what people write does come through - my life has not been wasted - I don't think I would change anything because pulling one thread might bring it all down and I have had some really great moments - truly fantastic times

Today I feel better than yesterday - last night I was very tired and went to bed leaving everything I would have like to attended to undone. It was okay though I did all the dishes and then made soup for lunch and the kitchen is messy again. I have a great soup recipe though - 

There are worse things

Dec

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member - we can indeed share our tears for the loss of  young lives on earth - they were here for a short time and we cannot tell why. 

My son was so distressed through his short life - and I believe that God does not expect us to go through any experience that is too much for us. I don't believe he was at all angry with my son because he knew his suffering and decided both of us had endured as much as we could and stepped in. I believe my son is at peace and has been all these years - whatever happens after death. And my faith is sure that there is life after death because souls are so precious and unique - they are never wasted.

I don't know if the extent or depth or duration of grief is a measure of love - maybe it is a measure of the investment of love - I really don't know - what I am sure of is that it is all part of God's plan and I was the best person for the job - and I didn't give up as so many other people around me did - and I know your love for your prickly daughter must have been tested but if what you say is true - then when the imperfect has been done away with then perfection remains and the love then is perfect - as God is - and so is his love for us - he will never let us down

As bereaved parents we are special you know - we have been chosen for a special task and not one we would choose for ourselves.God's son died on the cross - now I know he came back to life but that had never been done before so God was a bereaved parent too and some of us are given this insight into God himself - I think this is really awesome in the true meaning of the word

I had to look up "The accuser of the Brethren" - I know it's Satan - but where was that written - I guess I have read different translations because it's in The Revelation which I have read often - mmm yes - in Romans I think it says "Let no one declare you as guilty that which I have declared Not Guilty" - such good news where I have read it I am sure - no one has the right to accuse us - you are right - we have to believe this as you say. People can choose not to - we all have free will after all - but when the night is over and the perfect dawn comes we will know as we have been known. God is perfect

I do love sharing biblical doctrine and truth with you

For a time after my son died I did have some SI - I considered it as I have free will - this is possible - but after deep thought decided against it - which is not as easy path either. It's a better path though - we still have that pain. I do understand what you are saying - you are a valuable person though - you just can't see it through your own sorrow and grief on so many levels - you have had a rotten deal at many turns in your life. I get it

We do have each other - we are not alone - on-line friendships are valid - can be very close and very true - sometimes more honest with though-sharing that other friendship because we will never meet. How great this is

And thanks for that lovely picture with the poem - I get into clipart a lot but don't often find really great pictures as you do - and I love the cute funny clipart you do find

Lots of love Lapses

You are special - today and always

Dec

[Owlunar]

That is great insight @Appleblossom

I will try and see my son examining this own life - time doesn't exist in heaven as it does here so he can be at self-examination as much as he chooses to - 

He haunted me for 18 years - did he ever - I had no peace and often cried myself into severe migraine which I now think may have been a form of SH though I didn't do it deliberately. 

When I moved to where I live now I found it much safer than my previous address had been and I was more settled in myself. Not long after I moved here he came to me in a dream - one of those dreams the American Indians call "Big Dreams" - I know when I am having one of those. He was no longer a teenager but very handsome, dark young man and he told me he was moving on and he did - he never haunted me again though I do dream of him from time to time

Maybe he found himself then - my grief became easier then too though I know it will never go away - I have learned to live with it and live around it and I choose to allow it - one way of making it all easier to deal with than "not thinking about it" as so many thoughtless and/or ignorant or even well-meaning people say.

I will not put it away to gather cosmic dust - I am only having bad times rarely now and around his adoption and his death dates and this is a sign of growth and maturity and acceptance I am sure

Therapists have committed some gross errors in judgment in what they say to their vulnerable patients - as you say - "abominable comments without reservation or qualification" well said! How dare they. A certificate on their wall doesn't give them the right to trample on another person's precious gardens - but some do. The last therapist I had got to me one day though I was fencing her off - she kept going until I snapped loudly "I don't like having to explain myself!!!!" So true. It makes me less inclined to find another one to trample on my heart and soul - it's really sad - I have read so many stories here - people pay them for their help and it takes guts to contradict them but I have and I encourage other people to do the same - after all - we are at the centre of our own lives and we know better

Off the soap box Dec - that can be loud - ouch

I belong in the modern digital age - did that start with the abacus? I reckon it did. So the infrastructure can break down at the wrong moment - this is the age we live in - I am sure the hunter/gatherers had days like that - and people got really hungry - 

Love these PJ stories - last night I went to sleep in my clothes - I was so tired and unhappy - I thought I might get up and shower but went to sleep and my kitchen was messy this morning - so I did the dishes and then made soup and the kitchen was a mess again - at least sleeping in my clothes means I don't have to get dressed first thing in the morning

It's great sharing with your Apple

Dec

[Appleblossom]

@Owlunar That is such a beautiful and reassuring image in your dream that he came to you older and mature. 

I saw a happy indigenous song by primary aged kids on facebook put out by NSW Dept Ed.  People are trying to change things for the good, but there is still so much work to be done.  

I felt that for my brother & sister.  So much pain, and in the end, they were released from it.  I had to sort out some of my SI was actually just wanting to hang out with them. It was not from despair in my own life, but that did come.  Yes, like you have decided suicide is not a good idea, but still can be in the throes of thinking and feeling like that at times.

[Sophia1]

To let you know that I am thinking of you.... @Owlunar

without wanting to disturb you..

I will leave this single white flower..

My heart goes out to you during this difficult period

[Former-Member]

(((((@Dec)))))

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member@Sophia1@Appleblossom@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@Adge

I'm just checking in - thanks everyone for your messages and pictures and all your thoughts - it all means so much at any time but particularly right now

I have had a couple of really busy days and all the time I feel as if I need down-time and get as much rest as I can. Friday was generally busy as usually but yesterday my computer was hacked and I was on the phone for hours getting my computer cleaned and verifying the status I have with various places - it is not pleasant to find someone has gone after information in my computer - it would be for anyone - and have sorted everything out but I was worn out this morning and also had a lot of chores to do and it was a case of a bit here and a bit there and it's getting late and with one thing and another I am not sure about taking my walk today - I missed it for the last few days - mostly due to the bitter cold weather

It's hard to move up from being as flat as a tack and tomorrow is the anniversary - I don't feel really down or depressed or anything - just really tired in my heart and I have my normal back pain - it's noticable that the days are getting a bit longer now and hopefully my pain killers will kick in and I can get my walk

I don't know why the anniversaries are so hard and I know other people have these days nobody warned us about - yes - why so much dread when the worst has already happened

The weather is okay today - very sunny and the breeze is quite balmy and pleasant 

I might get in touch later - hopefully tomorrow - and I wish everyone else the best

Dec

[Adge]

Hi @Owlunar I'm thinking of you.

Yes rest, good idea.

Computer hacking is scary, someone has tried to do that to my computer several times.

Adge

[Zoe7]

I wish you all the best especially with the anniversary tomorrow @Owlunar. I think these times affect us so much as much because we are recognising our losses as well as thinking what could have been. When the loss is sudden we have had no time to say or do all the things we would have liked to - that is how I feel Dec 

That really sucks about being hacked - I do hope everything is worked out now but I can understand how anyone having access to your personal information is such an intrusion - so sorry this has happened to you 

I will be on and off the forum tomorrow as I have a couple of appointments and need to try to get in to my dentist but please tag me if you need to unload and I will get back to you as soon as I can - will be thinking of you Dec 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Zoe7

I reaslise that you have a severe toothache - outchie!!!!!!!

It would be so good if that could be fixed by tomorrow first thing - toothache has to be one of the worst pains - I had one through the long weekend in March - I had been grinding my teeth at night and the one that complained loudly and painfully was a wisdom tooth - and I can really feel for you with that kind of pain

All the best for tomorrow

Aww - I can almost feel it

Dec