Life can be a Pain

[Zoe7]

I find the best moments are those when I cuddle Toby or Cat @Owlunar - and then there are those little moments like seeing the mountain covered in snow under a bright blue sky - once the clouds lift -much like those shadowing my heart - the glory of what is sitting before you in wondrous - nature at it's finest 

I know those daggers in the heart that you never feel like will ever be pulled out - I still have plenty of them - sometimes it feels like my heart cannot beat because there are so many crowding that space - so for you to have felt that release from the pressure and the pain is a wonderful thing. I hope in time I can feel some of that too - even just a little breathing space some days would be good.

You did not follow in the footsteps of your own mother Dec - you gave your children love and understanding - as much as you could give and that is precious. Your son was lucky to have you and -as you have said - his issues were not ones you could fix - as much as you tried - the system let you both down in that respect Dec 

I have a love-hate relationship with my own mother. I love her dearly - as she does me - but I also blame her for so much - for not being there for me when I really needed it. This is hard for me to get over but even harder to comprehend how she could have let things happen to me that did - but the realityis - she didn't know most of it. yes she knew my dad was violent towards me but she didn't know how to stop it - it must have been my fault...I got him angry....I was in the way...etc. - none of that is defendable but I do understand how she also felt powerless - I have done so many times in my life and that is the basis for much of how I feel in the present also - it is not a nice place to sit 

I have 2 lights in my life - Toby and Cat and I do not know where I would realistically be without them - the unconditional love of animals, the pure joy on Toby's face as he turns circles and jumps up when I get home, the purring from Cat when she has tummy rubs - those are the things that sustain me even in my darkest moments - they have to otherwise I would give in and cease to exist at all.

[Former-Member]

@Owlunar its really sad you have lost your son who would be middle aged now, likely with children of his own, your grandchildren - lost too.  Sad.

 I believe Jesus takes over the parenting role in heaven and brings our kidz up to their prime.  And in heaven we are given "the fullness of knowledge" and so he understands all things now - without sin (because we are 'perfect' in heaven).  I was scared my prickly teenage girl would not want to see me again,  in heaven,  then i realised the great love we always had for each other (underneath)  since she was a babe in arms, that is real-and love never dies - this is what remains for us mums Dec,  not all the other crap the world messes up. The mother's love is our treasure forever.  

No human life is a waste.  I believe being born in the flesh is a necessary part of our spiritual journey through time.  Your boy was entrusted to you for a brief time in the space time continuum,  you & I did the best we could but God closed their growing here on earth to be elsewhere. Only God decides life and death - its not your fault!!! Though i know it will always FEEL it is - because we still hurt.  

They say "grief is a measure of our love" - if you still grieve like this decades later,  oh my dear sister - you loved that boy deeply!  Don't  you believe "the accuser of the bretheren" telling you otherwise - No more lies & beating ourselves up.  

Its hard i know.  Only yesterday my flashback of her last breaths  still  triggers great pain and shivers and intense paralysing SI - any of these times i could spontaniously leave this world if the dominoes  were lined up for impulseiveness,  but so far not quite.  

It is so hard! Life can be a pain' more so than ever at these times, BUT - we do have each other - - we are NOT alone.  

Be gentle on yourself.  

I need to go cry ❤

Crying together 💔💔

LapsesTawn❤

[Appleblossom]

@Zoe7We really are social animals and herding animals, and our pets and for me our zoos fill in the gaps where other people might have been.

Hope you all are travelling alright.

@Owlunar   I hear you about your grief. I wonder if he is sitting up there wondering about his life, knowing how hard it was and glad it was a while ago and I hope a little recovered in soul. Some therapists really do not get all their clients's issues and make the most abominable comments without reservation or qualification.  I see it as an abuse of the revelation of their client's lives.  If they could admit they did not understand, but some are very opinionated and cause a lot of distress.  Then we have to have therapy for the therapy. lol 

Sorry about your internet kerfuffle.  It can effect mood a lot when it is main connector with others.  That has become my truth.  I can manage for periods without it, but I am now modern enough to have crossed the digital divide and be very grateful for online information and forums and support.

lol ... about pj confessions.  I have only have half my nightwear purchased for that purpose.

@Former-Member I love your quirky humourous pics. You send out a lot of positive energy considering the cards you were dealt.  It matters that you do. 

We all struggle with complaining and how much is alright?

Nobody wants to overdo it. I think that is good, but without being open about the true state of our challenges, it is hard to move forward.

@Sophia1 Hope you are feeling a bit better about the forum. 

There are some truly wonderful new and old souls.

It has been a privilege for me to get to know so many.

@utopia  Hope you are doing alright. Bella.

[Zoe7]

I have managed to shut myself off from most human contact over the years @Appleblossom - apart from work which I no longer have and even then it was limited and only when necessary. I am making small inroads into this with the DBT group but am still very wary when it comes to social interactions. The past certainly dictates much of my present and that is hard to break out of. Moving forward means breaking what I am used to and have always done and that is by no means an easy road to walk.

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member sending you love and a hand to hold if you need it 

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Appleblossom. - youre a treasure 💎  You too @Zoe7.  @Sophia1  and so many forumites here ❤❤❤

[Zoe7]

...and so are you @Former-Member 

[Appleblossom]

I believe historical context is very important. @Zoe7

I did not study history but went maths/sci stream and found that as a mature person I had to catch up on a lot of knowledge so that I could learn what common sense was.

Without processing our experience we cannot really learn from it, or our mistakes.

I just hope I can convince you to hang on when you are in your down times.  

I was so down for 20 years I never thought things could be better, but knew I had to persist for kids.  When things are good, they are better than I ever dreamed possible.  You have a lot of great qualities, I firmly believe a path will open up for you.  I do not know what it is, but pls hang on and find out.

[Zoe7]

I really am trying to do that @Appleblossom - there are days when I still want to give up but they are getting more spaced apart than they used to be. I can also feel those things that usually hit me hard are taking a little less time for me to get over - baby steps are happening but I am still mindful that one big thing could push me over the edge again ...but hoping that nothing like that does happen and I can keep moving forward.

[Sophia1]

Hello @Owlunar

You have had a huge day of writing and releasing further emotions....

Discussing such tender ...fragile..feelings..memories is a very difficult thing to do....

You have as you said come a very long way in your grieving journey.....

I hope that you have a comfortable..warm...cosy place to rest and settle your mind.....allowing you to have some peace in your sleep tonight....

a resting time away from your thoughts.....

you have many friends on here @Owlunar...I remember writing this to you a while back now....the words just jump into my mind because it is the truth...I know one special lady @Former-Member thinks of you as family....you are both so good for each other...

let your friends support you now while you take some time out and rest your mind a little for now...

tag me again 

my mind is foggy too...

take care