Grief & loss - may be triggering

[Sophia1]

Hello dear @Adge and dear @Former-Member

So sorry to hear about the loss of your birds....together would be adding to the shock..

allow yourself to grieve without questioning how you do...we all have our own way...there is no answer..

it is within you....just letting yoursel breathe and be...

adge I have no words of wisdom to offer...no magic wand...

I can give you my unconditional caring without hesitation....

I have noticed for some time your likes. I am unsure if I have already thanked you or not..No matter you are well worth thanking again..

I love the fact that yourself and neighbour are taking it in turns visiting..

That takes a special person.....yes you...

are you interested in board games or cards?  You might be able to start or join a group at your library or local community centre..

If your neighbour is interested you might find another two people and play as pairs....

@Former-Member I am sorry that I have not read your thread for awhile either..I am hoping that life has settled as much as it can within your circumstances...you are such a caring, loving family member...being there for your dad....your brother visiting with hand picked roses...bless him... Worrying about your other brother I understand too..I hope that somewhere in the day there is some purely lapses time....?

what are you doing for you?

💚♥️💜🌹🌷🌾💐🌸🌻

[Adge]

Thanks @Sophia1

No magic wand? Oh no, I would love one of those (if there was such a thing)...

I do like board games (& cards).

Although I've not played any in over 10 years, so I'm very out of practice.

The reason is not having anyone to play boardgames or cards with (as you alluded to).

I'm not sure if my neighbour likes boardgames or cards, I've never thought of asking her....

Yes, I've never done this taking it in turns to invite each other over (reciprocal thing) before - so it does seem special, unfamiliar.

I am going to go to a MH Support group this Saturday (19th of May) for the first time, & see how it goes. The group just meets once a month.

I found out about it over 18 months ago, & intended to go then.

My psychologist did not seem to support the idea, & the group meeting times conflicted with an on-going appointment. So I stopped, & dropped the idea (intention).

She has now changed her tune, & seems to like the idea.

Unfortunately I'm one of those people who finds it very hard to go ahead with something - without the endorsement or encouragement of people (eg psychologist).

I'm also looking at reconsidering going to a meetup group - psych keeps suggesting meetup groups like book clubs & philosophy groups, if I can find one.

I went to a shyness (social anxiety) meetup group for several year, but it did not work out. There are groups for many different things eg a philsophy group.

I'm thinking of you Sophia1

Adge

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Sophia1, hi @Adge
What i do for me is take 20min laydowns, in the quiet, every 2-3hrs or more. Tonight, now, I'm just stretching off some backpain, hoping i dont have to take meds for it.

What are you two doing this minute?

[Sophia1]

Quick response as past my bedtime @Adge

doesn't matter how many years since playing board games...have fun learning..

ask your neighbour...might love the idea..

am glad you are trying different groups.....you might meet some interesting people..might take a few times ...most of us take a while with new people..

Best thing is that you are making the effort..good luck for this Saturday..

@Former-Member I am doing little today..reading..iPad..watching drama...boring..can't do much at present....sorry to hear that you are in pain too...hope settles for you..will talk more next week when back...battery on here about to give up..

take care🐾🌷🌹💚

[Former-Member]

Hi @Adge, wow, nothing on this thread since May.
Its my mum's first birthday since passing. She would be 84. Thought i felt her presence very strong last night while helping dad to bed. Fear at first then peace knowing God is stronger & will only let the light in. Then a amile comes, i actually think mum is ok with mw being here now. Approves. She talks to me roo now and then. Usually brief approval things there was a soft side tuckwd away wirh mum - that paer remains (the love). Its her 84th birthday today 6thJuly. What to do? Dad doesn't seem bothered. My aunt (her sister) rang last night, asked if we had anything planned - then said "you don't have to so anything" Thinks dad might get sad (i doubt it). Realised after it waa a call FOR HER more than us. She sure would miss mum - her big sister. She's my fav aunt ❤
Mum still gets a lot of mail still - driver's license renewal one of them - needs a medical 😏 Dad saya "she wont need that now" yet he thought it was addressed to me (thinks I'm mum).
Just wondering how you're coping with your grief?

[Adge]

1st Birthday, since your Mum's been gone @Former-Member That's hard, sad.

I find anniversaries hard.

At first (over several years) I had no idea why I felt down, distressed, or out of sorts (at a particular time of year).

Then I realised - that was when my marriage ended, or that was when there was a big loss.

I cannot forget Dad's anniversary, because it's 5 days after my Birthday. Or his Birthday, because that's 2 days after Christmas.

I've been thinking more of Dad's anniversary than of my Birthday - at the time of my birthday, for the last few years. Then my Birthday just comes & goes in a flash, without a trace....

I never was able to express my grief to anyone (outside forum), only writing a bit in my journal ages ago.

Many people assumed (said) that I would have happy memories of Dad to draw on, when I didn't (except a few recent ones) - because we lived so far apart, for several decades.

Then people said that I would (or might) remember memories of Dad later (after time) - but I never did, not even 2 & 1/2 years later...

Just in limbo really.

Thanks for sharing your grief & experiences (feelings) @Former-Member Because that helps me to open up, & gives me an opportunity to share a bit.

Adge

[Former-Member]

Reliving the pain of GRIEF has many triggers @AdgeAdge - the weather, smells, an ambulance, a song... That particular time of year. But yep, anniversaries the worst - and its not a single day - its the leadup to it for two or more weeks, as if the brain is trying to stop it from happening. I get all off balance thinking about dates - what to do...

The end of a marriage is a death, a major grief now believed akin with loss of a loved one.

I didn't know it at the time but i grieved bad after i left my husband i cried every day. I thought i was crying over what he did to us and the difficult life of a single parenting, hiding underlying MI under great duress... but i realise many years later that i was grieving, drr! Social status, a beautiful home, two horses... the dream of a love to grow old with... I couldnt even go to church without crying - so i stopped that too for a long long time (another loss).

Every separation is different - yours sounds like it was very hard too. Can you talk about it?

>Ya dad's anniversaries around Christmas and your Birthday is a bumma! Any wonder you can't enjoy those weeks - like i said - the leadup to its often the worst. I'd be celebrating my birthday the month before. 🙂

My girl's B'day is a month exactly before christmas and she died exactly a month after christmas. I hate Summer now.

And winter blues 😞 Actually - i thought it was SAD 'till like you i realized my decline every year. - May was when my 5yo next door neighbour / friend was hit by a car & died on the way home from school, when we were in kindy together. I dont know why she was alone or didn't walk home with us or her big brothers. I miss her to this day (which isn't logical), feel a jult every time i hear her name. Another friend of mine suicided in May (mother's day actually) in my mid 20s, i met her during a long MH hospital admission - she had a terrible mixed up existence due to csa trauma. And May was when i was put in a Girls Home for 3wks when i was 11yo which makes me sad and I was bullied there, & ran away etc... and mum was sick in hospital again... ... Winter of my 4th year i lived in Lithgow a while, rember stepping off steps into snow up to my knees and a not so sweet sweet old man neighbour upstairs with barley sugar 😞 losing innosence is a loss too.

Yes it is good to have the forum people like you to talk about grief, once we know what it is... help us learn to face the pain. It hurts.

Journalling has always helped me but i do tend to sensr in case someone finds the diary. Ha, just had a a therapy idea, really cut loose the anger 😱 with pen and paper 😨 and burn it up to the heavens 😰

I grieved my 'mum' many years ago, actually dont remember her ever coping, or showing love without sarcasm, and all i seemed good for was being her puppet / helping her. Never got that right either 😕 She didnt cope when i wanted something different to her, took it as rejection think, or competition if i talked with dad... I wasn't allowed to be (find) me - didn't know it then but i was so emotionally deprived (empty), easy prey...
>blar blar blar... ...

And so the traumas all fall into the same agonising abyss

Thank YOU for this grief thread @Adge.

Sorry this is so long. Not sure it was wise to rehash so much past stuff today, but if it still hurts i guess it means i have some grief work to do (whatever that is, Appleblossom might know).

Hmm, too much for one day, gotta go. Stay strong ❤❤❤

[Adge]

Yes, anniversaries do seem to last for several weeks @Former-Member I can relate to (feel) that.

I'm not the only one (I thought it was just me).

With the end of a relationship (my marriage) - it's the loss of the future hopes, plans & dreams (someone to grow old with) that's the biggest grief.

You mentioned that, yes I can relate.

That's why I've been so lost for the past 8 years - I've been unable to replace those hopes & plans (future) with anything else meaningful.

I was emotionally "frozen-out" of my relationship (communication shut-down), many months before we separated.

Very painful to keep trying to initiate & restore communication, when it's constantly blocked & obstructed from the other side.

Celebrating my Birthday a month before, now there's an idea (I never thought of that one).

That's so sad about the loss of your 5yo next door neighbour & kindy friend.

Your friend from MH hospital, mixed up due to csa trauma (very sad) - she sounds like me.

I survived csa & prolonged trauma (for decades).

I remember Lithgow, I really liked it (very cold there).

Oh, that not sweet man (I can guess), that's horrible.

Journalling I still do most days - but I've been on edge about it, since my ex broke her promise (years ago) to never read my journal (diary).

She verbally attacked me for what she read. So I've never felt safe writing in my journal, since then.

You were (or felt) expected to be your mother's helper (puppet), you said - me too, from a very young age.

Mum's friend very harshly told me off for (supposedly) not helping my Mum enough, when I was only about 10yo. Not a fair expectation of a child, especially when I was already doing the entire family's washing, etc. That hit me so hard that it was one of the few times that I contemplated S.

Yes, if it still hurts maybe there's more grief work to do - yes definitely me too.

Adge

[Adge]

I don't remember my Mum ever coping either.

Her love was also shown with biting sarcasm, & it was very conditional (not unconditional).

No matter what I did as a child, it was never considered good enough - So no, I could never get it right.

I was discouraged by Mum from talking to Dad, or sharing with him (a bit like you mentioned Lapses).

Which causes problems for a boy (male), because then you can be alienated from your own Gender, because a boy's Father is usually his closest male role model.

Yes Mum saw Dad as competition for our childhood affection (like you mentioned), which is very strange & doesn't make any sense.

Adge

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Adge & @Former-Member & @Sophia1

Philosophy is coming back into fashion. Yes it does remind me of you @Sophia1

Luckily there are better teachers than the crabbed old fella who read from the same set of notes for decades. I was not the only student to drop it and take up something else.

Please excuse me. I am practising my tongue poking out thing.  I never did it til recently. It immensely liberating for me.   Ha ha

@Adge Thats a great idea of @Former-Member to celebrate your birthday at a time when you feel good and will remember.  My son and I have an agreement, that a celebration does not have to be on the date .. but that it has the space and time and feeling.

I researched so much about grief in the 1980s and then some.  I like the term "griefwork" partly as it gives dignity to the emotional processes around grief.  Its not meant to be a guilt thing.

The damage done by unhappy marriages and parents is huge.  I guess part of this generation's attempt to separate and regroup is a way of looking at consequences, but also being realitic about issues around affection as well as practicalities of family and relationships.  It seems in earlier generations ... practicalities trumped affections ... and people just settled for compromises.  Feelings were often damaged beyond repair.

By now in my life, most months have some anniversaries, but July is not too bad.  August and September are difficult with both deaths and new life.

I am glad that I am not the only one who feels better for talking a little about grief.  Letting it out helps in the letting go.

Take Care