Grief & loss - may be triggering

[Adge]

Thanks @Former-Member I've not slept well (disrupted) every night, for over a week. So tired.

Not sleeping well impacts hard on someone who already has Sleep Apnea (me).

That's lovely, you're proud of me, thanks...

I need to be more proud of myself, that's hard.

Going to work at all, even for short shift (few hours) is such a strain - long driving, no appreciation shown for what I'm doing. No interest on my part, because it's thankless & doesn't earn me enough to pay the bills.

Yes Puffin bird (I did answer), TAB guessed or thought right.

Your family members seem callous & thankless, I cannot understand their words, behaviour & responses to you...

My family members & relatives are very similar.

I don't deserve the angry responses or insults that I get from work people & family members either.

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[Former-Member]

Yes @Adge,  we do need to acknowledge our own achievements (be our own nest friend). I'm washed out & didn't make it to church. They wonder why people like us 

- alone

- trauma childhood (scarred self)

- crap professional colleges

- toxic family 

- depression 

They wonder why we have SI. Well,  i'm presuming you do sometimez??  How do you deal with it? 

[Adge]

What's SI @Former-Member?

If it means self-injury or self-harm, no I've never done that.

That's maybe because of my dissociating (automatic), without even realising it, psych thinks.

My psych said that I'm rare (with my complex trauma background & CPTSD) - to have no self-harm or suicidal attempts (or tendencies). Nearly all people from long-term trauma backgrounds do, apparently.

That's a good list, yes I can relate to all of those.

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[Former-Member]

SI = suicidal ideation - you don't get that? That is unusual. You must have a placid nature. Still difficult though.

[Former-Member]

not you, re difficult lol, i mean the struggles u have are still difficult...

[Adge]

@Former-MemberNo I didn't know that SI meant suicidal, I had no idea.

I may frequently feel that life is too painful & utterly meaningless (except to suffer), but I don't act on that.

According to Psych,that's where the dissociation comes in (from extreme & prolonged trauma) - which shuts down, & blanks feelings (& clear thinking) out.

Because she said that most (or many) people with similar prolonged trauma like me, & such intense painful feelings - are not alive to tell the tale.

They did have SI, & were successful in their attempts...

That's why apparently I'm somewhat rare, according to her.

Although I feel very non-functional, with no sense of pride or achievement for that.

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[Adge]

When I was a teenager, yes (several attempts) - None of which was ever even noticed by my parents.

Mum & Dad continued to be totally unaware, even when I was ill as a result.

Which taught me that I am invisible, or that I did not exist, or did not matter at all (at least to them).

Thankfully not successful attempts.

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[Former-Member]

Well @Adge, i glad you didnt suceed & still here. You have so much to offer the world. When we expect not to be apprecoated / notices (early programming) then thats often all we see. We do need to humbly learn to blow our own trumpet. Give to ourself what our parents couldn't.

"Love your neighbour
AS YOURSELF"

[Adge]

Thanks so much @Former-Member You too.

Yes the trumpet-blowers get all the attention & credit in life - even for someone else's achievements (eg mine).

I've tried so hard to do that (honestly of course).

Yet they got the job (interview) when I was much better qualified, with 12 year's experience in horticulture.

Simply because I don't blow my own trumpet.

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[Adge]

3 Java finches, 3 Zebra finches & 1 Canary - all gone today (found, in 2 separate aviaries).

I find it hard enough when 1 bird dies, but 7 all at once is too much to stomach....

The Javas are hard to replace (hard to get), even though not expensive.

Adge