Grief & loss - may be triggering

[Former-Member]

Its good for me to hear others are surrounded by takers too. @Adge, to remind me its not just me but its everywhere, to so many. Sorry you're alone too. We really need to work on our friend family.

Thanks @Adge, you have a good day tomorrow 🙂
I keep falling asleep here, must be pain meds. Sciatica flares up now and then.

I'm impressed you put chairs together, 5hrs, hope their strong? I'm fussy with chairs, they have to be flat seat. 🌿

[Adge]

Yes @Former-Member I've never thought of it that way.

If these ex friends never usually contacted me until I phoned them first - I guess they were takers.

The wheely chairs were fairly simple should have taken only an hour or so for both - it's just that I was tired, have never put things like that together before.

I couldn't get the holes to line up, or work it out easily. I got so frustrated, which didn't help.

These are my first comfy chairs ever.

I have a lot of back pain from scoliosis, made worse by not sitting comfortably - in fact I rarely sit at all at home (or when working), which probably makes it worse.

I'm sorry to hear that you have sciatica. That's not fun at all.

Yes developing a friendship family (I like the way you put that) is a high priority for me - though hard to know where to start.

I've tried several groups etc, yet none have really worked out, or lasted long.

I have more space in my living room now! New possibilities, shifting things around. For the first time in about 10 years...

Adge

[Former-Member]

Hi @Adge, I'm having trouble sleeping, so thought I'd come drop you a line. How are you going?

I keep waking up with thoughts of my lost girl, memories, good and bad but the good is shadowed by the trauma of her passing, and all the family court battles, her dad and not coping... and things I should have done differently - I sometimes catch myself growning, out loud, its mournful, and it hurts, and i'm so tired. Sometimes they, the pain, push me to want to end it, and that scares me. Guess they're flashbacks, the PTSD thing. I so wish she didnt die and that all things were different. Oh here come the tears. Maybe the weather has triggered it the flashbacks off again. Hope thecpass soon. // Do you have memories of your dad? Are some unwanted and invasive? Do they interrupt your sleep? Life can be very hard sometimes.

Glad you finally have comfy chairs - how they going? Don't think I could have put them together like you did. I have so many unfinished projects happening here.

Sorry to hear you have scoliosis, one in 7 people do they say. Mine has been more problematic in the thorasic area since arthritis kicked in with age. Is your S bad? Give you much trouble? Be careful moving furniture. Yep - not fun.

About relationships, guess calling otherwise preoccupied 'friends' takers is a bit harsh. Truth is they probably meeting their quota of giving elsewhere. Sometimes I resent that I need people. Always waiting in line but everything's consumed before I get there. You keep working on your 'friendship family' - I will too. I'm finally coming to terms with friends also having to leave, kind of like a rotatingvdoor I guess, people come in and out of our lives, at different levels, and that's OK.

Glad you have more space in your living room after moving things around. A change is as good as a holiday. Did you say 10yrs? Lucky if I go 3months lol

Its after 5am now, dark and cold but think I'll put the kettle on. Start start the day in frontbof the heater. Hope your day is good. Chat soon🌷🌿

[Adge]

Hi @Former-Member I'm sorry you're not sleeping well.

I'm in a bad state & am leaving for work now.

Will try to write tonight or tomorrow.

It's anxiety triggered by thoughts of work & PTSD symptoms that usually disrupts my sleep.

I have frequent intense despair flashbacks - but cannot access virtually any memories of Dad. Due to traumatic amnesia. Which makes it more distressing.

I hope you have a good day. Thinking of you.

Adge

[Adge]

Hi @Former-Member Grief is exhausting. I catch myself groaning out loud (quite a lot recently) too, & I have many regrets about what I might have done differently (with my Dad).

So I can relate to what you said about how you feel about your daughter, that sounds tough.

I have many unwanted & intrusive thoughts & images about work people (& situations) frequently. I rarely have visual memories (intrusive or not) of Dad or anyone else.

What I do have very often are what are called "emotional flashbacks", of intense feelings of despair & anxiety (supposedly from my childhood). Those emotional flashback are often associated with Complex PTSD (symptoms), my psychologist tells me.

Emotional flashbacks are so hard to deal with, because they come "out of the blue" - without my knowing what the trigger (cause was), or what childhood experience they might relate to (or come from). If I had a visual memory (to go with the feelings), then it would make so much more sense - I would then have something to relate it to.

Clearing things out of the house has left me feeling free-er, although it has also left me with a lot of uncertainty about what to throw out, where to shift things to, & where to stop, etc.

My scoliosis has been giving me nightly back pain (which often stops me sleeping) for over 20 years.

I have a lot of trouble needing people, or calling on anyone for help - although needing people (to some extent) is supposedly healthy & normal.

I've never come to terms with friends coming & going (like a revolving door you said) - although that's supposedly many people's experience too.

Yes it really has been over 10 years since I shifted any furniture aound (in the house), or got rid of clutter off the shelves etc.

I hope you had a good day.

Adge

[Former-Member]

Hi @Adge, has your weekend been relaxing one?

Sorry you've been in a bad state. How is it that you can still go to work? I'm so impressed that you keep moving fwd. Know how hard that can be.vprobably keeps you going but hope you can work out better conditions and coping skills soon. 

Is your sleep still disturbed by anxiety, bad thoughts of work & PTSD symptoms? (What are your ptsd symptoms). It sounds horrible. Have you got some good 'grounding' skills? I foud grounding the only thing that helped me in the middle of the night (nightmares, flashbacks and shakes).

I havent heard ofvtraumatic amnesia (when we cant access any visual memories). Sure explains a lot, though i do have many memory gaps, esp in my childhood. 

 Sounds like an emotional disconnect - very hard to manage, but again, staying grounded will help. Reconnecting with the present moment.

So sorry you have to go through this Adge, life is not fair 😞

I also agree - Grief is exhausting.

Do you catch yourself out groaning out loud too, out of the blue at homebon your own? Do you know the thoughts you're having? Does it feel like its not you doing the groaning?

Guilt and regret are unhelpful really, but a big part of grief - our unfinished love. Death seems so final, like we will never get the chance to catch up on lost days / moments.

Dr Phil once said "death of a loved one causes a shift from a physical to a spiritual relationship" - it doesn't end. This fits for me because I talk with my girl every day, usually just in passing, and even still do things for her. Lime light candles. Have you set up a candle by a photo of your dad to light whenever you want to speak to him? Helps me.

Adge, what are these frequent "unwanted intrusive thoughts" about work? Can you write them down? Address them? Shame work disturbs you so much. 

You said you have more of the "emotional flashbacks" - intense feelings of despair & anxiety (from childhood abuse / cPTSD). Its interesting what you say: Emotional flashbacks are so hard to deal with, because they come "out of the blue" - without my knowing what the trigger (cause was), or what childhood experience they might relate to (or come from). If I had a visual memory (to go with the feelings), then it would make so much more sense - I would then have something to relate it to" I 'get' this, I do. Well, it explains ablot of my overreactions to things. 

Sorry you have scoliosis too, and that it causes pain even in your sleep. Does the weather affect it? Are you taking anything that helps?

Needing people (to some extent) is supposedly healthy for us.
My "friend revolving door" takes apx a year to go round once. Friends are scarce, but keep teying, you sound very lonely.

Hang in there my friend @Adge 🙂 🌷🌿

[Adge]

@Former-MemberThanks for being impressed. I often don't know how I can even get through each working day, sometimes.

My work in disabilities is emotionally draining - being subjected to extreme behaviours & aggression, quite frequently. Yet I don't have any emotional support at home (living on my own) or at work, to deal with it.

Better coping skills & support networks are something that I'm definitely wanting to work on (gain).

Yes my sleep is still disturbed by anxiety (in the early morning), intrusive thoughts (& images) of work people (& situations).

The PTSD symptoms are "hyper-vigilance" - being constantly on edge (or high alert), which makes it difficult to relax or "turn-off" unwanted thoughts (& fears etc).

Dissociation, which numbs out my feelings (& thinking), like trying to think & see through a hazy fog. The dissociation is often triggered by prolonged anxiety & fatigue - or having pushed myself too hard (all day) for too long.

It's like the mind saying "enough is enough" & taking a holiday (away from painful feelings etc). Unfortunately it seems to make thinking clearly (about anything) extremely difficult.

Yes I still have a lot of work yet to do on finding (& using) effective grounding techniques.

At present, about the only thing that helps to ground me is slow, deep breathing (only effective if done for quite a long time). Or a breathing meditation, lying down & focusing on each breath in & out, etc.

Unfortunately I can only use breathing effectively to ground when I am at home, & have time & quiet to myself. I've been unable to do that (use it) when feeling totally overwhelmed or stressed by frequent shocks (& sudden changes) at work - which is when I really do need grounding techniques the most.

Yes I do catch myself groaning out loud at home. It seems to be connected to my feeling overwhelmed or stressed (or grief) - although I'm usually not aware of what thoughts I'm thinking at the time.

No it doesn't really feel like it's me doing the groaning - it comes as a bit of a shock, when I realise that the groaning sound is coming from me!

No I haven't regularly lit a candle for Dad, only once or twice so far. Although I do like the idea. I tended to just stare at the flame & go blank (numb with no thoughts). I can work on that.

The intrusive thoughts & images of work events are usually when I'm trying to sleep or do a breathing meditation, so it's very hard to do anything with them right then. I do journal writing, which helps - although dissocation shuts down my self-expression (mind goes blank) & makes it hard to write.

That also explains why I've found it nearly impossible to write posts on the forum in recent weeks - in a numb hazy (dissociated) state it's barely possible. Or only with a great deal of concentrated effort - even then I completely forget what I'm trying to write (or say) part-way through writing.

Maybe the colder weather might make my back pain (from scoliosis) worse, I'm not sure - it has been much worse recently. I only take occasional anti-inflammatory pain tablets when I need to, nothing else. Although magnesium tablets do seem to help with joint pain.

I've never got used to the fact that friendships are not forever, they're often short-term. I guess I always expected them to last always, & got a nasty shock when they didn't (several years ago). Plus they virtually all ended at the same (similar) time, what a wammy.

All the groups & activities that I was involved with stopped, or gave me no on-going personal connections (even after years). So I need to get back into new things to try again (try something else).

Except yoga classes - I love that, & the friendly faces I look forward to seeing. No individual (personal) contacts there either (after 6 years), although I still keep on going.

Thanks @Former-Member I will hang in there. I love the little rose & other pictures that you attached to the end of your post. I have not worked out how to do that yet.

Oh, being a "green-thumb" plant-lover, & having spent 12 years working in horticulture - I always like flower or plant emoticons or pictures...

Adge

[Adge]

I've had a phone call from the Grief Research study (university) lady. It's a grief study that I enquired about a month ago.

My constantly changing work schedule may make it difficult to attend, which is upsetting. It's also a long drive away from home.

I was given a 20 minute assessment (she asked me questions) over the phone. Now I'm hoping to have an assessment interview in 2 week's time.

If I'm successful, I will be given 6 free one-on-one grief-focused therapy sessions, which is why I was interested. They said that the intention is to teach people more effective coping strategies & techniques.

To qualify for the study (& sessions) you need to be experiencing overwhelm & some inability to move on with life (for at least 6 months or more).

Adge

[Former-Member]

Wow @Adge, that's great 👍 a good find - I hope they can help you. How did the call leave you feeling after?

Maybe they can help me. I'm disappointed in the 30sessions I've had since my girl died, how they don't address my grief but focus on, well, everything else. We get a 50min hour, it takes me +20 min to unwind, and it feels like the real me never really comes out. Yes, bits of coping strategies still help all things in a blanket kind of way. So not all wasted. This last year the SI intensity has finally dropped dramatically (only occasional big breakthroughs now, when stress peeks).

Today I had an episode, a flashback - a ptsd episod of invasive memory. I don't know what the trigger was but i was watching a calm DVD. I noticed when I reached for my tea - my hands were shaking, then it registered my heart was racing and my breathing was up, and I asked why, then realised what my thoughts were - a rerun (like a movie) of the emergency room that night my girl died. I hate this! I don't think t will ever leave me, and yes, SI peeks these days.
I Did my breathing down and grounding and cried a little, and got up to reheat my tea. I think awareness, connecting the dots, filling the memory gaps all help. It still applies years later that:

"you can't get over grief,
you have to go through it"

I have used TV & radio to drown out my thoughts, escape, but they have triggers, so many topics that take me back, theres triggers everywhere. Distraction doesnt always work. Hand to task does sometimes, most days, when youre motivated to move. Silence is unbearable still. If the memories / flashbacks come in silence - they trap me and it takes a while to know what's happening. Sometimes that moaning thing wake me up. Today it was the shaking, or was it the pounding heart? wish I wasn't alone. What I'm saying, its hard to explain but think you get it.

Let us know how it goes Adge 🌷🌿

Glad you like my little pics. Eventually found them on my mobile phone (by accident by holding down the green arrow / return tab. I only go online with my mobile (unless at the library = desktop). What device do you use for saneforums Adge? I'm not sure you can do the little pics without touchscreen, but I'm not that tech savvy. A lot of people use tablets or iPads now. I'll probably replace my laptop with a tablet next time.

Gosh, I'm having trouble typing tonight. Sorry, hope this makes sense 💜💕🌷🌿

[Adge]

@Former-MemberI'm sorry to hear that you've been having flashbacks, or invasive memories. Not nice.

The grief research phone call was quite long, & a bit intense (thanks for asking). I think it was a bit triggering, some of the questions that she asked me - because I had brief feelings of intense sadness, when answering her questions (I was not expecting that).

It's a WA university, I'm not sure where you are (or where any other forum members are).

Thanks for sharing about your grief sessions being not focused on your grief, instead being focused on other things - that probably wasn't why you went there.

I've had that experience too, with a therapist not addressing my grief (or encouraging me to talk about it). Instead the subject was repeatedly changed onto other things.

If I have strong reactions to discussion in a therapy appointment (which I often do) - it actually takes me a whole day (or more) to settle down, & to feel calm & focused again.

Having re-runs of scenes in your mind sounds really hard. That would give me a shock.

I had that happen for weeks with the scene (memory) of when my Dad was buried.

Also soon after I was assaulted at work (& other traumatic events) - I do frequently have that even now with remembering horrible movie scenes from movies that I saw many years ago.

I need quiet & time to myself, yet the silence (& being alone at home) seems to be what triggers dissociation for me (quite often), & numbs me out.

I've noticed myself moaning quite a bit, since you mentioned it.

I cannot seem to distract myself onto other things effectively, when I'm distressed or continuously thinking (overly) about work events. I need to somehow make that work.

I get shaking hands sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed (or stressed), although often I'm not sure what the reason (cause) is.

I can really relate to your wishing that you were not alone. I often feel that way & have those wishes too.

Mostly I use my old computer for the forums, because I can type much better (faster) with a keyboard. Although I've been learning to use my mobile phone for that too, but I find it very fiddly & not easy to type with.

I don't think that I would find a tablet easy to use, although many people do. Desk computers have faster processors & more capacity (I think), which is how I've got mine to last so long (7 years).

I used to be more tech savvy, but technology is changing so fast & has sort of left me behind (I can't keep up).

Yes what you said makes sense. I'm so tired, I'm having trouble putting the words together.

Adge