Grief & loss - may be triggering

[Former-Member]

Thanks for your reply @Adge, seems we have a lot in common to talk about. I was reading on the other thread, think it wascyou, that you have birds, and more birds... You must love them. I do, gave all mine away when I was planning to die a few years back, but recently got a couple of cages to start again. I'd like to have finches and Bourke birds (for the sound they make), maybe doves. Maybe you can help me get started. Bought a bird book at a local Boot Sale a f/n back called "Birds for Dummies" - must give it a read. But not motivated to do much of anything atm, the finer things like being creative. I'm inspired that you do. Thanks for sharing with me. Hopefully we are helping each other. Gosh, now i'm crying again. This is, these tears, they just keep coming lately. Thanks for being here 🌷🌿

[Adge]

Hi @Former-Member Yes I've got lots of birds - 3 cages inside & 3 small aviaries outside.

I need some company inside so that's the cockatiels, 2 canaries & 1 peachface inside.

Finches need a lot more space (even though they are tiny birds) so that's why they're in aviaries outside.

Gee Birds for Dummies, I haven't heard of that one. There are lots other books for dummies - like computers etc.

I have a few books on birds - the finch book was really expensive ($100).

Parrots like Budgies or Bourke's or Cockatiels can be tamed (when young) finches generally can't be easily tamed.

The finches I love to watch & listen to, especially the canaries.

I really struggle to maintain my aviaries even though they're small with far less birds than I used to have.

I don't want to lose them or give them up - because then I would have no company & would miss them too much & feel lost.

I'm sorry that you have been feeling so sad. I know that feeling very well unfortunately. That's how I feel when I'm dissociated quite often.

I can rarely ever seem to cry though. Crying seems to help to feel a bit better maybe. It's supposedly very healthy.

I've only been able to cry about 5 times or so in the past 20 years.

I'm still in shock over yesterday's work drama - they put up huge resistance to my not working Tuesdays anymore. My psych wanted me to do that to reduce stress & give me time to get a different job.

You were spot on in saying (earlier post) that I sound very lonely. I don't want to come across as (seem) lonely - but yes I am.

You're welcome @Former-Member You've been there for me & I really appreciate it.

Adge

[Former-Member]

Hi @Adge, life is full of embarrassing moments - like me tagging you over on 'topic Tuesday' when ya already there (not as shy as I thought you might be). Did you get much out of it?

How are you getting on? Have you got your one weekday off now?

I've been dragging my feet (metaphorically speaking), no energy.

Came to borrow your grief thread to say to the universe "I miss my girl" Sometimes I catch myself looking at her bedroom door wondering when she's gonna come out. Its sad and lonely here.
Just needed to say it 😢

[Former-Member]

@Adge @Former-Member have been reading your posts and can relate to some of what each of you have experience.

the friend thing for me has always been affected by my mental illness even when I had not mentioned the illness. Hate that term illness!,!

one can be surrounded with family loved ones and still feel very much alone.

you both are giving each other so much. 

You have friendship right here. Honest and caring. You both are being such wonderful friends to each other.

take care of yourselves always.

will try to pop in and out every now and again.  Xxxxx

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member, nice to see you, really 💜

I posted on another thread earlier today to you, can't remember where now.

Hope you're holding up?

Thanks for reading our posts. I caught all the 'likes' ta, You must be a reader.

Adge is probably worn out from a couple hours on Topic Tuesday thread poor Adge. Hiya @Adge.

.I'm getting tired, seeping soon I think
Night Night 😴

[Adge]

@Former-Member
I did find the discussion last night a good place to connect with people.

It was hard work & a lot of waiting between posts. The posts don't pop up as people write them. A bit hard to work it out. Some great sharing.

I was totally exhausted after the 2 hours wiped out.

Grief & loss is so hard. I get what you said & how you feel. I find myself moaning Dad, & wanting & expecting him to come back. I still can't believe that he is gone.

Oh & the staring at rooms in the house I do that too. That sounds really hard for you.

@Former-Member So good to hear from you. Yes the finding friends is so hard.

Adge

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Adge, needed some empathy. Winter makes everything harder I think, magnifies the gloomy, somehow. Woke with racing heartbeat to sirens near, followed by two helicopter flyover 😞 - triggers flashbacks, and tears (I'm sick of it) but coming good now, 2-3hrs later. Nobody understands that I can't control these invasive thoughts and feelings. Just have to ride the waves.

Its good you stepped up and attended the Topic Tuesday last night. Know what you mean about feeling exhausted after concentrating for two hours, and all the waiting. I find refreshing the page frequently helps me catch new posts. There's probably an easier way - @NikNik would know, but on my mobile here I go back a page and return, kinda tweek the pages. Glad you found it helpful.

Thanks for your forum friendship 💜

Let me know later how your day went
🌷🌿🐦

[Adge]

@Former-MemberI understand needing empathy, so do I. Especially at the moment - I've been having horrendous emotional flashbacks (nothing visual) over the last few days.

Intense despair feelings & heightened anxiety. I really don't know any exact triggers that are causing - except that the on-going uncertainty of daily work shift hours (constantly changing) is really triggering & leaves me feeling helpless in itself.

I'm often super-sensitive to noises outside (& inside) my house, so I see how a helicopter fly-over would be triggering for you. That sort of thing is for me too.

I could not work out how to refresh the page during last night's discussion - so I just kept re-checking the notifications (Bell picture), to see if any new comment had popped up.

I supposedly will have Tuesdays off work from next week. They've agreed to it, although I don't fully trust that they will do what they said. Because they've still left me listed in the printed roster (for the next 2 weeks), & because there have been so many sudden shift changes already this week.

I've already lost a lot of work hours (been given far less) on other days this week, which is hard financially. Some staff told me that sudden loss of hours seems to be (sometimes) a punitive action by managers - as penalty for being assertive, or for explaining what shifts (or clients) that we cannot work with (or cannot do).

I'm trying not to jump to any conclusions, yet the loss of income (especially Tuesdays) is a lot.

I'm trying to re-schedule some appointments onto Tuesdays (on-going), which is extra change & uncertainty that I don't want at the moment.

I'm finding it really hard-going at the moment, which I think you appreciate. It sounds like you are too.

Yes we can't control those invasive thoughts & feelings, I get that too. I really do. It sometimes takes me many hours (or even days) to recover from being triggered.

I feel like crying, though the tears rarely ever come.

Thanks for your forum friendship too.

I still love those little pictures you put in at the bottom, I can't seem to find pictures to do that.

Adge

[Former-Member]

@Adge, hope today is ok for you and ya not too shattered from work? Don't forget to remind them you will not be in next Tuesday. Proud of you for setting this boundary - for your own self care. Nobody I have ever worked with or worked my guts out for are in my life now, or offered support when I had breakdown. You have to take care of you.

Hope you don't mind, have you met @TAB? He just lost a parent this week and struggling with it. Thought you could be good for each other 🌷🌿

[TAB]

Hi @Former-Member my mother passed 8wks ago now maybe, am just going through a stage maybe. Thought it was all dealt with re me