Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

[Sahara]

Had a pretty good day today at work. It is a resonably stress-free environment. Now I have the rest of the week off!

Happy that I'm going to meet with my potential PhD supervisor this week. Also feeling really greatful that my sis is going to spend time visiting my Dad in hospital, since I wont be there. 

I'm going to call Dad tonight and see how he is feeling. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Sahara

Good to read that you work in a relaxing environment and had a good day 😊 I didn't have a good day but I am going to push myself to go to my volunteer work tomorrow. I can't allow the situation with my daughter stop me from living and leading a meaningful life.

Pleased to also read that you are going to ring your Dad, that will lift his spirits. Hospitals are lonely places. How long is he in hospital for? xx

[Owlunar]

Hi @Sahara

I am glad your sister is going to visit your Dad - that is a weight off your mind

I know your Dad is only going to be in hospital for a couple of days but this is a big-deal for him

I forget if you wrote about what his visit is all about - it's okay - there are things we want to keep to ourselves 

Also - all the best with seeing your Ph.D supervisor - I am glad you are able to do this - I wish I could have

Dec

[Sahara]

Hi @Former-Member, @Owlunar, @Former-Member, 

My poor old Dad actually has a type of cancer. It was in remission, but now it's back. He has a great doctor and has good care in the hospital, as far as I have seen in the past. He only has to be in hospital two nights, so he can have his first dose of new treatment and a few more tests. I think he is going to have chemo again, but the Doctor hasn't made any firm decisions on that. I would not even be surprised if they kept him in for longer than two days... I don't know. 

He is one of those patients who is bright and cheerful with all the nurses, but all 'doom and gloom' with us. He even cracks jokes with his doctor. As soon as he is alone with us, he is extremely down and says incredibly negative stuff that becomes very depressing (like referring to SI). It's like he is a Jeckle and Hide character! 

It's amazing that my sis has been able to pull herself away from her workaholism to spend time with him, but I'm very happy that she is. I'm sure it will be my turn next. I will brace myself for it. 

Well, today I have free, so I'm going to try and make the most of it- maybe some cycling or hiking. You would wonder how I could enjoy myself while Dad is sick, but it's just the way I have of coping with things right now.  

[Former-Member]

Hi @Sahara, good to see you pop up. Sorry about your dads cancer, but glad they are onto it and he has a good Dr. One good thing about being older is cancer tends ti grow slower. My mum has got past her 2yr prognosis and though almost half her size shes still active / managing things at hinw herself and daily shopping ventures. She does fade by the end of the day. // it's fantastic your sister is sharing the responsibility a little. Do you talk with her, plan it low key? // Poor @soul on the carers side just lost her mother this week. As sad as it is I really appreciate reading how others cope to prepare me for my parents pending departure and the inevitable messy family dynamics my lot are capable of. Makes me want to just run away. Psychologist tells me not to move in to help, and to keep visits short, she's worried about me, how I am after the last few stays to help mum. // Anyway, you make the most of your free day. Beautiful sunny winters day for me 🙂

[Sahara]

Thanks @Former-Member,

Yep, I am in constant contact with my sis. My issue is that if I didn't make any contact with her, I simply wouldn't hear from her at all. It's always me initiating that contact... she is not rude, but she is always in a hurry and always working. 

A lot of times, you can tell that she is itching to get off the phone, when I call her. She basically can bare to listen to me for 5 minutes and then she says "look, I've really got to go...." 

She is that damn busy.... but does she really need to be? That's what I mean about the workaholism. (Funny... I started to write 'alcoholism' then! Freudian slip... she does love a drink.)

Look, we are lucky, we do have a good relationship...more or less. 

I like what your psychologist has to say. That's so true about limiting your visits with your Mum to a short time... and not rushing in to help. Sage advice.... you should only help if the personal cost is not too great. 

[outlander]

hi @Sahara i havent met you yet so firstly hello 🙂

i havent quite read ll of your thread but what i ahve read your going through a tough time

your thread title caught my attention and i was wondering if i could ask you a question however it hasnt really got to do with the recent things youve been talking about its more to to with the title thread... ?

[Sahara]

Yes, of course, @outlander, go right ahead. 

[outlander]

thank you 🙂 also i love your avatar pic

@Sahara ok so i too have trouble expressing my feelings as well, and everytime i do i tend to get shut down esp by my family- as recent i was called a psychopath becasue i said to my mother that my depressions and anxiety is really bad and ive been advised to go have a break.

im wondering if you could give me any advice as to how to express my feelings either clearer or make it more simple or any advice on communication would be much appreciated..

i feel like i have to hold back all the time and i ahve to watch how and where and when i say it esp around family

[Sahara]

You know @outlander,

you can't change your family, but you can learn to manage them. Just speaking from my own experience here, perhaps you would like to save talking about important things, like your mental health, for people who really do have empathy and compassion. 

This might mean that you only talk to professionals about your anxiety and depression, for now. Or else you might have an especially kind friend that you can talk to. 

If your mother called you a psychopath, then that is truly terrible, @outlander. She should never had said such a thing, but now it has been said. Sometimes, it's best to walk away.

Sometimes, you might feel brave enough to challenge her opinions.... you could say "No Mum, I'm not a psychopath, I'm just depressed... there is a huge difference. I'd prefer to have a trained, experienced doctor make a diagnosis- not you."

However, @outlander, I have a hunch that your mother was not trying to diagnose you- she was trying to insult you. And she chose a term (psychopath) that was particularly hurtful, considering you have a MI. Walk away. You do not need to tolerate being insulted. Her behavior is not on.

If you are up to it, then tell her during a quite time when you are getting along together, that her insults are unacceptable. If this is too hard for you emotionally, then you could do it with a calm, concise text message. Only if you feel up to it, though. 

Remember, you are standing up for yourself in order to help yourself... you probably wont change her behavior by making her aware of it. She may still go on being just as insulting, or she may even double up her efforts, in order to try and control you. Sad but true. 

Can you talk to a counsellor about all this, @outlander? You might like to do some role-playing with a counsellor to practice being assertive.

The thing is - you may never change the other person. Don't think for a moment that you will. That is not the point. Always protect yourself first and foremost. If that means spending a significant amount of time away from your family, while you heal from depression, then please consider doing that. 

Good to hear from you- I'll write some more soon.