Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

[Sahara]

Hi Everyone,

I've been away from Sane for a while, but I wanted to write about a recent upset. I have been feeling very angry and sad and anxious.

I was part of a community group, but I recently resigned, as I found it very unrewarding, time-consuming and frustrating. I had a leadership role. There was one lady in our group who really bothered me and confused me. 

This lady resigned from our leadership board because she felt the group "lacked vision" which made her feel "uncomfortable". She made a big show of resigning in front of everyone and I felt very personally criticized by her actions, as I was ultimately in charge of the board. 

(Some of you may remember me writing about this a few months back!)

Anyway, so as not to create disharmony in the group, I just accepted her resignation and thanked her. The bad news is that she decided to hang around.... as a regular member of our group. (Nothing I could do about that.) Then, she started turning up to board meetings again! And once or twice she landed on my front doorstep to ask questions.... without so much as a howdy-do! Like, she obviously has no social skills!

I tolerated her, but my anger began to grow. 

The thing is, that up until her resigning from the board, I had had her around for tea and scones at my place and welcomed her into  my home... we were also planning to run a workshop together.... then, bam, she just hits me with her resignation totally out of the blue! 

Why?

Now that I too have left the group, I decided to tell her how I really felt about her inconsistent and confusing behavior. I emailed her and told her that I felt disrespected by her and explained why. I got it all off my chest in an articulate and pithy way. Then I blocked her emails because I am just so angry at her. 

My anger seems to come from people who give me very mixed messages. I really feel so flat and drained now... I keep wanting to fall asleep. I'm also pretty anxious- like, what if she turns up at my house again? I know this doesn't sound very serious to most of you, but I have this huge problem telling people how I really feel and once I do tell them, I feel frightened.

Thanks. 

[Former-Member]

I'm really sorry this happened for you @Sahara. I know it was very close to your heart. 

I can identify with that fear. I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom on this but I hold those kind of fears too and they affect me deeply and for a long time. I hope it all passes soon for you and that she leaves you alone understanding that you no longer wish to have contact. 

I hope you find something that gives you joy and a sense of fulfilment soon to replace this loss.

wishing you all the best 

💜🤗💐

[Sahara]

Thanks @Former-Member. You are very kind. I hope the woman leaves me alone, too. I somehow believe she will, as she would have been peed off at the email I wrote, which did not mince words.... although it was honest and forthright. 

I am glad I left the group and have no regrets about that. Very few people in the group were truly interested and so I did 90% of the work and I did not even enjoy it, in the end. What I could have done differently was refrain from telling the woman how I really felt about her and just kept my distance and grumbled about her to myself. This is what I would normally do.

But I felt I had to address my anger for my own benefit and growth and so I told her how I actually felt. It would have been almost impossible for me to do that if we both had stayed in the group.

Wow, @Former-Member, my husband just told me that she  sent me a message via his email! How inappropriate, I really want to have another go at her now!!

[Former-Member]

hello @Sahara

People!!

Groups, committees seem to attract the all controlling, know it alls. They have been there, done it all, seen everything. No body knows as much as they do or could possibly have as much value as they have.

Hence everyone else lacks vision.

Regardless of who knows what, has what visions...........the idea of a community group is usually for improvement of something.

You gave much of your time and found that others were very happy for you to do just that.

This controlling person who supposedly resigned yet still haunts seems to have a bee in her bonnet. Even to the extent of jealousy? stalking?

To now write to your husband is bizarre. I would let your husband respond. She is trying to get you to bite. If your husband is anything like mine, he will not mince words and send her on her bike.

If you can hold yourself back, dont play the game, further feeding the monster so to speak.

Good luck

[Sahara]

Thanks @Former-Member,

yeah, I know what you mean.... I just got off the phone to an old friend who basically said what you have said! This woman just wants to get a raise out of me. If I engage with her she will probably try and claim that I harassed her or something similar, as she is an idiot and an attention-seeker.  I will have to stay well away from her, as she is not 'normal', believe me. 

My husband does not give a flying fart what she says and is not going to answer her message. He is not like me; people do not upset him and he sleeps soundly every night no matter what happens. I cannot believe his composure... he is the opposite to me. He never feels anxious. Amazing.

Now i am drinking Cognac. Oh dear.  I am really happy that I have you lovely people to talk to! xx

[Former-Member]

Hello @Sahara

it is far easier to give advise to others than oneself.

far easier to see the picture standing on the outside looking in.

you have been a valuable member on here, helping others with wise words

you turn to receive some care

husbands can be laid back, men relate differently to one another

enjoy your cognac..very nice...cheers xx

ps keep venting if you have the need as I know you would say to othersxx

[Sahara]

Thanks @Former-Member,

yes, I guess it's easier to see the big picture when you look at it from the outside. That is what I am trying to do now. This woman annoyed me, gave me some mixed messages.... so I tried to call her out on her behavior but now I realise that I shouldn't have bothered. She is just too difficult and will try and cause problems for me... writing to my husband... how weird!

As it is, nothing has really come of it.... it is a storm in a tea-cup - a storm that I feel guilty for creating. I feel pretty low.... over something that is really only very small; or should be very small. I burst into tears last night in front of my husband and was crying, saying how I had always tried to be nice to the woman and I felt she turned on me and was mean to me for no reason.... I was a cry-baby. 

Now I can't sleep, even though I am very tired. When something upsets me, I always have trouble sleeping and it makes everything worse. It is very bad laying there in the dark in bed and going over everything in my mind over and over again.

I spoke to my Dad on the phone last night and tried to explain how I feel and told him that it would take me a few weeks to settle down.... he basically said that he found it very hard to believe! How could I let it get to me? He said that if something like that ever happened to him he would not give it a second thought and would not even care.... a bit like my hubby! So I must have married a man just like my Dad!

[Sahara]

I did have the thought late last night that the woman I have issues with might be on the Autism Spectrum. If that is the case, then I must feel sorry for her. I know people with Autism do not want sympathy, as such, and I don't wish to demean them.

I really thought that she was socially inappropriate- tuning up on my doorstep to ask questions and not making the usual small-talk and then sending that email to my husband (there was nothing bad in it). 

She absolutely failed to acknowledge that I felt disrespected by her, in her email explanation, and did not offer an apology.... it was just written in a dry and official manner with no reference to the fact that I am a human being with feelings that she has hurt. So it would fit in with someone on the Autism Spectrum and would explain why we clash and I can't understand her. It's sort of like she is a kind of robot. She even looks a bit robotic. She sort of has fixed, staring eyes. (Not to suggest that people with Autism are like this- sorry!!) She is just s very, very different individual!

[Former-Member]

hello @Sahara

It is awful that you were left feeling that way and then had your sleep interrupted as well.

Husband alongside snoring away in bliss? Is that what you meant.

You have also gone down the path of thinking that there might be another reason for her behaviour.

Regardless of her health, condition she treated you disrespectfully.

She also crossed the boundary in messaging your husband.

You can write a letter to her and tell her everything that you would like to and then NOT post it.

Or you could write a letter where you painstakingly avoid offending, further fuelling an odd situation that got out of hand.

Personally the first idea would be my choice.

End of the day, when you have destroyed said letter, have closure, you are a human being with feelings and you have been kind to her by considering if there is another reason.

hope that helps oh and then as others tell me all the time, treat yourself to something nice because you are nice and dont forget that xxxxx

[Sahara]

Thanks @Former-Member,

I am doing a lot better. For whatever reason, that weird woman pressed my buttons, but I have to accept that that is all that happened and move forward now. She has not committed a crime, or anything like that.

I talked to my best friend last night and she basically said the same thing as you- that I am a very kind and thoughtful person to make excuses for the woman, thinking that she may be on the Autism Spectrum, and that would explain her behavior. 

No, I will not engage with her again, as I have left the group and I don't see her socially for any other reason. She is pretty involved in a church in this town, but thankfully, church is not something I go in for! They can have her! 

I think what may have happened - is that I resigned from that community group and as a result, I felt anger towards that woman, as she seemed to embody everything that was wrong with the group as a whole. I didn't resign because of her- I resigned because the group was such a mish-mash of people who all had their own agendas and who couldn't agree on anything. The majority of them were inconsistent and unreliable! I might have pitched my expectations of people way too high, of course. 

The people I've spoken to about community groups tell me that they found the same problems as me- everyone wants to be involved, but no-one wants to actually do anything! They are only in it for what they think they can get out of it.... they seem to expect that all the actual work will be done by someone else. Hmmmm. 

There was a few other things too.....I don't want bore you!