I don't want to live anymore. I hate being a 'victim' but can't see myself as a 'survivor' because I am barely existing at all. Who I am and what I am are all influenced by the hurt that has been caused me. This has given me empathy, insight and knowledge of the human existence in both it's best and worst maifestations - but it has also continued to attack my own self-worth, fear of failure, negative value in whatever role I have had and inability to form or maintain any sort of relationships with anyone. I am an intelligent, creative and supportive person but none of that means anything if I don't like myself and I don't believe in myself. It is extremely difficult for anyone to gain or maintain any self-worth when one has been de-valued, abused and demoralised for the vast majority of their lives from multiple sources - including those closest to you! Why did I allow it to happen and why did I allow it to continue - I didn't have a choice. Sometimes in our lives we just DON'T have a choice. Anyone that says we always have choices has never been in these abusive and violent situations. Then again - I suppose you could say that I did have a choice - but that choice was between living and dying - I chose to live - now - I am not sure I made the right choice! I know there are so many people out there that have suffered worse than me - and I can only imagine their pain - but my pain is still MINE and it is very real and very debilitating. This becomes even more so as I do it alone. I do not have friends or even aquaintances that I can talk to - not even family. I do not have anyone in my life that I can turn to, that I can trust, that I can confide in, that I can just BE with. I have made it this far on my own because that is the safest place for me. I will not let anyone else into my life for fear of what pain could be inflicted on me again. I keep all my 'secrets' to myself - having protected everyone else around for all my life. I am constantly reminded of what I have had to deal with everywhere I turn. They are not so much 'triggers' as they are things/places/people/life that I 'live' with every day. I cannot escape the reminders - they are everywhere - where I work, where I lived ....
The only escape for me seems to be eternal darkness - which I seem to be living in now anyway. I do not have a life and there is certainly no meaning in my day to day existence. The selfish way to stop this would be to step away from life - but the reality is I will continue to endure this pain and this darkness because I will not have any of my 'secrets' come out for others to know and for them to have to live with also. I will continue to 'exist' so that others can 'live' - even though I don't want to!
