Am Not Coping

[utopia]

@Zoe7. I forgot to say.... you can get through this. It is hard ... but you WILL come out the other side. You are doing what you need to do ... and I'm very proud of you. ♥♥

[Faith-and-Hope]

Here for you too @Zoe7 ..... ❤️💕

[Zoe7]

Thanks @utopia @Faith-and-Hope

[Zoe7]

@utopia @Faith-and-Hope

It is staring to get dark (looks like the rain is not far away) and it is very windy. You both know what effect the wind has on me and it definitely is a massive trigger to just add to what I am already dealing with. I'm not sure how this night is going to go but I do know it is going to be really long and very hard. I know I am generally in a much better place than I have been previously but this is so hard. After my session yesterday I really am left wondering if I am ever going to get past this - I'm really not sure if it is possible.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I will stay up painting tonight @Zoe7 and send you update photos .... available to chat as I do .....

I had a rough passage with WH this morning and am leaky now .... got the problem sorted but still a bit shaky in the aftermath .... so you can walk along with me as I walk along with you, if you're up to it ....

❤️💕

[Zoe7]

@Faith-and-Hope You can tell me what happened if you want to - if you don't that's ok!

We can walk together tonight as long as I can put up with the pain - I don't want to take too many painkillers now because I know that when I sleep like this and wake up drowsy then that is when I can take more meds than I should - I don't have many in the house atm but enough to be right on the edge. I don't want to be in that place again and I don't want to keep feeling this pain. It really sucks!!!

[utopia]

@Zoe7. It could be a night to have the music softly playing - & maybe you can focus on that.
Fingers crossed the rain is louder than the wind.
Do you play solitaire - with cards or on the computer? I often get so absorbed in solitaire - that hours will go by without me being aware.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Let's see how we go @Zoe7 and just ate it one step at a time .... and as @utopia suggested, bring all your self-care coping box stuff along too ....

Feeding baby dragons at the moment .... late lunch / early dinner - while WH is away we will play sort of thing - but then I'm going to stake a time out and I will tell you what happened ....

The sting has gone out of it now, so it becomes just another story after that, part of our bigger story .....

💜

[Zoe7]

@utopia No noise at the moment - head hurts too much. Can't even see the keyboard or screen properly so touch typing - I hope without too many mistakes. The wind has stopped so that has given me a little relief but it has still added more to my already packed mind. I can't seem to separate out my thoughts atm - they are just jumbling up into one big puzzle, with so many pieces, I don't know where to start.  

Every time we start dealing with this 'stuff' it just makes me feel like I am going backwards again. I really don't know what to do! If I don't try and deal with it I will never sleep properly - but in trying to deal with it I feel like I take so many steps backwards and I don't want to do it anymore. I honestly do not know how many more times I can relive this without it finally being too much. I generally just feel afterwards like I wish I had not woken up at all and then I wouldn't have to go through this again and again.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Zoe7 .... your therapist obviously believes that you can and will recover, and that is not based on the toss of a dice ..... she will be seeing signs that it is right for you, and that it can / will / is working ....

She can see you not having to deal with it any more for reasons of being recovered .....

Maybe it will help to ask her to explain to you what she sees and why she believes this is the right way forward for you .....

❤️💕