Thanks @Owlunar and @Former-Member,
It is so interesting to read other people's point of view on this. I think that intellectually I know that we are supposed to be kind to ourselves and I usually go through all the right motions of being kind to myself. For example, I take long bubble baths, I go and get my hair done, I slather myself with body lotion, I do my yoga and relaxation exercises... I take myself out for coffee... I curl up with a good book and a fluffy blanket. When I am doing all these things- I definitely enjoy them! If fact, I feel like I could spend all day just doing these things, and not much else!
@Former-Member, I don't really know if I am hard on myself or judgemental about myself... it's difficult to tell. I think I can be....
But for me, I sometimes feel that I don't really even exist!! It's so difficult to get my head around. Of course I do exist. Obviously I do. It's just that somewhere deep inside me, I have come to feel that I am just an extension of everyone else's needs and wants. Unless I am doing someone else's bidding, then I don't feel like I matter.
I think that's why I ran into trouble with the community group that I led. I tried so hard not to make it about me, that I got lost in it. I just did hundreds of hours of work to try and please others. I thought 'helping people is meant to be satisfying'. Every single spiritual tradition tells us that to help others is the path to fulfillment. Why didn't it work for me? Why did I just get frustrated and feel unappreciated?
Well, one reason is that there is a huge difference in helping others and enabling them. I think I enabled a lot of people in our group to get away with being lazy! Lazy and basically disrespectful.
Last week, I spoke to a friend of mine whose brother is separating from his wife. She was very, very upset about the way her brother is being treated. I keep feeling that I should call her this week and ask if she is ok. In the past, I definitely would have called her by now. I would have anxiety about it.... thinking "Is she ok? I hope she is ok?"
Now, I really do wonder if I should wait until she calls me. Because whether or not she is ok is her issue. I don't have to do all the worrying for her. It's just that my very identity seems to be so tired up with being there for other people, that I have trouble getting past this.
The funny thing is, that I long ago gave up expecting anyone to ever be there for me! That's why I sometimes have this feeling... "do I even exist?" Because no-one seems to ever call me up and check if I am ok.... not even when I was severely depressed.
I know I have to continually shift the focus back onto myself and what I really want from my life.
