Hey @Rick
I hope you are travelling ok. I've been a bit overwhelmed dealing with Christmas, for once (in 40 years) the day was ok but I think the backlash hit me after the weekend. It's shut me down. Now trying to crawl back out of my shell.
What you say resonates with me, the not liking oneself (or even self-hatred) is part of the horrible mill-stone weight baggage left by childhood abuse and neglect - as children we naturally assume it is our fault that we are treated this way. The paths, from being severely broken, to a journey in search of wholeness are many - but I believe there is a unique path for each of us. I also believe we can do much to encourage each other along the way - as fellow pilgrims if you like. I'm pretty exhausted at the moment, but rereading this post reminded me of something I wrote last year, I hope it (&why) make some sense.
A Lenten Reflection
"Mourning the death that sin has caused in our lives"
carries a dual meaning for me at this point in my life
Like everyone I have a great deal that I need to recognise and confess,
thereby allowing God's light to enter
At times this process holds an invitation
but often it is an enormous challenge.
This Lent more than any before I am struggling with
the death that others' sins have caused in my life
Lately the hangover from childhood neglect and abuse
is so weighty I feel as if I have been physically beaten all over,
and the grief is overwhelming
Small children are very open to believing that it's all their fault
Such a lie, once ingrained, is very hard to weed out
So for Lent I am trying to give up "beating up on myself"
for all manner of things,
including sometimes having difficulty telling whose sin
I am suffering from
The road to the cross is not promised as a bed of roses,
nor as a quick fix
What is promised is a bumpy road with a companion who always gets it,
loves each and every one of us, and sticks by us
no matter what
And –
should we find the courage to open the wounds of sin to His healing touch –
a transformative journey which reshapes brokenness into beauty
and resurrects through death into life
An invitation –
to take up my own cross and follow Him
– that I cannot refuse
Kindest regards,
Kristin
