Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[REK24]

Hi everyone, I am looking to find anyone out there who has a partner with BPD. Trying to build up some strategies around support, communication and boundaries 

thanks

[Jynx]

Hey @REK24 welcome! Hope you find what you're looking for here on the forums. I reckon @BPDSurvivor could be someone who might have insights into those things. 

If you wanted to, feel free to share some of your story, and the particular challenges you are facing at the moment. Even if folks with BPD all share common traits, no two people experience it the same way, and no two relationships are the same either, so having a bit more of an idea about what you're finding particularly difficult could help!

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @REK24 ,

Welcome.

thanks @Jynx for tagging me. 

@REK24 , I have BPD so I know first hand what’s going through this borderline brain of mine.

but like @Jynx said, BPD is different for everybody. 

I guess what I CAN do is share my experiences.

as a borderline, we are hurting. As much as we are hurting those we love most, deep down, it’s like we are getting salt rubbed into our wounds. I’m not sure if you know of a skin condition sometimes known as butterfly skin? Well to me, that’s like the physical version of BPD. Emotionally, borderlines are very very fragile. Every bump sends searing pain throughout the body. So much so that often death seems easier.

for me, my emotional dysregulation was the hardest to deal with. I felt I needed to be cared for like a dependant and leech off them OR, I needed to fully care for others and smother them. There was no in between.

TW: self harm

good news is, BPD very treatable. It took a long time but every step was worth it. And yes, boundaries were key. People set boundaries, communicated them to me and stuck by those boundaries. For example, if I self harmed and needed medical attention, then medical attention would be sought. And yes, I had many admissions.

when I was ready, I finally reach out for help. But that took 10 years for me to finally be ready. I ended up getting an admission to an MBT clinic for just over 18months of treatment. It was the best thing ever.

I owe my life to mentalisation based therapy. When I look back, I’m a completely different person and things couldn’t be better.

as a carer, take time to look after yourself. Borederlines can be very emotional draining and carers often find themselves in a constant state of hyper vigilance.

just remember, under all that hurt, borderlines can be the most compassionate, zealous, warm people. There hypersensitivity makes them very thoughtful and intuitive to people’s needs. They just need someone to help them find themselves. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Which state are you in? I might be able to share some supports you can access in your state.

@REK24 

my therapy was in Melbourne through a personality disorder clinic, spectrum. It’s very difficult to get in though.

[REK24]

Thanks for your message I am looking for some tools to be more effective at communicating with my partner. She is finally back in a MH ward after about 18 months of dangerous self destructive behaviour it has been quite the ride because I’m new to the forum not sure if I can DM @BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey,

 These forums don’t members DM. So we just post here.

 For be inpatient units were very unhelpful for me. I ended up worse in there. However, I believe they have their place if they are not safe. 

The other really important aspect is that while she is there, use the time yourself to recuperate. 

I’ve spoken to many carers of those with BPD and while their loved ones are in hospital, it’s a chance for carers to recharge their batteries. It’s not bad to think this way. It’s the only way carers can manage. Otherwise it leads to carer fatigue and burnout.

 What did help me though are prevention and recovery centres. They helped a lot in my recovery because I felt I was in control. Hospitals mean they are in control whereas PARCs is completely different.

 Do you think your partner sees there’s an issue? Do you think she wants things to change? I think this is the first step.

[BPDSurvivor]

Sorry @REK24 . I forgot to tag you in the above message

[REK24]

QLD

[BPDSurvivor]

Has she ever engaged in therapy eg DBT? @REK24 

[BPDSurvivor]

You may want you check this BPD carer support group in qld https://arafmi.com.au/carer-family-support/carer-support-groups/#1

scroll down until you see the heading BPD carer support group. 

@REK24 

Please always remember to look after yourself.

 You may also be interesting in reading this thread LIVE CHAT: BPD for Friends, Family and Carers - This Sunday 3rd October 7:00-8:30pm AEDT