Bereavement

[Decadian]

@eth

People say the weirdest things - as if you can just go on living normally when an important person in your life dies - esp if it is the death of a young person

We have had 5 family deaths in 11 years - 2 of these were my parents - and this is a painful but natural part of existence - having Dad die was easier because he and I were on good terms - but my mother - no - that was only last year - I think I am past that now. My parents were in their 90s - they had a good innings

But my son died 30 years ago - and I doubt I will ever get over that - I have learned to live around it - the scar in my soul is light-years long and millenia deep and I think some of the things that I have heard people say are ridiculous

That is my story -

But imagine if someone lost a leg - and people said - "aren't you over that yet!!" - that would be laughable

@eth@Appleblossom@Bimby2

I don't know how many people you are grieving, or who they are or how they died - it is still very hard to get through. And those stages of grief - it's not like a questionaire - complete one section and that's finished so go to the next - rather grief reactions jump around

It's such a complex subject - and I am really glad that this thread has been started -

Decadian

[eth]

@Decadian  I've lost several people over the years, more in the last 10, I went down hard losing my Dad and then my step-father (who had saved my life) but the hardest one that took longest to feel somewhat reconciled to was having a still-born child in 1996.  I also had a lot of grief dealing with my 3-month premmie (1988) developing almost blind - it's not always death that causes it.  It was this experience when a 'friend' who was a nurse (!) said that about getting over it.  The psychiatrist I saw at the time said it was as if I'd lost a healthy baby and then had to come to terms with a different and difficult outcome.

I agree that the stages of grief do not happen in the same order all the time and I believe and experienced different aspects flaring up at all sorts of times.  Grief has it's own time.  And at times when it has had a sudden onset it has pushed me into major depression and even bipolar mania.

[eth]

I also have experienced new grief bringing old grief back to the surface.

[Decadian]

Aw @eth

I am so sorry -

You had a child that lost their vision - who would be 28 now - and then 10 years later - a still-birth - have I got that right?

Before I started my family I had two of my girl friends have still births and my aunt had a premmie who lived two days - and my mother told me at the time my cousin would have been blind

I was so cut up with all of this - I was miscarrying (several times)  And the  things people say - I know I am over the miscarriages -

In reallity - we all face and endure and grow through these experiences differently. There's no right nor wrong - we feel what we feel

And yes - I agree that having your child lose their vision would be a cause for grief - you may grieve it more than your child - who has never known life any other way

It's years, lots of years, a decade - add the decades - and it still hurts, it still brings tears - I know this - I really do

And I care🎉

Decadian

[eth]

I care too @Decadian.  How old was your son when you lost him, if you don't mind me asking?  That must be so hard.

I agree that there's no right or wrong in dealing with bereavement and grief.  So many of us here have had so many losses in our lives.

[Decadian]

Hi @eth

My son was 16 - that seems so young - and it seems like it was yesterday - but that yesterday is nearly 30 years ago

Time warps with things like this

He was adopted - and this was too much for him - I have thought so much about it through the years - how must it be to be taken from your mother straight after birth and taken to people you don't know.

I was able to get some birth information - it was harder in those days - but his parents were not tall and dark like him - he could see that he was of mixed race and it tore him apart - and it doesn't matter that I didn't mind this at all - he did - and it destroyed him

He took his own life in Juvenile Detention - and it was a terrible place to d ie - but after all these years I do believe he is at peace

I doubt I ever will be - maybe the patches in between the bad bits will get longer

what you wrote - about one death setting off our grief about another -  I worked in a big insurance company and shared some work with the guy I sat next to - and I had my own work - and he was ki lled in a car accident. In 1964 I was the senior girl in the office - and I iknew all the girls were watching me to see how I behaved and I swallowed my grief - and it stayed down there for 22 years and I had to deal with that as well as my son

We have to do our grief work some time - it can hide or be hidden - but it is still there

Decadian

[eth]

I really feel for you @Decadian. Thankyou for sharing your story with me.  Words are not enough.

[PeppiPatty]

Hi @eth

I right here with you, nd I'm not forgetting about you @Decadian or @eth. I read your messages, I think bout them. I've actually ordered your book Decadin but.....gotta get the mulla to get in July on carers payout......until them Ille get in the libary. 

@Appleblossom has suggested a book which I havent even looked for .....oops. I will I will, @Mazarita has read it. 

@Appleblossom oops..... that Im writing about you in the third person;

I've known @Appleblossom for a while and my friend @Appleblossom, I still remember being shattered by her story for about a week when she was writing about it and thinking ......so much grief. But she also needed someone to actually...read her, listen to her......

And the shattered which I felt slowly wound down....remember @Appleblossom when I was thinking about how to get your daughter to speak to you again, I had no idea of all the ......mess......sorry about that.....

And Apple and me have also had our......run ins haven't we @Appleblossom.......

she and me taught each other.

So I'm writing on @Appleblossom while shes reading, no more third person...I don't think. 

I think my husband might be grieving as well, his past life. I still cannot believe he turned his whole life around in one day; stopped drugs, alcohol. It took him about 6 to one year to recontact me again and he stays with Next Step, an agency here throughtout Western Australia which watches over him .......there is ........as so many people might observe....problems like think he might be grieving but.......we are good good good. 

And I dont think that he needs grieving talk like others........stuff all those people who might think otherwise. We had about one to two years of Psychotherapy when we first met to make sure that we should be together...............

[Appleblossom]

Sorry for shattering you with my story @PeppiPatty but thank you so much for hearing ... and caring and healing yourself and bouncing back with friendship and lots of pep!

Yep, the card wasnt going to cut it with my baby girl, but I also "knew" you meant well.  I sent her another friendly email today .. I send a few a year .. about 3 -5.

Maybe you are right about your other half .. grief isnt a one size fits all shroud.

I have been conflicted for a long time about knowing what is dumping and what is controlled and appropriate release of information .. in the end .. I sapt the dummy and figured .. it was appropriate on this site to tell it as it is.

[Adge]

This is a very helpful thread & discussion, it's very relevant for me too.

Although it's from about 12 months ago, so perhaps no one is adding to the discussion now.

I contacted a University Wellness Centre about the Grief Research Study they advertised (on Radio) – for participants who feel overwhelmed by grief, or unable to come to terms with it. They will have to get back to me about my suitability etc.

Their operational hours are until 4.30pm weekdays, so it seems unlikely that I will be able to attend.

It seems pointless to even contact such things, or to consider doing them – as I fear that it (& many other cancelled appointments) may be unavailable to me, due to work unpredictability.

I do need grief services, if available - as I've been unable to attend a grief group, or to access any grief support services in the 14 months since my father died (last year).

In most cases I don’t even hear about helpful (suitable) resources or support services. So I am giving this a try, in case I can access it for grief support.

Adge