living with DID/ Dissociative Identity Disorder

[-Rayne-]

Sorry for my slow replying. @mandy84 I do think there's a reluctance to diagnose it among some professionals. I'm not entirely sure why, other than that they've been taught that it's rare and therefore second guess what they're seeing. Does it matter? I think it does, yeah. Just my opinion but the best and most effective therapy that we've had (in terms of improving our functionality) has been with people who fully understand our separateness and don't try to minimise it. Those who are reluctant to accept that, for whatever reason, seem less able to appreciate the day to day issues and challenges of sharing a body and without that, trauma work is not useful. That's just our experience though - others might have different views. 

@Former-Member early on we started writing down what we did, to try deal with memory gaps, and that morphed over time into a notice board for things like, "fed the cat at 6pm" and "its not fair that we never have any lollies" and a journal for longer and more signficant things that we want to say to each other. The journal was/is important for our fronting people who tend to find it hard to hear the others. All but one of us now hears at least some of the others, some of the time. Listening is important... not pushing the voices away or thinking you're imagining them, just being open to what you hear like you would be if anyone you care about spoke to you. And remembering that even if they say things that seem alarming, they're not bad (and neither are you). Honouring them. 

A post by many of us 🙂

Hi @Maggie, I think we've met here before but ages ago.. How have you been?

[Former-Member]

HI @Brair, thanks for your reply.
I think I might try to get into the habit of keeping a more detailed journal. I've found I usually loose time when I'm stressed or something emotionally stressful comes up.
I'm not sure I have did, or alters at all. I'm just going off what my therapist has said to me, and he didn't say much. And the other thing is, the only voice(s) I hear are of the devil, and usually only when I'm really depressed. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the devil - why would I say such horrible things to myself. But then even if they are hallucinations like I've been told they are - they're still coming from my brain. What in the world am I thinking to say such things to myself. Why would I hallucinate ways to hurt myself? Why do I hear voices telling me to harm myself? But this is only when I'm feeling very very depressed.
Sorry, I'm rambling....
But.... I never listen to myself, Maybe I have more to say than I realise?


Why is being crazy so complicated and confusing.

[-Rayne-]

@Former-Member We have people who have harmed our body before. Some think they or we need to be punished, others think it will make us feel better or make us safer. When they're near me, I feel some of their emotion which is entirely negative and almost overwhelming to me. None of them/us are the devil though. 

I don't know if this fits for you - that's not for me to say. But if you want to, I can't see any harm in asking the one who wants to hurt you, who they are and why they want to do that. 

Peace ~

[Maggie]

Hi guys, interesting reading your replies. I'm working with a great social worker as everyone else gave up. She's an angel and that's putting it mildly. It's important as you have said, to be with people who accept all of us, God knows it's hellish enough without external voices as well as the internal pushing us around. I haven't met anyone else in person to talk to regarding this illness, as in friend I mean. I hope you don't mind me joining in here. It's only recently I've found my voice.

[-Rayne-]

Hey @Maggie, I totally agree about acceptance of plurality trumping, well, basically everything. Our last therapist had never had a DID client before us but she was the best! I'm gradually coming to the view that we have the resources inside that we need to heal - we just need external allies to support us as we access them.

[Maggie]

@-Rayne- Hi there, yes, if only more people understood the difficulties as well as the ability to live as we do. I have recently needed to look for a new GP....the one we have seen twice seems afraid, little does she seem to understand our fears of rejection we face in these situations. It's a difficult life, not chosen by us. We have recently connected with another member, more trauma and memories as well as progress. We're struck down in a deep depression right now, where more time is spent in bed than out. Thank you for listening. 

[sketa]

HI @aj we are also DID. we have 10 individual alters ranging in age from 3 to God knows. we some some alters that are non aging while others seem to not know their age but some how have matured. Due to recent events I haven't been able to control I now find myself ( I mean ourselves ) in an ugly custody battle. my question. are you medicated? I have been told that medication can some times cause more trouble than good. have you ever gone out to find yourself in the middle of public discussion and having to defend yourself without knowing what just happened.

Let me explain that question. my body is 40 but one alter is 19. when she goes out to the pub she dresses accordingly to her age however when I go out (yes im another alter aged 30) I dress the way i like, the problem is, one night after a very long and hot day at work I went out for a couple of drinks and had only had 2 beers when I went to the bathroom and then I'm missing a couple of hours. when I came back I was being told I was drunk, had been smoking something or had taken something in the bathroom. none of these where true but because people are so... judgmental all they saw was a 40 ye old body behaving like a teenager and made up the reasons why. my ex painter has found out about it and is serving me with custody papers for immediate custody which doesn't allow me visiting until my drug related mental health is dealt with by means of rehab etc. she is not an only child and i/we have been doing fine with parenting until he tried to make and enforce the rules. I left this man due to DV to myself and the older girls. he is a control freak and I'm now finding the struggle hard to cope but am afraid to reach out for help. my psychiatrist tells me this is normal but I'm not feeling well

[Neb]

Popped in to see if I can add my little bit to the conversation. Firstly, I have DID which was misadiagnosed for a decade ( I think) but eventually ended up with a chap who specialised in the disorder and was fortunate enough to live in a city which had a dedicated unit for when acute.

I NEVER thought my life could approximate normalness but here I am. I celebrated (mourned) my 58 birthday on Tuesday, by golly I never thought I would get here. The amnesia/fugue state thing aint pretty  eh. I have some rather largish gaps in the memory. I am fortunate in enjoying embroidery,knitting and the like. Even when really "bad" I was able to stitch and so I have some framed pieces which I call "1985" and "1990" as that is what is there of those years. I feel so much of my life has been wasted in illness but having those tangible evidences is soothing for me. I was an involuntary patient during those years.

Getting better for me was having a professional where I could build a theraputic relationship with, trust etc which takes a LONG time.....then I talked and talked and talked. He listened and was able to get to a point of intergation with me and the "others". This is not the only path to recovery but it was the best one for me. It could fall apart under stress (like at work), and I ultimately retired early due to that. I felt my work was very central to who I was , but have since realised any worth is from the inside of one not what one does.

I cut the umbilical cord to my therapist when I moved from my home city to over the ditch into New Zealand. This was a massive thing to do, but I have a life here....it is insignificant in so many ways but I have a contentedness and happiness I treasure more than any physical thing.

I hope all of those who have DID can look back in time and say "yes, that was me too....."

[Former-Member]

hi @Neb, thankyou for sharing and i to hope to get to a point like that one day but it seems so far off

hi @sketa, yes i am medicated but for anxiety not DID, and while i cant imagine what your going through with your custody battle i completely understand people judging my behaviour when a switch and have feared losing my son because someone might think i am not safe for him. medication at the start can be troblesome for a few as sometimes its trial and error till they find the right one. i had this trouble as any meds that came with side effects that disrupted my ability to care for my son i stopped taking

[sketa]

I've been trying to talk to my Dad today to get some support but I got the same result I would get from any other stranger. your just trying to get sympathy and look at you get off the drugs and just do what he wants. I'm biggest fear now is I can't sit in a small town doctors waiting room with out a massive panic and anxiety attack so how am I going to do Family Court. the one person who I thought was supporting me has just decided they can't handle me anymore and is ending the friendship so now what..... do I show my baby that I'm not the strong special person she thinks I am and just walk out of her life. he wants me cured before I am allowed visitation with her but I can't go into the court.... now I'm in the middle of an internal conflict that must just prove to everyone I'm crazy by the arguments that have started happening to me by me...