Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

Thank you @Owlunar @outlander @Grasshopper3 @Former-Member @Zoe7 and others

I made it through the day..yesterdat...emotional yes....tears yes....

I wrote about my emotions as a way of dealing with the day and how I knew that I would feel the loss...I was looking after me...accepting that I cannot change my mother or my sister....my mother now 92 is coming to terms with her own reality...her own new home...limited lifestyle in a nursing home....she also has had loss of friends she has made since going in there in the last 12 months...this would be very hard...

My mother is very stoic in her approach to life and presents as a very pleasant...well spoken...well mannered...kind and gentle lady.....All of these things she is....There is another side that presents itself behind doors to family...I believe because she grew up in a stiff upperlip household where you did not show emotion...a very different generation..we have spoken of this on other threads...the second world war having a huge impact also..a young mum left at home with her own mum as her father. brother and older sister joined the forces..

We grew up without demonstration or expression of love....yet my sister and I knew that we were loved....over sheltered...overprotected...in my mind controlled...

So I am not going to allow myself to judge my mother as I feel that she is now judging me...I am now and have been for so long judged as being different...difficult...causing trouble....why? If I did not agree I would not change to make others feel better...I was and still am a very curious person with many many questions which drives the medical world insane (interesting concept there) so of course I triggered the uncertainty within my mother and sister which they  worked so hard at to conceal...

I am also aware that my mother has carried all of the grief that my sister and I have shared....the grief and trauma...the loss of life....

She is entitled to think of herself first now....If that means that I cannot be included because I induce anxiety so be it....I am learning to deal with that myself....in writing my thoughts on this thread....I am working through my emotions..

I am not saying that I am right...my mother is right...others are wrong....I am accepting what is...not liking it is a different kettle of fish..

I am expressing how I am choosing to deal with this separation....words like abandonment and loss will become less unbearable as time passes....Of course there will always be sadness....I will just learn to be gentle with myself and not blame myself or allow myself to feel any guilt...

This is another lesson in life for me...

I do appreciate very much @Owlunar your own honesty of your experience and feelings...I respect your opinion as yours ...your own way of dealing with your grief and loss...

As the time comes nearer to your anniversaries please tag me if you need to write your thoughts and feel supported...

You have supported me ...respected me.....listened....powerful support..

Thank you

[Sophia1]

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Sophia1

I  will indeed tag you when my own anniversaries start to affect me and thanks for your enlightening reply - you have thought through a lot and explained a lot

I think your mother's story and mine my mother's story are similar - my mother was newly married had had two children straight away - Dad was in a protected industry and working 13 day fortnights - 12 hour shifts - and was away most of the time and I am sure had no idea that his children were being physically abused by his wife who was not coping with the situation - WW2 of course - 

Maybe the stiff upper lip was the only way of coping - but I don't think it's right - my grandmother was born during Victorian times and brought that attitude into our lives at every moment - and I guess that worked for her but I still don't think it's right

Life was different - things were physically harder then - but for some reason the emotional needs of people were stilll there and maybe a lot of that is what has caused the emotional discomfort of these times - who knows - there is always a cause but it can be really hard finding out what that is

But whatever - there is no need for blame - rather than we can trust to see that things are different and accept that - 

I'm sorry about the loss of contact with your mother and sister - that is so close to my heart I can almost see it

Sending hugs again

Dec

[Sophia1]

.

@Owlunar

I have spoken to sister two weeks after my operation and explained to her that it was important for me to keep my family no matter how small...how different we are...

I also told her that my love did not come with conditions however I would not look back and have any discussions about the past...

She was very relieved and expressed her thanks and love....agreed that the three of us women are extremely strong minded...independent...strong willed....

Mother was told of this and informed my sister that she was pleased .....

It was after this period and before mother's day that I spoke to her nurse at the nursing home...who came back to me advising me that he had asked her to think about burying the hatchet...her  reply had been..."better to leave things as they are"..

so all of this has been about the chain of events...comments...reminders...special days...recognising and accepting my emotions as real and important...

I agree with you that the mindset of adults during that period was affected...Cruelty comes in many disguises and many extremes...

I do not justify my mother's behaviour ...I just try to put myself in her shoes and understand her better as the person she is...she does not give too much away...very defensive...of course not liking my wanting to know about her life...

thank you for the hugs...

I just had a very spiritual moment dec....I heard the voice of my soul furbaby calling me...now gone 28 months....

your kind thoughts might have come to me in a way not expected....

[outlander]

@Sophia1 ❣❣🌼🌼

[Former-Member]

Thinking of you @Sophia1 💜
Hoping you are recovering well and hoping the pain is easing. 🌼💐🌻🌺

[Sophia1]

Leaving these here for you

@outlander @Owlunar @Former-Member @Former-Member @Grasshopper3 @eudemonism @Adge @Zoe7  @greenpea @Determined @Mazarita @CheerBear @Shaz51 @Teej @Appleblossom @MDT @TheVorticon @Former-Member and anyone else who has already visited or is on their way 

[MDT]

I'll be sure to check it out when they upload @Sophia1

[Sophia1]

thanks @MDT

You might relate more to the last triangle..

hope that you have something happening this weekend that makes you smile

take care

[greenpea]

@Sophia1  Beautiful Sophia 1 thank you for the lovely flowers and the gorgeous kitty kat. Hoping you are doing okay today .... always in my thoughts Sophia1. I may not be very verbal when people are in trouble ... it is just that the pea gets overwhelmed and says nothing ... xxxxx