Living with Ourselves

[outlander]

They are beautiful pictures @Sophia1 and really unique markings on the cat too. 

Hows your day been?

[Zoe7]

Love the cat with the butterfly eyes @Sophia1 

[Grasshopper3]

@Sophia1So sorry to hear your mum has a few issues....

It feels to me you have learnt a lot from this relationship: you have learnt what NOT to do, and that is to stop communication. Your mum seems to have something she is struggling with, try not to make it your problem. She will start talking to you when she is ready, and in the meantime: you have US, lovely people here on the Forum, always ready for a chat and a willing ear. 

I sent you some flower too, in my mind.

Lots of love,

Grasshopper3

[Former-Member]

@Sophia1, thats horrible how your mum treats you. I don't understand it either.  My Bro4 has cut off his children (2 sons in their 20s) - how does a parent stop being a parent?  I believe they prefer to see him as dead, because of his MI - they say he's not the dad they knew, that dad is gone 😞  All very sad.  Sometimes i wonder i God has decided we're better off without them.  I hope you have SOMEONE inRealLife to call on. Be strong ❤ You've come this far 🙂 

[Sophia1]

hello @outlander

yesterday I had my pool session for exercises...lasting an hour..

.

One of the ladies is in her early eighties and has travelled solo over most of the world during her life...Her career was a teacher...Her humour matches mine....She has similar interests as well...she still lives on her farm...her husband passed away some time ago...she still has cows....So I shared my love of cows and how I talk to the ones next door...She understood immediately and so did the other lady...We talked about the different breeds....their personalities...this lady has some sort of confusion..memory impairment..

the other lady lives about 20 minutes away further into the country....she works two days a week at a community centre there..she told me all about the various groups etc that they have....they also have a market every second saturday of the month...so I thought I might drive there this saturday...if I am up to it...have a look around and then have a chat with a familiar face...this lady has a condition where she has no sound diagnosis as yet...they have looked at fibro myalgia and moly myalgia ...pain in joints and muscles...she spoke about her partner having depression as well  as his son...this lady's stepson ...I immediately felt for them all...Her 70th birthday is in two weeks and she wont be at the pool during that time...

when I was at the pool on monday I talked with a lady who lives about 15 minutes away in the other direction...closer to the wineries...she told me about an art group that meets in our town ...they take their own stuff but help each other...so when I am well enough I will check that out...this lady I believe has depression...she has brought up her grandson who still lives with her since he was eight months old...

so the pool is providing exercising of body...mind and mouth laugh...

as well as a guide of what is where in the town that I have lived in for eight years....

three ladies in their 70's and 80's are providing me with so much valuable information....this is because I am in a frame of mind where I am making discussion myself...they are listening and hearing...answering me whilst we all enjoy each other's company...

my younger son rang me last night and he has been getting over a cold virus....he has since sprained his wrist doing his weights...he has to start therapy and anti-inflammatories....He is still able to go to work which is good...I immeditately thought of you outlander...though I know yours is not just sprained...

I hope that you are feeling some relief...progress no matter how slow...sometimes slow is better as means more internal healing...therefore helping your overall mood.

[outlander]

Morning @Sophia1

Sounds like you  had a good pool session and really  good to hear you could relate to some too. Maybe youll see them at your pool sessions more often. Would make a good social thing as well as physio all in the one go 🙂 its really good to hear your able to connect and laugh and be in a state of mind your not so shut down. Very happy for you and proud tbst youve come this far ❤

I use  to go to the markets but even thought of going now starts to make me jittery. I want to get back there one day though. Theres often som really  cool things there even if i am just window shopping. We have quite a few markets around here some of them are farmers  markets and others  are a variety of different  stalls. Which sorts do you like to go to? 

Oh im sorry about tour aons injuties atm. Good he can still work hopefully they heal quickly and without too much pain. 

No things are really not going well at my end. Lots of dead ends and its really frustrating  and brings on lots of those hopeless emotions. I just work through those as they come up. My hand is still getting alot of nerve pain so will speak to hand specialist  on tuesday when i see her. Ive had to make a decision between being in pain and making  my stomach issues worse. Being stuck  between 2 rocks can be so hard.

How have you been sleeping and coping? Your sounding like your doing well however i dont like to assume things and would much hear how your doing from you.

  Oh have you picked  a scenic place  to travel to today? 

[Sophia1]

today I have chosen to post the words of Bob Dylan....an icon..

the album is "Planet Waves" 1974

The title of the song is Forever Young...

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Sophia1

Of course we want our mothers to love us - like the unconditional love I have for my daughter - she is the person I have life to - and now she is in her middle years I have long ago given her the life to live as she will and I don't interfer - it is her life and she is a busy person and I don't see her that much but I just love her

I would have liked that from my mother but there was something in me that stood against her - my sister was bent out of emotional shape being what my mother wanted and so during the last years of my mothers life I kept away and decided she had nothing to give me that I wanted - 

But when she died I really did grieve for her - the love I had not received was something I had wanted and there was no way in life or death that I could have it and I know myself that I would not have been the person she wanted - 

So after a hard time grieving I have thought it out and I prefer who I am and this thread is Living with Ourselves and so it's good to know that my determined living with who I am has made living my life more rewarding for myself - and my mother lost all that I am because she wanted something else

The time and love she lost in wanting something else - I rarely saw that woman happy all my life

So - I'm reading your post again - your Mum is refusing to see you or bury the hatchet - and this is tough - I have been there - but I don't get 

"We must accept our differences and keep family together" -

I understand accepting difference but about keeping the family together? I didn't have that happen in my family - my sister is my mother's clone and they were close but I was happier without either of them and my sister wanted to have our parents to herself and that's what she got - but I know I was happier without them and they were certainly happier without me

I missed myh father for a long time too - I understand the sorrow but I wonder about our role in keeping the family together - I own I have different thoughts and I could be wrong

But yes - how does parental love disappear? I have wondered about that a lot - what did I do to deserve that - what does anyone do? - I have read other posts here.

I wrote a short story called The Stupid Chicken - it's about the Ugly Duckling's mother - my mother had no idea what she had in her nest and it gave her a really hard time. I have thought and thought and if parental love fails it is not the fault of the child - it is failure in the parent - and still really hard to bear - I do so understand that

Like you I will never be controlled by another human being but I think I was born that way - still - it is hard to endure - it is heart-breaking. I felt hurt by my mother too but I like myself a lot better for standing up to her controlling and manipulating manner.

It's really hard though - and the failure of parental love - wow - I loved my son with all his faults and MI until he died - I never abandoned him in spite of his BPD - and that was hard - 

Be yourself Sophia - I will stand with you - we do not always turn out to be what our parents want but we have to live our own lives - not theirs

And Queen Victoria had 9 children and didn't get on with any of them - she was a domestic tyrant - but her kids all lived their own lives - esp her daughters

Dec

Join the swans Lapses

[Sophia1]

@Owlunar

thank you for taking the time to write your response in such depth....sharing your perspective...your own sorrow...along with your unique way of dealing with 'parental judgement"..

The tears are flowing crazily...

Today my mum is 92....my sister will be with her sharing their mother daughter time....I am banished...

Why are my feelings so intense....?

I am a mother too....my "family member" is absent also....

I have lost my "family member" and to be perfectly honest hold grave fears for his recovery...his life expectancy..

I have lost about 6 people known to me in my life through suicide...not family members though..

I do not believe it is the right of anyone to judge a person for taking their own life....I feel that it is a state of mind reached beyond our imaginations...where there is no turning back....I feel only compassion for those people..

I feel great compassion and empathy for friends...families...acquaintances...those connected...

my words cannot even touch the emotion inside of you @Owlunar...I can only let you know that I will never judge...I will be with you in the outer space that is yours where you allow others to come at such fragile moments...

I am grieving today not only the loss of mother daughter relationship...the loss of mother son relationship...the loss of grandmother grandson relationship...

I read another post about depression....

no words can describe depression....it is an insidious illness that encroaches without respect...it completely swallows the mind of the sufferer...leaving nothing...nothingness is what is left..

it is now lurking....

I am aware of it....

so I am letting the tears flow....depression does not like that...depression wants the emotions to be buried...deeper and deeper after every moment of sadness...trauma...feelings of grief...depression lurks...

[Owlunar]

Hi @Sophia1

Thanks for the care and thought in your answer too - I will gladly share that outer space where people are welcome in their fragile moments for I know them well

I did not know that depressions did not like tears - it is an interesting thoughts - I can see depression as personified - digging holes to bury the thoughts we need to express and accept and get them out of our souls - I don't like crying at all - but I felt it was really useless and gave my sinuses are hard time - I was likely to get a migraine - it's an interesting thought that our depression can stand ourside us and dig us a grave - it is a long time since I was seriously depressed and reactive depression might be different but still - if I could do clipart I would like to do a pic of that

The death of my son can still be devastating - but unknowingly people do touch it with their gentleness - you have - I know he is better off wherever he is now - he was scatter-brained and although he intended to do what he did I don't think he had any idea of the permanent nature of what he did - I have been able to forgive him for that

In fact - I have forgiven my mother for all she did and didn't do - and my sister - but not for their sake - for my own - I do not want to carry their nastiness around with me for the rest of my life which can't last forever - they chose what they did and I think encouraged each other - we do need to accept that as you said - but as for ourselves - we have our own path - maybe our fate was written before our birth - or maybe we can re-write if we chose.

I understand you are grieving your mother/daughter relationship and your sister/sister relationship along with that - and your mother/son and grandmother/grandson relationships also and that is a lot - 

My son was often a missing person so I know that is a really bad place to be in - not knowing if they are alive or dead - my cousin was a missing person before he died too so we don't know the real date he died - that was a suicide too - one coming up in a couple of weeks and I don't understand that one - but yes - it was his choice

Accepting that people who commit suicide have made their choice eases our minds too - they had the choice and it was not our fault - it was easier for me when I realised that - and it was a separate deal for both of them

I understand how hard this is for you - in the outer space where I do my thinking and write about my insight - there is plenty of room for acceptance - there is no judgment here - perhaps a place for the struggle we have coming to a place of understanding - the journey is never easy - and just as we make our own way through life others make theirs and it can be a choice not to be agreeable

My mother - I saw her just before she died and I saw a woman unable to speak or hear who had terrible regrets - I don't think she ever had the chance to sort things out with anyone else - when she tried to talk to me after Dad died she got caught in a rut and could only say the same thing over and over again without being able to hear - whether that was her nature or her deafness I don't know

My thoughts are with you - one thing I can assure you is that as the years pass and we become "old ladies" the suffering of life has a different nature - yes - there are times when the tears will flow - the pain will be there - but there is something else hard to explain - and I wish I could share this - trying to is my gift - 

Sending my love

Dec