SANE Online Forums
Saving Lives. Crisis Support. Suicide Prevention.
@Sophia1 hope the virus has receded, giving you a chance for your other restorative surgery.
I walked on egg shells yesterday, but the evening turned good.
Get WELL SOON.
It all makes complete sense @Sophia1 and is so great that you feel comfortable enough to write and release some of what is going on for you on here.
I understand your pain at not having the strength because of your back to do any of the garden - that is one thing I have been missing doing myself - there is so much that needs to be done but having a bad bad certainly stops that from hapening. The cold weather certainly doesn't help in that regard either - even with my back improving slowly the freezing weather is stopping me doing even the smallest amount - frustrating!
I hope you get over this virus you have quickly and can have the procedure you need soon - that would be adding to your own frustrations and making you feel down as well - having a physical illness(es) certainly affect our mental state as well 
@Sophia1 wrote:
I feel as though I sound like Mrs Moaning Minnie....
I am normally a bubbly..positive friendly type of person...
so am loathing myself even more at the moment...
all of this is about what has been happening in real life and what has been coming up to the surface in therapy...
acceptance..acknowledgement...dismissal all huge implications...factors in my growing up...
I just want you all to know that I write the words on here to release....much of this stuff has been buried for so long and the time has come where I must not only release...acknowledge....allow...learn to understand...be at peace with it...
most of all accept myself and stop this negative self loathing that is old patterned thinking...
no matter if none of this makes sense...it does to me...
I understand @Sophia1 - I feel as if I am whinging when I talk about the down-side of my life - and two things spring to mind
You don't sound like Mrs Moaning Millie - whoever she is -
And we are here to release our feelings - some seem to do it better than others - I am learning how to write and be as honest as I am comfortable with - this is why we are here
This is a fantastic community - it's safe and we can be as honest as we feel okay about - and I would encourage you to continue - actually - you are helping me to come out from my privacy and WASPy place and sharing some relevant truth myself - for this I thank you
And I understand about your back stopping you from doing stuff - eg walking - I have the same stuff and I need to get out and walk more but the cold weather lately has kinda made me stay home though I try and get out each day - it's really hard
And your garden - personally I have a brown elbow and now my small garden is pretty well established with the assistance of my daughter who has magic green fingers - but so much of what I try dies - and I do so love the cacti and succulents I keep on my kitchen window sill but they tend to die from either not watering enough of over-watering - botheration - I am a gifted person but not in that area - as you say - deflating
It's frustrating when we have to face life changes - and now your on-going tests have to be delayed because the Dreaded Lurgie has a prior advantage in your life - I get it - when I am having something done I get anxious - as much as I dread what is happening I want it over - even little sores can make a hospital itchy about operating
I hope it can go ahead for you though
And you have down-sized and made a new start in the country - I like the idea - and your story about a cow possibly calving made me think you were in the country - I grew up in a semi-rural area - it was incredibly interesting - a lot of my best stories come from that time
You are okay - you have joined us because of emotional discomfort of some kind and the expression "mental illness" doesn't sit well with me but I am learning that depression (in the deep past for me) and anxiety (ongoing for me) are considered mental illness I guess I have something wrong in that department
However - I consider pretty much that many things can pass with help or be treated - we can "get better" - some conditions are harder to deal with but I also feel there is hope. Most people seem to be constantly and consistently working toward "okay" - even "well" maybe even "cured" - I hope so - I hope that's my path
So feel okay about sharing - people may feel as if they are whinging Mrs Millie - I know I do when I open up about something - but you definitely post well - and I like what you write and like sharing
Often days work out better than they start
Thank you @Zoe7
yes human backs are the trunks of trees.....
the weather....burdens....catastrophies can all have their toll...
I am determined to not let this beat me...
So I have given myself a name....in a way of lightening up
Mrs moaning Millie comes from my mind.....it probably relates to some old english quotation...my mother,,grandmother whom I only met a few times when very young..loved her dearly...both used quotations and superstitions...my father quotations...a different style..content..
Wow to your response @Owlunar...
I feel honoured that I have helped you release some of your emotions....you are the one who has done the hard work and shown the courage...
Thank you for reminding me of what I say to others...
The fact that I can give something to a few people on these forums gives me great comfort....
I love conversing with you also...
lately have not had the flowing of words come quickly enough
I do not refer to myself as mentally ill....For me that term represents the past....misconceptions...ignorance..
no offence to anyone who uses this term though...
For me I believe that I do not need to be cured...I have been in and out of bouts of depression...anxiety...trauma....diagnosed with labels for the purpose of reporting...recording...medicating...
so I am mrs moaning millie who is working very hard at keeping the hideous depression at bay.....gradually coming to terms with past traumas gently and working on being kind and caring to myself when anxiety grips too tightly...
I think that you have come a long way in the time from when I first met you....I was under a different user name...no matter if you do not remember who...
we have not moved out of the property yet...
have a new contract on it...cash buyer ....so no waitkng for another property to sell again...just waiting for cooling off period..
then the fun begins settlement date 3 weeks tomorrow...
we have to find somewhere to rent whilst we build our new place which will be smaller and on a far more reasonable size block of land....
your trip is coming closer....exciting times 
Hello @Sophia1
I wonder if a lot of what has bothered you is gender conditioning to give up needs in favour of others.
I heard the phrase "walking on egg shells" decades after I learned to do it too. My mother trained me heavily in giving sympathy and support to others when I first came home from the orphanages at 8. We were in the Legion of Mary, so yes catholic in a poor part of town ie slum boarding houses. Now I realise it was partly to distract from our circumstances and my experiences and probably her guilt. There was never interest in my experience, I had to be nice to people we met. I listened to the lady with arthritis and the poor drunk if mother indicated I should pay attention. It was subtle. I did not realise how innapropriate it was by other people's standards (eg my husband's well to do family), I was so enthusiastic about being returned to my family. I endured 2 attempted rapes before I was 10, after what happened in the orphanages but no where to go with my pain or needs as mother wanted me to help her get the other children back from state care. From my return to my mother I never had a bed to sleep in but shared. Apparently I dont have normal boundaries about "sharing".
So we both know what it is to walk on eggshells and to be supportive, but all people have pain and one's own experience of pain is the strongest we will ever know, even if we are empathic, we see other's through our own lens of experience. At times I have felt anger about my neglect, abuse and sense of invisibility, but there has been no point to express it as everyone is overwhelmed by their own concerns.
Even at 10 I saw people struggle, so I do know other people are stretched. We kept moving so nobody noticed us, but I noticed a lot. I did not think my parents different from all the other struggling adults I saw. So self reliance became essential, but I was never really selfish, I was so glad I had my parents back. There is a big difference.
@Sophia1 Your arrival on the forum meant a lot to me, despite many differences in our life circumstances, because of your championing of the concept of Sophia.
Hope you appointment went to plan.