Living with Ourselves

[eudemonism]

@Sophia1 I'm happy for you... I can sense joy, contentment and elation in your words (there I go expanding my vocabulary again) I hope it was the most appropriate word)

Can't go wrong with a nice pub meal... Eude speak soon...

[Owlunar]

It would be very hard for you not to take it personally @Adge and to me it often seems that people take you for granted and take advantage of your gentle nature

In one way this works for you - you really care about people - but on the other hand other people's disrespect really hurts and this is natural

No one likes to be taken for granted - it's a rotten thing most of us are guilty of at some times but still - and it hurts anyone but for you - you are more sensitive than most people

Have you ever thought about getting into some Assertiveness Training - I have done this in the past and it was very helpful

Such training helps us to distinguish whose problem certain behaviours are - and it's not an easy thing to do - but worth it

You can do without people treating you in such an off-hand manner - I know you have talked about how this has bother and hurt you in the past and I understand - you deserve better

Dec

I'm sorry this happens Adge

[Sophia1]

good morning @eudemonism@Owlunar @Adge@Maggie@Zoe7@Shaz51 @Former-Member @outlander

Thank you Eude...It was lovely to go out for the meal and feel quite carefree momentarily....I do like the way you express yourself....how are Mister and Purrpurr?

Dec thought you would like the stars image....Thank you for pointing out the the bright light is Mars...I shall let husband know..we had been seeing it for some time and yes now is brighter...we thought must be a satellite...

Adge...yes it is hard not to take personally a friend cancellation when we are sensitive and not bursting with energy...had many letdowns..dismissed by others...

I used to tell myself that being so sensitive meant that there was something wrong with me for many years...Now in a world where more is available on unwell minds...I know that the exact opposite is the case...

In fact my psychotherapist told me that he wished there were more people like me in this world....

Trust me I dissected his comment and over analysed it from tone of voice...context said in...response to?  came up everytime with genuinely sincere...I have now finally allowed myself to accept a compliment...

of course if all of this had been said about another I would  have been the first to reassure them that they have a beautiful heart...

self-judgement is our enemy....

Assertive training can be of help....I have done many courses over the years throughout my career....

I have always wanted to do a public speaking course....I think that would give me the best outcome...

procrastination...life trauma...family trauma...all have held me back....in writing this I now know ...I am holding myself back...

I am a very assertive person though...

For me I need to come to terms with myself still...working through my negative past thinking pattern which comes to the fore.. without my realising...at a time when change comes about that I do not like...

So I also need to continue to work with accepting change....as another aspect of life in general...not as something personally happening to set me back...

Lastly it is very hard to do all of this when we are in physical pain as well....the merrygoround continues swirling ever faster...

I now realise there is no hurry...as long as I am open to change...

I hope that helps Adge....others who are interested...

it certainly helped me writing about it...a start..

Having one good day thrown in amongst the other days is elating....

as we can see a new flower emerge in amongst the weeds.....change.,...a new season is on the horizon...

yesterday was a bad..emotional day for me...thoughts and memories...fears...about my "family member"...I needed to let the feelings flow....the tears flow....cancelled my pool session....a day of being gentle with myself...

I have a friend coming for lunch today...I met her at the first group meeting that I went to earlier this year....We got along well and I contacted her...She has her own hands full with her life and family....has her own life experience with self and family members with unwell minds. 

Madly have to tidy up the place and hoover etc....then I will make the lunch...

today am feeling vulnerable...pushing through this feeling though...trying so very hard to stop myself from postponing lunch for my friend....this is what I have done over my life...lost friends...

Hope that you are all finding something to make you smile in your day and offering your smile to others if you are able...

speak soon

Sophia

[Zoe7]

Try to push through those negative feelings @Sophia1 and keep the lunch date with your friend - it is these small (but significant) things thst help to sustain us both mentlly and physically. It is often a big deal for a lot of us here to do what others may seem as easy - like a simple lunch - but when we are feeling more vulnerable it is a massive effort - but n effort that is worthwhile Hon.

Sorry you had to cancel your pool session yesterday - I know you get as much out of those sessions as I do and even though the healing is very slow it is happening.

As for change - I do not do change at all well. There are some things that are inevitable - the seasons being one of those - but when it comes to changes in my life I find it very difficult. I know where this all comes from but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with in the first instance when it happens - people leaving or moving on is a major issue for me but like most losses I go through the grieving process (maybe a little more than most people). I am coming to acceot that that is how it will be for me and learning to live with it a little easier in that regard.

[Sophia1]

Thank you @Zoe7

People leaving has always been a major part of my unwell mind...

another part of dismissal...abandonment...

I think that there are far more people on here with these very same issues...

loss comes in many ways...grief inevitable....

when added onto piles that we already have...buried...not grieve...can feel insurmountable on some days...without us knowing why..

You are definitely not alone with those feelings...many just are not ready to acknowledge or even be aware...

take care

[Zoe7]

As a result of the loss of my grandfather I competely shut down and that has continued with loss for some time @Sophia1 It is my default position so I don't completely break-down - neither of which are preferable - so learning to deal with loss is still an ongoing thing for me.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Sophia1

I love those pictures of the night sky you put up - they are wonderful

Yes - Mars is fantastic this year and I have been watching it for ages now - it follows Jupiter, Antares and Saturn across the sky and they are all diminished while Mars has his moment of glory in the sky - at first I thought it was Saturn and puzzled myself as to why it is so bright but then it was obvious

I know people are in a hurry to get to Mars - personally I think that the project is worse than out of this world - imagine the cost and risk of getting some people there - I am sure the resources would be better spent reducing the world popuation growth

And this is someone who wanted to go to the moon when I was a child and as I write this it could be a good article to write - going to the moon was exciting back in the 60s and 70s and then it all fizzled and stopped. I had the day off to watch the moon landing and it seemed to take all day - what on earth - sorry - what on the moon were they thinking off - but still - Mars is brilliant this year and then it will be gone for a year - too far away for us to see and when it returns it will be dusty and distant again

Anyway - assertiveness training - I used to be a rather angry person at times - doing assertiveness helped me to see things in a more balanced way. One of my problems from childhood was my mother and her domineering attitude - I would say I didn't like something - eg cauliflour or pastry - and she told me I did like them and to eat what was on my plate and I had to yell that I hated them - HATED THEM - and she didn't seem to hear - and I would be angry and confused. This is only one thing about her but she tried to deny me my likes and dislikes and I needed to know I had to right to them - and in learning my own rights etc I learned other people could have their choices too

My assertiveness training was joined by learned Tough Love which is very much linked to Assertiveness - it was years of working on whose problem is it?

I'm getting off track - I am a sensitive person too under all the agression I had - and when it comes to a world of unwell minds I know I never thought in terms of mental illness - I did not see depression and anxiety as mental illness - rather as emotional discomfort and it surely is uncomfortable to have depression and anxiety. I got over the depression but I can be harrassed by my own anxiety at times

But there is no need to measure such things

I hope you can get past your negative feelings this morning and have lunch with your friend - something I find difficult myself so I get it - but it is important

Have a good time with your friend - both of you deserve it

Dec

[Sophia1]

Hello @Zoe7

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your grandfather who clearly meant so much to you....

Ongoing of loss is inevitable in life sadly...

Your coping mechanism is not ideal as you say....it is what works for you at the moment though..

I think learning to deal with loss is an ongoing lesson for the whole of our lives...

I have lost many people now....my dad of course being a great loss...

my  family member missing and even though hearing from him not knowing where he is...unable to visit....see...hug...hold...

this is a loss that is unimaginable...the loss of a child is haunting and much more...

Supporting others is of help I find....

You support others too and I hope that you feel some ease of your pain by helping others...

There are no other words....an empty feeling isn't it...

take care Zoe  

[Sophia1]

Hello @Owlunar

You have mentioned several things that I would like to respond to...

I am tired and aching at the moment...

I need to get out of the office....off the computer..

I will spend some time responding to you therefore will write later...

take care

[Zoe7]

I lost my grandmother before my grandfather but she was very ill and it was expected @Sophia1 It doesn't make it easier to mourn the loss but I knew I had nothing unsaid to her - my grandfather on the other hand was very sudden and very unexpected ...it was only 4 months after my grandmother passed away so that was still pretty raw. I found my grandfather and that day will always haunt me - trying to revive someone you know is not coming back is heartwrenching. 

As with most people there have been other significant losses in my life - I know after my grandfather I did learn to shut down to avoid that intense pain ...and I still do it know - and no it is nowhere near ideal. Even the loss here of NIkNik leaving the forum has been nearly unbearable for me to deal with - again ...shutdown my emotions rather than dealing with it - so I understand loss ...don't have a healthy way to deal with it but it is what works for me at the moment.

Thank you for understanding and for your kind words ...sharing some of this does help...and although I have shared some of this before it really does not ever get any easier to think back over past (and present) losses.