I want to change my name in real life

[Mazarita]

Hi @MoonGal, love what you are doing in the planning stages of this. Happy to distract myself from housework while I listen to a new album and answer your questionnaire. Thanks for thinking of me

QUESTIONS (about the possible design at https://cdn.jevelin.shufflehound.com/blog1/)

1. Are you browsing on a

b) desktop*

* I mostly access the internet by desktop and almost always reply from a desktop.

2. If you landed at my page and were presented with the masonry grid (the layout) of various topics (all with an illustration) would you be inclined to explore via

a) the grid posts themselves*

* but the longer I spend on the site the more I am drawn to the top links. I might eventually want to explore that way too, to get chronology of content.

3) If the various subjects had content that was potentially triggering to survivors of abuse or violence would you

b) if the topics are well signposted by tags (one of which could be the words 'content warning') would that suffice? *

* However it might be worth considering the possibility of people under the age of 18 years reading posts like that, even possibly for legal reasons? Perhaps Nik might give you advice on this?

4) Anything else about this page layout that shakes your chakras or leaves you cold? with my project in mind:

I like the simplicity of the page, focusses on content. I would like to see the banner image changed. I assume you will do that. I enjoyed browsing quickly over the big boxes. I was drawn to the video (being me). Then the larger striking images. I like it a lot as is. If I spent longer at that site (and it had your content), I'd probably explore the site by top menu links next, and then maybe by tags. When I repeatedly visit sites, I like to click tags at some point. But the main focus on the big boxes is great, and creative and kind of lateral as an invitation to explore the site. Starting to write an essay here but you have put so much thought into it and planned it out so well, there's more to say in response. Mainly that I like your span of content areas. It seems like it's going to be an amazing site!

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Mazarita & @MoonGal

I like the name MoonGal too. 

[MoonGal]

Hi there @PeppiPatty - thanks for the vote on the name MoonGal. 🙂

[MoonGal]

Ahhhhhhhhhh. When in doubt do nothing. When in doubt wait and see...

I am conflicted. I have my new website ready to add a content management system/theme - I have thought through what I want to publish on it. 

Yet, I have collywobbles in the stomach because I am not SURE I want to go public with the deep dark underbelly that I thought just a few days ago would be a GREAT idea.

You see, I am potentially identifiable via the stories, and if I start, will I just feel exposed and a bunny-in-the-headlights?

I am trying to think of what questions to ask myself to help myself through the impasse.

Q. Do you want to help others by sharing your story/stories about MI and life struggles?

A. yes.

Q. IS ther eany guarantee that you will help others?

A. No. Maybe no will visit the site, or if they do find the content matter repellant. 😞

Q. Would it matter to you that friends and acquaintances may identify your real identity by the content (in fact you are likely to share the content with them so they WILL know more about you that has been private until now).

A. Yes, it matters because although SOME very few of my friends know I live with Anxiety and depression (an 'acceptable" MI that many identify with), they do not know I live with OCD, Bi Polar and PTSD) You know full metal jacket nuts.

Q. If you disclose these things and keep publishing elsewhere also using the psuedonym -  parts of your story that link directly back to the real me (in particular my and my wife/partner's Africa travel) and then these friends see that you talk about being a survivor of emotional neglect, child sexual abuse, alcholism, bi polarity etc would you feel exposed and at risk.

A. YES! I would worry that my friends would shut down and blank me so as not to have to deal with it.

Q. IS the premise of the site as mentioned above the real reason you want to publish - do you REALLY want to promote shamelessness and peaceful living, ways to come into the present (mindfulness basics) and stand strong with the #metoo movement?

A. YES! this is the quandry - I am deciding whether I am 100% commeitted to the project - and whether self- disclosure is an effective tool in regards creating identification for others, the old AA saying about 'What it was like, what happened and what it is like now"

So.... I do not know what to do. Really. 😞 

[Teej]

Hiya @MoonGal,

I just wanted to say a couple of things which may not be helpful but are just thoughts that came to mind reading your post 

1) is there any reason not to have two psuedonyms, one for your 'story/history' and one for other work you want to publish. They could be separate entities. Personally I don’t have an issue with trying to compartmentalise parts of you but I can understand that maybe that’s not how you want to be either and that just having one psuedonym shows the whole of you. 

2) I think the thing that stuck out for me is that most people who know moongal won’t change their love and affection for you as the same person. Disclosing doesn’t change who you are unless you suddenly behave differently to everyone than you have in the past. Anyone who is already very fond of you SHOULDNT change their relationship with you because of disclosure. I’m guessing from the parts I know about you most your associates and friends would be open minded people too. I think it might be a bit tricky in the beginning as many people won’t know what to say as it’s out of their comfort zone but I doubt very much they will not want to be your friend because of it. There will just be an adjustment period. This is where you could teach people about what’s helpful to say and reassure them you are still the same moongal that you’ve always been, just more exposed. I think if you are strong enough to deal will the beginning part of people knowing and them being ignorant (requiring lots of help to understand) your relationships will strengthen for the most part. I think we are all scared of what we don’t know but when people teach us in a gentle caring way we become better people and not so scared of the unknown. I think mental illnesses are really just the unknown to most.

 In my experiences the people in my life have still accepted me for being me. The ones who’ve asked questions and want to know more have become closer than before. It won’t happen with all but it has happened to me with most. It’s been my headspace that’s been the tricky part of me reconnecting, for me not feeling good enough or feeling shame for things (my situation is very different to yours though, different mi different circumstances). In my limited experiences being vulnerable when I have had lead to deeper connection with some. I’ve only had one person walk out of my life so I’ve been very lucky. 

Sorry for my ramble. Your post struck a chord with me. Best of luck with your decision. 

[MoonGal]

Hey @Teej, thank you so much for your response. No need to apologise for 'the ramble' it was ALL pertinent and helpful. 

You know, it is true I disclosed all of it to a close friend and she said "You are just MoonGal to me, nothing has changed."

But I did have a bad experience that has had lasting repercussions when I was SO stressed about my mother and doing it tough trying to get her into care etc, I told some very good friends of hers - and they now treat me like a freak and talk down to me and question my decisions about my Mum's care etc in a way they would NOT have if I had not disclosed. (That is THEIR shame I know, but still it hurts, I have known them all my life! "Good Christians" haha. 

SO back to the churning about what is this about, why am I anxious or fearful about it?"

I think that once the genie is out of the bottle you cannot put it back. 🙂   So maybe I can just do it and cross any bridges when I come to them. The Trolls Under the Bridge don't actually scare me, I have superpowers ;-). Imagine that, I do have superpowers. Truth, honesty, kindness, fearlessness in battle (or feel the fear and do it anyway).

since writing what I did above that you replied to....

I have written a piece about IDENTITY - and I think I have come to the crux of the matter for me. I worked VERY hard to bring all the parts of me together, particularly in 2016/17. I knew organically that if I was to stand whole I needed to embrace my past and wrestle the shadow and swallow it whole. (Later, like an owl coughing up pellets of bone, skin and fur... I threw away all the parts that had haunted me, or rather that kept coming back and interfering in my calm present or made me sick.) but I WANT to say THIS IS ME! I WANT t to be brave and shameless about it.

And the website will be an opportunity to share what living with mental ill health is like but also what it is NOT like too, I am NOT my 'labels' but I am all my identities and the MI's are part of that.

SO, I see from what you say that maybe I could have two pseudonyms, and that is a consideration, but, after considering what is identity and what "parts" of me contribute to my story and 'uncovery' and healing it has to be ALL of me.

And as you have so beautifully put it - when I share my story people who care will not change their minds about me, and may be educated or interested. When I do disclose parts of my story they usually say that is amazing, or tragic or sad, or get angry on my behalf but all say -  you are a resilient person.  And thank me for trusting them.

Just with a website I am trusting the whole world and not the whole world is trustworthy, but maybe, all I need to say to those people (the imaginary haters and the imaginary people's reactions that are not on-my-side) is 'F*ck 'em"! And ride off on my unicorn! 🙂 

 I LOVE this forum, thank you for your time and care @Teej

[MoonGal]

Here I am again.

What is it like to live with bipolar disorder? Sheesh! It is just like this.

I have been beavering away on my new website every day, creating a colourful, interesting "place". Now I have added content. Two poems on lived experience -  one on Bipolar, one I wrote yesterday on PTSD nightmares. I have written an opinion piece on Identity - claiming ALL of myself 'Bundled'. Yet I woke up this morning on the cusp of crashing, feeling anxious and worried. I have not even published the page yet, no one can see it but ME.

So what is the problem? I thought I had sorted out being "OUT" about my mental ill health, The page is under a psuedonym, and in a hypo I also bought the domain name for my real name too. I have booked into a masterclass in Melbourne in a few months time, Mrs Moongal (our breadwinner) was encouraging and said 'Go for it!" I  bought air tickets and accommodation... all focused on writing, on being a better writer.

Am I doing the right (write!) thing? If I publish the site... I am out there, under a different name, granted but sooner or later I will be known. If I do share the laundry list of MI (and disability) will that just crash my reputation before I started? Or is being OUT at my age, stage and goals the right thing to do?

I talk to Mrs Moongal about it and she says "No one knows it is you". But they will. It is inevitable that it will point back at the real me at some point in time. I have done this in a low-hypo, but a hypo none the less. Maybe today is just a crash. I went from having fun to anxious again, living with bipolar is hard bloody work!

[MoonGal]

😏 Well, I wrote this on a social network...
"Why is it the moment I start enjoying a project I conceived my self- hatred rises?" 

and a good friend replied

"Stop that. Be kind to the child that got hurt and encourage her. Keep going." 

So I did, and I am....

[MoonGal]

Feel the fear and do it anyway.
I am published. MI identification and all!

Fear and excitement feels the same.
I worked through the fear.

 @Mazarita @Teej @Shaz51 @Owlunar @PeppiPattyThank you for being a core team to help me through this torturous process. I am solid now.

 I wrote this morning...

RISKY BUSINESS
On self-publishing and self-hatred.

Fear rising, niggled guts.
Wake in fright.
All unknowing what is churning me.
Creating a website, central casting ME!
Putting all of mySelf out there.
Broken bits and all.

Inner voices start their whispers "stupid girl who will read it?" conversely "For shame! The whole world will see".

Tortured thinking. 

Hours later, death seemed the best option to me.

"Just delete it!" 
"But I spent all that money on domain and website fees!"

Seems an overreaction to what is frightening me. 

I put my fear and self hatred out there... 

And then a friend... said "Stop that. Be kind to the child that got hurt and encourage her. Keep going"

And I knew that the whispers, then screams then demands to die or delete were just my vulnerability, she is about 10 years old and scared of everything I try to do, she is the anxious bunny, she is the one who will sabotage and runaway. So I took her to by the hand and gently led her forward, asking "what shall I do to make this safe for you?" She told me what to do, I changed the piece "Bundled | On identity" on the website where I had claimed shamelessly all of me, she, my little fierce protector looked it over and smiled and said 'Let's Go!"

The process of creation flays me alive.
Exposes my vulnerabilities. Fear and excitement feel the same.

I am LIVE. I am alive. I love me.

[Teej]

Well done @MoonGal. That is a huge achievement. I couldn’t help but read your above post with a smile of warmth and pride....at all of it. I loved how you were able to take your vulnerable child by the hand and comfort her and give her strength. 

I kept thinking about you and this after my last conversation with you. I’m not sure if you know of Brene brown or Elizabeth Gilbert but they’ve both had advice about publishing vulnerable things about yourself. I can’t remember exactly but I think brene who publishes lots of personal experiences (not as traumatic as what you are but vulnerable none the less) talked about publishing only the stuff that you’ve 'rumbled' with (her term for really having worked through something and found peace with). 

I wish you all the best and hope that this chapter of your life is fulfilling??? (Couldn’t think of the word I was looking for :face_with_rolling_eyes:) but I kind of mean gives you what you need from it. I massively hope that is true acceptance of all of moongal and nothing but loving support. 💜🤗