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I want to change my name in real life

MoonGal
Senior Contributor

I want to change my name in real life

I had an amazing day last week when I went to a day class for writers. I learned a lot and came away buzzing with all sorts of ideas for writing projects. I want to create a site that has my writing on it, instalments of a book I am writing and poetry, short pieces about childhood and mental illness advocacy.

But, I think I need to change my real name and do it all under a pseudonym for safety's sake and to protect the family (although they don't "deserve" protection, but I couldn;t do it to them or risk rebuttal saying I made it all up or something. I am nervous about that I have chosen a name but I am worried people will laugh at it. Or that it is just a flight of crazy-fancy and not 'real'.

I am so socially isolated, I do not have anyone to ask their opinion about it. I have not spoken to my partner about it, because I am worried she will laugh about the actual name I have chosen, And even if I did I wonder if they said - well its a bit "naff" whether I would stand up for myself or abandoned EVERYTHING, not just the name. I am a good one for throwing the baby out with the bath water!

Ah, dear, I dunno. I changed my name in a hypomania back in the 90's to something else and it worked for a while, I changed it at work and everything so everyone called me by that name, but then I slid back to my 'real name' the one my adoptive parents bestowed on me because it was too hard and I went crazy when I met my birthmother and she insisted on calling me by the name she had given me on my birth certificate, wow I had three names! So I just snapped shut and said I am now THIS NAME and no one is allowed to call me anything else.

This new name keeps my first name but changes my last name - writers use a non de plume or pseudonym all the time, but I am worried about it and don't know whether to go for it! Create the website under that name and fake it till I make it that I am a writer, commentator and advocate. 

A wise psychiatrist once told me "if unsure do nothing". And I am sitting with that right now, but I also want to leap ahead with this project, but cannot use my real name either because I am in midst of an insurance claim. What kind of questions should I be asking myself as to whether this is a good idea, and the name I have chosen is a good one that I will be happy to live with for the rest of my writing life?

eeeep!

52 REPLIES 52

Re: I want to change my name in real life

Hi @MoonGal

 

I am delighted you want to change your name - I think it really great, fantastic - whatever word you like

 

I changed my name by deed poll when I finally separated from my ex-husband - I kept the name I was baptized with for short but changed that actual name - and picked new names for my second name and my surname is a family name - not the one was was born with

 

No way could I go back to having the name I grew up with - I am an entirely different person

 

Like you though I have written and been published under a pseudonym - I don't want my family to read what I think about things in the past - and I can't see anything wrong with that

 

As for wondering what other people will think of a new name you pick - ah sheesh - there are people who have terrible names and I cannot but wonder why they keep them - if you choose a name there's a chance no one will like it but you will - one person will be entirely happy

 

My family was unhappy with the name I choose but I was REALLY unhappy with the name they spent 9 months choosing for me - I hated it with a passion - to this day I cannot understand loving parents giving a child such a name - I sometimes feel that wanted to hate me and chose a great way to show it but that's just a feeling

 

Go for it Moongal - pick a name you love and change it by deed poll and you will be given a whole new birth certificate

 

I will be interested in how this goes for you

 

Dec

Re: I want to change my name in real life

Hi @Owlunar - thank you for your prompt and encouraging reply and sharing your story.

Did you change your name by deed poll and use that as a pseudonym OR is the writing pseudonym something different again?

I am unsure if what I am proposing is just to use a pseudonym for my website and writing OR whether I am wanting to go the whole hog and change my name by deed poll and then use that (as my new real name) on my books and web and in real life too. Because If i do change it legally then it is no longer a pseudonym is it? It's me! And my family will eventually know.

 

No, I am sure I am only talking about changing my real name now to a pseudonym for use online and as my author name...  but then I will get "known" as that anyway. mmmm.
I have written this question to a couple of friends to see what they think too - I am not SO socially isolated I don;t know anyone to talk to about it, but am nervous about getting the 'wrong' answer!

 

Thank you so much for your experience with this. xx

Re: I want to change my name in real life

Hi @MoonGal@Owlunar,

Wow, didn't know others here had changed their name too. I did it legally in 1990 and have lived with the new name since then. I did it when I was suicidal. I had this (perhaps slightly crazy) brainwave that if I changed my name, that would be like 'laying to rest' my old self that I wanted to harm, and give myself a new name to go forward with. And it worked, here I am still, and glad to be here, almost thirty years on.

It's a big decision though and one I didn't think through very well. I changed both parts of my name, but not much. My first name now is a diminution of my first name at birth. And my surname is similar to but not the same as my old name. It weirded out my parents, not surprisingly, though they didn't say much about it. Mum still calls me by my old first name though, and I'm okay with that. Dad I think just stopped calling me by ANY first name, or just used nicknames, anything to avoid his awkwardness about it. I understand both of their reactions.

Also, I chose a surname that has a meaning I didn't intend, which is not that complimentary. Didn't know the word meant what it did when I chose it. So that's a bit of silly aspect of it.

People, perhaps aside from family, do eventually used to calling you by a new name, though it can take a while.

The other odd similarity in my case with you, @MoonGal, is that I chose a name I'd already written in a (still incomplete) short story I was writing at the time.

At this point in time, I suppose I feel a little bit silly that I changed my name. Sometimes I have wanted to go back to my old name, to reclaim my 'whole' self, if you know what I mean. But I've lived for too long with this new one now and it's actually recorded on my birth certificate too. So legally, I'd have to go through the whole process again. In my case, because of state laws, it took over a year to legally change it.

In your case, @MoonGal, it really seems to me that a pseudonym is the way to go with your website. I have also had artistic pseudonyms (more than one) and these have felt a lot different to changing my name legally. For one they are much more 'erasable' if you later don't like what you've done. I am somewhat 'known' on the public net by one of my pseudonyms, and this is fine. Others not many people know about at all. 

@MoonGal, if you choose a pseudonym for your website, that will also allow you to share it here at the forum, which would be awesome. Wishing you the very best on your decision making process. I agree with your psychiatrist but would suggest a slight change to the wording: if in doubt, delay. And keep delaying until you are sure.

Best, Maz

Re: I want to change my name in real life

Hey @Mazarita - what an interesting story about your name change, and wanting to go back to the old one, and that you have another one entirely as a writing/public pseudonym. The name I have 'chosen' does mean something in another language, and I am sure of the meaning, it must of been so strange when you learned the meaning was different from what you thought (or didn't know about I mean).  

 

I wish I could discuss the pros and cons of the actual name I want to choose I asked two friends and one said - ABSOLUTELY that is YOU. and the other said, If I like it go for it, persoanlly doesn;t LIKE the new name because she met someone with that name once who was an ar*se and can't get that incident out of her head... but I said, well I met that person too and you were right he is an ar*se but I am not related to him so it won't matter! LOL.

My other friend who said "Absolutely" - knows me inside out and my writing and other advocacy work so she is one to 'believe'. I will speak to my partner tonight about it... and yes very good advice, ... not "do nothing" but "delay until sure". Thank you!

Re: I want to change my name in real life

@MoonGal, the other possibility I didn't mention is to choose a name for your website that is 'obviously' a pseudonym. Such as MoonGal! That's the kind of name I have on the wider net for some activities, by which I have become a bit known. Then it's more like you are letting the audience into a knowledge of the creativity that is involved in taking a new name, which I kind of like as it empowers me as a reader and audience member.

As a much lesser known example, I have a YouTube channel for the two videos I made with PeppiPatty a couple of years ago. It is under the name 'Mazarita', so I was able to share the videos on the forum too.

I hope you also have fun with your net names! Smiley Very Happy

Re: I want to change my name in real life

@Mazarita - I LOVE the two videos with @PeppiPatty's poems - gorgeous, all brought together in a feast of visuals, music and words, thank you for mentioning it! 

I have been considering this new name/pseudonym issue all day (you know how it is I get obsessive and ruminative and it becomes the sole thread of thought!) it really is the focus of the moment. And the conversation here and the now THREE responses from friends is firming up my resolve and intention.

I did not want to move forward until I was sure because I need to purchase the domain name and a hosting service, that costs bucks. I also need to go anonymous with my domain name (by law the registered owners name must be in a world registry and can be looked up by anyone - I got a fright once when I didn't know my name and home address was online against the name of a website I owned and did activism work from, my god! the shock when I found out any one could find me to my doorstep!) so I think I need to get a post office box too. sheesh, all of this will add up for dollars.

Another friend, one I met online and who lives in the middle east but we share a love of writing suggested some outrageously hilarious pseudonyms that got me laughing about it. Laughter loosens up the fear eh?

I would love to use MoonGal out there... it is so much a part of me since I chose it to share here... 🙂 

The name will eventually be on a cover of a book (or more than one if I am successful in doing this!) so I want to get it right first time. My Middle esat friend says some authors have multiple pseudonyms, like J.K. Rowling does depend on the genre of their book. Robin Hobb (my fav fantasy author) is really Meaghan Lindholm... for instance. Moongal Waning. (haha!) Or Moongal Rising. (hahaa) Or MoonGal Eclipse (haha). 😉

Re: I want to change my name in real life

Awesome, @MoonGal, good to hear you creatively inspired!

But just to be on the safe side, I would take at least one night's sleeping on it before doing anything.

I know what you mean about the world registry for web domains, as I have one of those myself. I believe because I put my real phone number on it that I have ended up with endless marketing calls, which continue to do this day. Smiley Frustrated

Having thought about it a bit more, you might perhaps want to consider whether MoonGal is the best name for it because it leads back to everything you have written here on the forum. That may be fine with you. But worth considering. If you're keen to keep the activities a bit separate, I would suggest choosing a different funky name for the public net (as I have done for the bigger creative project I have out there).

Laughter sure does loosen up the fear. Smiley Very Happy

Thanks so much for your kind words about the videos. It was lovely to create something in collaboration with a friend here on the forum. 

I'm getting excited about your new creative activities too. Smiley Very Happy

Re: I want to change my name in real life

@Mazarita - I was actually joking about using MoonGal out there on the website, although MoonGal as a pseudonym for one-off pieces here or there is okay- nothing in it that has not been written about in here already. 

I think part of the fear for me is that I want to be shameless - to be brave and share the realities of what childhood abuse does to a person, how mental illness is/can be a result of unrelenting fear in childhood. Somehow we are stigmatised as a failure or it is our fault, when the seeds are sown early and once we grow up as broken struggly adults we are shunned - the world will not talk about fear, and abuse and the consequences except for occiasionally when someone commits a crime and they use "mental illness" to mitigate against sentencing or whatever - and that leaves the stigma even more marginalised and a false impression on what living with MI is for the wider MI community.. Those of us who live it and create and live as well as we can with what happened to us... we are hidden behind closed doors and I appreciate the forum is SAFE place (pretty well anyway) but that there are so many people out there who would and could identify with it all who never get to see it.

I think the question is this. Are there ANY adults with mental illnesses who did not survive childhood or teenhood abuse? The film Crazywise was an eye opener for me, it is the psychic wound.

 

And YES I will wait and ponder further before committing. And get all my ducks in a row before swimming across the world wide pond.

 

Re: I want to change my name in real life

@MoonGal, I wasn't joking about using MoonGal. I think it's a great name. And if you knew the name I am somewhat 'known' under, you would see that mine is a bit bizarre! :smileytongue

I can see though that you may wish to be more sober about your name choice as you will be writing about difficult subjects. 

I think some people do get mental illness without having experienced childhood abuse. But it is pretty common, isn't it? We can see that on the forum. 

From my perspective, my bipolar is a result of that coupled with genetic factors. I was interested to read on the Black Dog Institute information sheet about bipolar that is currently thought to be 80% genetically related. They describe it as the most genetically related mental illness of them all. This makes some sense to me because both my parents appear to me to have had undiagnosed and untreated mental illnesses. This also accounts in my case for some of the abuse I witnessed and experienced. I also have cousins diagnosed with bipolar, others with clinical depression.

I haven't seen Crazywise but it sounds interesting.

Always good chatting with you Moongal. Heart

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