not feeling good

[BlueBay]

Thanks @Zoe7, we can sit together and console each other tonight.

I'll be off to bed soon, need to rest my head.  Can't concentrate on here at the moment; still feel like i have been invalidated by my psych.

Sleep well my friend, catch up tomorrow. xxoo

ps.  thank you for being here for me tonight, even though you aren't too well. xx

[Zoe7]

@BlueBay always here for you BB - even when I'm not logged on - I am still with you my friend...

Love Zoe

[Owlunar]

HI @BlueBay

Yes BB - I do know what it is like to walk away from a family who has no idea of my life and my parents are dead now

Yet though all the anguish of my past I would never hurt myself - I have never thought of it - it would never have changed anything

So I understand how you feel - about your parents - about the past - but there is no point at all in hurting yourself

But it seems your psyche does not understand that - so really - where he is concerned that therapy is something you need to think about - but

I really do know what it's like for you - and with my Irish background family is important to me too

But please - forget about hurting yourself - it can't help - it can't improve anything - and it will only make things worse

I feel so deeply for you - I know - I have been there -

And I know how hard it is - how terribly sad - how hard to live through - how hard to let go

But I lived through it - and yes - I have had bad dreams - I still have bad dreams

Other people love you BB - we do too -

Lots of hugs

Dec

[BlueBay]

Dear @Owlunar

You are such a beautiful soul, a caring person.  I have so much joy and understanding when i chat with yoiu.  I feel you know me 'far too well' and you get it. I only wish I could just sit with you and have a cuppa, chat and a hug 

I am sad, I am hurting, I am crying, I am lost.  To have a 'final connection' with this house of mine and leave for good, for ever is HUGE.  Don't get me wrong it is exciting, i am happy because this new house is everything i have ever wanted, and I finally get it WITHOUT my parents support or telling me what to do or where to buy or how much to spend.

But - here is the sad bit and it still hurts even just writing this to you.  It's final, it's the end of another chapter of my life where I have no connection with my parents; no more bond or glue holding us together with stuff.

The words 'end' and 'final' are just too harsh to comprehend even too painful to just write.

You know all i ever wanted was for my parents to support me, to put their arms around me and tell me 'it's okay, you will be okay'. but i never got that.

and so i looked for it from myu psych and i don't get it from him either.  

i have to wait now until June to see my new psychologist as she has cancelled all appts for a while (death in the family) and as i do understand this i am in need of someone else to talk to; to vent to; to hear me.  i think i will ring today and see if i can just see anyone asap.

Reg. SH.  I really don't know how far I would go this time.  I have SH before but i feel it is all the pain and hurt that i want to get rid of.  And part of me says to my inner head 'just do it to get bgack at yoru parents and your psych' - that's what mhy head tells me at times.

@Owlunar with all the pain and hurt you have gone through - how did you get through it all? 

I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you too.  Family is everything but something family just don't get it 😞 😞

[Change123]

@BlueBay

Like they say "you can choose your friends but not your family"which means its not our fault if we have crappy parents.

I would want nothing more than my mother to  say she was sorry for how she acted to me and my partner and give me a big hug! But I know the reality is that wont happen as its not my mother so even though that really hurts to think my own mother hasnt even tried to call me in 5 years, or my sister or nieces, its like I'm not good enough for them.  I will always have that pain there but I also know how much happier and healthier mentally I am without them.  When I was in contact my life was in turmoil always trying to make them happy, get some sort of praise or love which never followed, always having to choose between my partner and family.  The more I did for them the more they wanted but didnt want to give the same back. It fricken really really hurts but I accept that I will never have this from them becuase its not who they are, whether I like it or not I cant change who they are.

Try to think of the new house as yes its an end of a chapter and may be a bad chapter look at this as a fresh new start to a new and positive life.  New house, new area new Blue bay etc.  Its a time that you can start afresh and think "ok this was my life with all these memories, lots of bad ones and some good but now I leave all that behind and start afresh with only good memories to be attached to this new house".  

"final and end" well its only final and end of the house you are leaving behind, the bricks, the mortar the back yard but it doesnt mean your memories are final and why cant you take those fond memories with you.  I know you are freaking out because this is a massive change for you and I also feel its a symbolic change thats why its freaking you out more.  Ie. the first house you bought on your own without your parents approval - thats a big thing and it also means you are growing and maturing and ready for the next positive phase in your life. Its scary not knowing what is to come but remember you do have control over that and who is to say its negative that will be coming, this change could be the best thing that ever happened to you!

Take care my friend 

[Owlunar]

Well said @Change123

Hi @BlueBay

I thought about you a lot last night - in fact - whatever I was watching on TV went past me - I had all my thoughts on you

One thing I thought about was this - I think I got this from my parents when my father died - he spoke to me for a while just before he had a stroke and left - peacefully - and it was that what had happened to me - caused by my mother really - was acknowledged - how it hurt was acknowledged - and he told me that I was a wonderful daughter and a truly magnificent woman - which would have been great to have heard earlier - and that in rearing my son I had done something he could not have done

It meant so much - it still does

But yes - there are times when I feel that drain on my emotions - that I was alone through the darkest part of my life - but how did I get through it?

Well - there was my daughter and then my grand-daughter - how blessed I am with them - and my studies through those years - I studied for so long and covered so many subjects it has left me with a self-created legacy - it still works to this day - I just go on learning - and as well - all my life I have had a light inside me that never goes out - sometimes it has burnt low - but after a storm in my emotions it grows and I know that I am worth more than Dad could say and than my mother could ever imagine

In fact - I think I am the best of three siblings - as if I got all the best genes - and that was hard for them

But through it all is the sorrow of the tangled life of my son and his death and it is hard to this day that my parents let me go through all of that alone - so yes - those words "end" and "final" mean a lot to me - I know what you are talking about

You must have studied to be a pharmaceutical assistant - study is not for everyone - but it's a thought to take a short course once you have got into your new house - something for yourself - to please yourself - and you will have your new grandchild - how wonderful that will be - and while it is hard to focus on this through what seems apocaliptic atm - oooh - better you than me - everything will be different -

Like taking off your work clothes and getting into a hot shower and washing off the day before getting into bed - and how I love that - one thing is over and the new begins

Your mother will pay for what she has done - believe me - my mother did - I have told you - so ha ng onto that idea - she is probably already tied up like a pretzel inside about you - as Change said - it's as if other people are not good enough - but we are - we all are - we are all valuable - we all have the right to be respected - and we look to that and expect nothing less -

But I don't understand at all. There is no need to answer but how would that help? I went ahead and lived my life and did exactly what I felt like doing - which was study and work and lived in a house with my husband who was only that legally - and yet even getting divorced was not enough for her - nothing made her happy -

So live your life - get through moving which I reckon everyone hates - and love your family and enjoy that new life growing within your daughter - your own DNA going into another generation - what a wonderful idea

It would be great to have a coffee and chat and I can give a hug and tell you - it will be okay - you will be okay. There is no bond holding you to your mother - that has corroded away long ago and it is all in your memories

And I know memories - what do we do about memories? We grow new ones at the same time as we filter our past and find the ones we want to keep because they are beautiful

Dec

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar and @Change123
At work now with a terrible headache. Will reply to both tonight. Xxxooo

[Zoe7]

@BlueBay 

[Owlunar]

Ah - the forum headache @BlueBay - it seems to get passed around - I had it yesterday and I started to take antihistimines again - they make it harder to wake up but it's better than the sinus pressure

I hope you are at home right now and you have a peaceful evening

I guess if the headache is the worst part of your day isn't that bad but it takes longer - my - doesn't a headache made the day last longer

Dec

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar @Zoe7 @Change123 @Former-Member @utopia

I ended up going to see the GP that gave me the flu shot the other day.  I spoke to him at lunch time and he suggested i come in after work.  I did, he checked my BP because of my headahce, it was high, very high.  I have swollen glands, my headache hurts on each side of my head.  My neck is stiff and sore and I feel crap.  He said it's either a new virus i am coming down with or a reaction to the flu shot.  i told him i haven't been sleeping well and have been taking a med to help me every night.  he said it is not the ideal thing to do but he said we'll talk about it next time.  he did ask who my psychiatrist is. 

He is a new doctor that i am seeing.  we have a new clinic opened up two weeks ago and it's down the road from work, so i thought i would see how these guys are.  There are two new young doctors who both have worked in the local hosptials.

he was very thorough.  he said if my BP is not down by tomorrow after work i have to go back and see his colleague.  he wanted me to have tomorrow off work but i told him i can't because it's going to be a busy day as we are closed over Easter.  so he told me to take it easy at work.

Thanks everyone for all your support over the past few days.

I am going to try to stay positive over Easter, i will also try to pack some more boxes. but i will also rest.  i can't wait for tomorrow to finish so i can rest.

@Change123i don't thnk i will ever be able to forgive my mum for her words she said to me.  And the way they have behaved towards me.

i think an early night for me tonight, my head and neck hurt.  hopefully i cfan sleep.

goodnight xxxooo