not feeling good

[Change123]

@BlueBay

Dont do this to yourself, you are in no way to blame for telling your parents about the abuse.

Any normal caring parent would want to know these things so they can support and love you through this ordeal. Its not our fault that our parents were arseholes and uncaring and if this stresses her out now GOOD she has to live with the fact that she didnt do the right thing by you!

I dont know what to say about the hold they have as I probably still have this with my mother, I havent seen her for many many years and as I have said before if I bumped into her right now it scares me how I would react.  I hope I would be mature and assertive and tell her what I think but I'm terrified I will revert to that little child of " yes mum no mum and do as I'm told" but we are passed that we have endured so much in life. Its funny how we try to please the abuser, our minds our one hell of a thing.

You can do this @BlueBay, think of your new future that beautiful house you will be moving into soon, your husband and kids just think about your mum and think " f you" I'm better than you AND YOU ARE!!!!

Take care thinking of you.

[Former-Member]

Well said @Change123

[BlueBay]

Thank you @Change123

This is the hardest thing for me to do. I feel guilty, i shouldn't have told them. But it's too late because they know. Gee if only they knew about the other abuser (family member) then they would really really hate me. But i never told them about that person, i don't know why, maybe i was scared and still am.

You know my psych told me today that maybe i am trying to fix things with my parents and expect them to act differently, yeah maybe he is right. Isn't it okay to have expectations, after all they are my parents. i am having internal conflict because i just can't accept that my parents have done this to me.

And then he says to me 'what about other families, i am sure there are lots of other parents out there that have done things to their kids" - i was screaming inside when he said that because i felt like saying to him 'i don't care about the other familieis i am talking to you about my family'.

@Change123parents, families - this is the hardest thing to deal with. I know i have a new house to move into; i know i have a grandchild on the way; i get all that. But there is still this piece of the jigsaw that will never be complete;  And leaving this house (which don't get me wrong, I really do want to move) but it feels like an end to a connection with my parents, it's final.  And that word 'final' is really hard to accept.

I'm stuck, i am hopeless with my emtoions;

[Zoe7]

oh bugger @BlueBay - so much to look forward to but so stuck in the past - I know how much that sucks!!! It's easy for some (like your psych) to judgre and make such comments - but they have not walked even a single step in your shoes - bloody frustrating!! I cannot imagine the heartache you feel at losing your family the way you did after finding out and telling them something so traumatic for you - I could never do that. Their withdrawal and actions are all on them - you don't deserve the treatment you have received and you don't deserve for it to continue to affect your life as much as it does - it really is very unfair. But on the positive side - you have wonderful kids and friends (especially here) that support and adore you and take you as you are - no judgements, no expectations - just love. You are a blessing to me and I absolutely love having you in my life...

...always sitting on your shoulder

Your little flutterby friend...

Zoe 

[BlueBay]

Oh @Zoe7 thank you.  i really don't know if i can jkeep doing this, 

I felt like screaming to my psych today and telling him to f##k off. I was angry, emotional, sobbing.

I couldn't even look at him while talking. 

I am crying at the moment, i need to get off. i am sorry it's nothing you or anyone has said, i have so much love and support from here; it's just me and my emotional head. i am so torn that nothing will ever change.

think i need to chat to Lifeline before i do something silly. i am so lost and so hurt. i will try lifeline now maybe i will be back later,

if not, i will chat with you tomorrow.,

[Zoe7]

I'll be thinking of you my beautiful friend... and sending all the love I have your way tonight..

Zoe 

[BlueBay]

@Zoe7i can't do it.  I can't chat online to Lifeline, so that idea is not going to happen tonight.

I will stay on here for a bit longer. 

What are you watching tonight on tv? anything? how is your head tonight?

[Zoe7]

Hey @BlueBay I'm not watching anything tonight. I turned on the tv and one single word triggered me - so I have turned it off. Waiting for the painlikkers to take effect so I can lay down - my headache is worse tonight - probably the anxiety has not helped it. Stupid 'stuff' - totally sucks sometimes having any thoughts or feelings at all!!!

We can sit here and be miserable together hey 

[BlueBay]

I'm sitting on the lounge but I have a headache actually since yesterday when i had the flu shot.  I ended up sleeping at about 4.30pm for an hour.  I never sleep at that time of the day.

I also think because of my session today and how it was so intense it hasn't helped with my headache.

I think i will make a cup of tea and have an early night.  i have work tomorrow.

i hope the meds kick in soon for you Zoe so then you can calm your anxiety down a bit.  I'm sorry that things have triggered you tonight.  i so understand how that affects us.  Even a single word, a song just anything can trigger.

Hugs to you my friend, i hope you can sleep well tonight.  Pls take care, hope your headache eases off a bit.

sleep well.

BB xxoo

[Zoe7]

Enjoy your cup of tea @BlueBay I will be sitting on your shoulder while you sleep so you know I am close and helping to protect you from the world around us...

Zoe