Today is the anniversary of...

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good morning Forum Land,

Anniversary days can be tricky, and thus I thought it might be nice to create a space especially for these tricky days. Today is the 25th of September - all day long. Today it is five years since I held my beautiful perfect dog while the vet helped him to make safe passage across the Rainbow Bridge. I still miss you SO MUCH (M). I thought I would have adopted a new canine brother for you by now, but I haven't. Remember how we talked a lot about him? We talked about how I know his name and I will know him when I see him. He hasn't come yet and now I am beginning to wonder if he ever will. You are who I want. You are still my boy. I still own you - the mere inconvenience of the fact that I am here and you are there won't ever change that. You will always and forever be my boy. I love you (M).

Today it is also twenty years since I attempted suicide. I know I can't share the method by which I did that, here, but suffice to say it was very public and very dramatic. I was labelled attention seeking. I was in and out of hosptial within 72 hours, just like the other forty-two times I've been admitted. I struggle to understand what anyone gets out of being in hospital, but I recognise that this is because of my own experiences, which have consistently been unhelpful.

I hear stories about people who attempt suicide and are later grateful that they survived. I am entirely ambivalent on this point. Twenty years on, I haven't yet reached a point where I am grateful I survived that day.

Today is a tricky day in my world. However, seven hours of it have already passed, only seventeen to go. Good thing I don't live on Venus.

@Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Hello @Phoenix_Rising

Thank you for sharing how difficult today is for you.  We are here with you today in forum land.

Thinking of your little dog as well today and the rainbow bridge.

Take it easy today.

Take care, MummaMia

[Ant7]

@Phoenix_Rising Today is one year since one of our beautiful dogs went to the vet and never came home. She was 9 and had health issues. What made it worse was we were away at the time and the kids had to deal with it alone. She hung on for 2 more days before it was to much. I still feel guilty that we were not there for the kids and I feel guilty because no one was with her (the kids dont drive) when she crossed the rainbow bridge. @Phoenix_Rising 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Ant7 That sounds superly duperly tough, and I know the first anniversary is always the hardest. I trust that my dog and your dog are having a wonderful day together across the Rainbow Bridge today.

[Ant7]

@Phoenix_Rising Thanks sendding you much love today

[CheerBear]

I'm thinking about you today @Phoenix_Rising (and now @Ant7 as I caught your post just as I was about to post this). I think of the day that my girl crossed over the rainbow bridge and it feels so raw and painful still. I can feel and hear the love you have for M, and I have felt the love you had for your girl Ant as I have caught some of what you've shared about her and that time for you .

When I look at the time that you posted your post this morning phoenix_rising, I see that it is the same time that I was sitting outside, listening to the birds with my coffee, writing to myself about these being 'the days that...'. I have been wondering whether there was a right space here to share that 'today is the day that', as they happen. Tomorrow will be the day that started the series of events that lead to the big bang a week later. I am not sure whether I can or will share anything more than this here. Having a place to share if I want to and can, makes me feel a little better.

I've been managing better than I thought I would, and have a plan that will help me continue to manage as the days come and go. But it didn't stop me from waking up this morning and having big tears leak out. It hasn't stopped my brain from feeling jumbled today and it hasn't stopped me from feeling a bit melted either. I can plan for things I think will get me, but it's the unexpected that's getting me. It's potato salad. The promotional displays at the supermarket for pies and chips for grand final day celebrations. A song from Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Road Chip. It's a certain shade of a certain colour. The shirt that's a favourite but that I wore to the last day of being the me that had those big plans and dreams and goals. It's even been in the feel of the warmth of the sun on my arms. It's not all the time but it's enough to be tricky.

I can see the progress I am making and can see the good too, but it's confusing and I am having lots of trouble making sense of things this morning. Because of that I am taking myself off on an adventure so I can clear my mind. I am feeling very thankful for an unexpected opportunity that came up that will allow me to be able to do this. So I am going rainbow hunting.

I know that today has become even harder for you than it was before 8am and that you're weathering a big storm right now. I can imagine how hard things are at the moment. I don't expect you to read or reply to this, but I did want to post to you before I head off, to let you know that I will be here even if I am not, and that we can ride this out together but not too.

[frog]

@Phoenix_Rising @Ant7 thinking of you both at a time of hard memories. Wishing balm for your souls.

[Queenie]

@Phoenix_Rising and @Ant7, just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you both today. The 25th of September is a tough one for me also as it is my Dad's birthday and every year I am reminded how much I am not allowed to be part of his life (because of my Stepmother/Aunt - My mother's sister- Jerry Springer material I know!). 

Let's all go to @CheerBear's nest I think.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Super big thank you @frog and @Queenie.

I'm sorry to hear that yesterday was a tough day in your world too @Queenie. I think the notification gremlins ate the notification from your post yesterday Queenie because I didn't get it. I hope you were able to feel snuggled and supported in @CheerBear's nest. It really is a super nice nest that she has made isn't it!

[CheerBear]

I've been feeling it come and go like this in this way for a few days now. Intense and then it passes and it is ok and things are normal again. But right now I am feeling it intensely and right now this seems like a good place to say that.

I've lost track of time tonight and I don't know where I was or what I was doing back then because I suddenly realised that I don't actually have a Friday. Friday has completely disappeared. I don't know where it went and I don't know why I can't remember it. I don't know what that means or whether it means anything at all. I remember some things in so much detail that it hurts, but somehow I have lost a whole day. There is no detail, this one is blank right now.

My heart hurts as I try and sleep tonight, and now everything is jumbled up in my head too. I liked it better when I could remember because then I could work through it, but I've lost that tonight. I can't work through something that isn't there.

This week has been hard in the most unexpected ways and this is another one of them. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of something I don't think I actually remember.