SPRING-Clean Declutter - Need Help

[Determined]

Haha @Smc pic finally showed up.

That almost looks like my shed. 

We can just manage to get the cars in so not quite that bad... yet 

[Smc]

@Former-Member, we've heard some awful stories about family feuds and breakdowns over sorting parents' houses.  Thankfully, despite feeling very stressed, my sister and I are staying on good term with each other. Dunno what I'd do if that wasn't the case.

[Determined]

Ive told my mum that if she is not going to write down and allocate every last nut and bolt to leave me out of it, while I am on talking terms at least with my siblings I can just see all the green eyes and grabbing now.   Saw the green eyes light up in one sibling when mum wanted to give younger sibling one of dads watches after he died.

And again when she was loaning me a tool the turns out was stiffed and didnt even work .  Not interested in any of that.

Main thing   I have my heart set on is something of dads that younger sibling also wants. Aparently tha t is in the will but I can see the arguments already. 

[Smc]

@Determined sounds like it may be a difficult time coming. 

Our parents have a very basic will. The only things actually specifically for either of us are certain pieces of jewellery- wedding and engagement rings, plus a small number of family heirlooms. Otherwise, they've trusted us to decide how to split things up. For the most part we want different things anyway, and we'll take turns choosing from the things that we both want. We've already made a few "bargains" with each other. I agreed that my sister could have the large conch shell we both loved playing with as kids, and I got Dad's massive 1950s Websters Dictionary that we used when playing Scrabble. 

The only other specific mention is that our Grandmother's pianola and her 200 plus rolls in a bookcase stay together, and if we argue over who gets it, it gets sold! I'm getting it, and my sister got first pick for two other pieces of heirloom furniture. Fair's fair. I'm looking forward to inviting friends around for an old style singalong- Bye Bye Blackbird, Zip a Dee Doo Dah, Teddy Bear's Picnic, Yellow Rose of Texas and many more....

And so remains the million dollar question; trash or treasure...

[Former-Member]

My mum set me up to be dads carer, according to his wishes. That last fortnight in hospital mum rang dva about me taking over, had paperwork sent to me (still gotta fill that out & get it back to them), she gave me dad's bank account details to use to help him pay his bills, she got me to order incontinence aids, made me write everything down (i do anyway), dhe made sure I knew where things were, including her funeral papers, how to look after the dogs & cat & wild birds. My sis rarely ever visited mum. Both dad & mum have separately asked me to come care for them, live here - especially dad, he knew he needed that with mum's terminal illness decline. I think he was scared . Then, only a couple of days before mum dies, while short of breath and on oxygen & sedation, she finally made a will, at her hospital bedside, without letting anyone know. In will sites my sister as executor (i said no hoping Mr Sis & sis would both do it as i am one), but it was the last sentence that threw me - it lists my sister as mum's nominated carer for dad. WT# - here i am doing it for weeks, and caring for her, and now this. It was a kick in the guts when i saw it. Not that it changed anything, my sis is not available to care for dads pravtical needs, can't even drive the hour to get here die to anxiety... But this has become a tool for great conflict with bro2 & sis against my being here (which also doesnt make sense because dad needs help, i help dad where they cannot, sheesh!). Thank goodness bro3 & 4 knew what mum really wanted. I can only presume the solicitors got it wrong, didn't hear her last words and presumed there was only ONE daughter. Ouch! It makes no sense at all and my TS is milking it all the way to the guardianship board already,  it's unsettled all other processes (likw grief & peacee of mibd.. ) with her haste to gain sole control.. That's how much my sister hates me, (well, what else could be driving all of that? I don't get it?). There's no rush to GET guardianship & clean out the house, this will come soon enough - dad's an unwell 83yo.  Not that she or ANY of my sibs are ever available to come stay with dad, I wouldn't stay here if they could. Its like two worlds going on. Guess I'm lucky I'm in the more practical / busy side, or it would do my head in.

Anyway, fighting a migraine 1/2 the day today, and washed out -  but still managed to cook a basic steak & vegie meal.

You know, all this sorting & cleaning here has freed up something like x10 cupboard baskets, all stacked by the sink to scrub clean (somewhat grimy dirty - takes longer to clean). Kinda brings home how much I've done, but still haven't got to clean out kitchen cupboards that are choker's

[Smc]

@Former-Member, while I have no idea what decision might be made re. guardianship, they need to have your Dad's wishes and welfare as their top priority. If he's mentally competent to express his preference, that will be taken into account.

I'm similar with clearing both my parents' place and ours. I sort out boxfulls and at the end of the day can't see where they came from because it still looks just as overfull. I did take photos at my parents' place before I started, and have from time to time compared then and now to reassure myself that there is progress. Perhaps I need to do that here too. Since I'm bringing things in from their place, a series of photos would probably show a progression of things disappearing, and in some cases being replaced with other things- but with the end goal of "Ours" plus "Theirs" minus "Junk" = "Less than now"?

[Former-Member]

Hello @Former-Member

Such a terrible way for siblings to behave around ongoing illness with your dad.....so recent a loss of your mum....precious belongings....your mum and dad's home where he still resides.,...as you say his home...a part of his life...

I tried reading back through the pages and saw that there is conflict between some sibling and a couple of your brothers are agreeing with you..Is that the case?

I am also wondering if your father has made a will....is the house in joint names?   has your father appointed an executor of the estate?  If the house is just in your late mum's name that would make more sense as in her wishes for the house to be sold etc...

I do believe that you can receive approximately 30 minutes of free legal aid....

also does your father have a regular gp and would your father be willing to set up a medical guardianship with you as his legal guardian?

I cannot understand that a will can determine who is the carer of your father if he is in sound mind...He is still able to determine that himself..

It may well be that you are not wanting to upset your father further with legal documents and guardianships....I do understand that...I am just thinking that if you have the support of your brothers..a round the table discussion with them on how to approach the subject with your father...

or do you have a psychologist...specialist you see yourself?

these are just suggestions if you would like to go down this track...this is neither right or wrong...the decision is yours @Former-Member as you have already done so much for your mum & dad...you truly are a shining light in your dad's eyes now whether he is able to express that or not....

I also believe that your two brothers (if this is correct) are coming around to your side because they too  can see this shining light..

With what you have been through you continue to amaze and inspire me @Former-Member

As others have mentioned aside from all of the above I do hope that you have something set in place to catch you ....to hold you when you finally stop and take a big breath.....

You will always have huge support on here ......

if you have not already....please set up the medicare funded psychology or psychiatrist plan.....everyone of us no matter how strong we are...how passionate we are....have to set our own boundaries and learn our limits...recognise warning signals...time to rest..

I say this only out of care and concern....none of us here want to see you hurting any more than you already are..

take care

mohill

[Faith-and-Hope]

Well said @Former-Member ..... ❣️

I have reached a point (again) in our circumstances where I am experi Nic get physical symptoms of the emotional weight we have all been carrying in our house ..... I am having to rest up and respect that my physical body is keeping tabs on me.

[Former-Member]

thank you @Faith-and-Hope

always hard to know if have said the right thing when I feel so much for the person...

sorry to hear about the stage that you are at...

I imagine that the huge move and splitting siblings would have had a major effect on you and them...

we are so good at advising others..

I too have not only got surgery coming up on upper back...lower back has gone out in sympathy..

physio believes I have a split muscle in buttocks that when sitting compresses sciatic nerve...

so what was a healthy spine I had been told and believed has changed...

we just do not know what tomorrow brings and have to live each day..

I saw you write that somewhere in response to someone asking a question...I thought good answer as is mostly what I have been doing for some time now apart from when I slip backwards...then I pick myself up...great big mess...start again..

there are no fluffy words that can cover our grief and loss only knowing that we are well thought of and supported...

you certainly are from the numerous times I read the praise..

one last thing...sorry...you know that I write epics...

when you find your mind wondering to the dreaded thoughts of what if what might in the future....bring yourself back to the now and congratulate yourself for self care...I have done this and actually works..

I am still a mess on other days..

Content/trigger warning

[Former-Member]

ps @Faith-and-Hope

what is a spoiler??? I have hit this accidentally before and have not  a clue..