Relating to our Adult Children hurt by our parenting and MI

[Owlunar]

Give him time @Former-Member - give him time

It is totally unreasonable for him to expect you to remember the first date he had with the girl he had for a partner or girlfriend - however long ago that was

Of course had he just reminded you - then you could have been supportive - oh yeah - he is a young man being unreasonable - sounds familiar - but bringing him into the world - really? He is here is he not? 

I think he is feeling incredibly sorry for himself - he can get over it - and you have been ill and lost your daughter and however your depression went down - if you had a physical disorder it would be just as tough on him

He's picking on you sis - and I am sorry because it must be making your feel really horrible

I hear you and I understand - kids can be so SELF-CENTRED and I am sorry - d'uh - I have said that before and more than once but I have "prickly daughter syndrome" at times and she has never been so personal but it really does hurt

Dec

Aw - that is one big pic of bears hugging

Sending best thoughts

[Former-Member]

Thanks for the hugz @Owlunar & words of wisdom. Like how u defend me 👍 😁 My son haa improved with time, especially this last year living as a bachelor - he's worked hard @self improvement. Guess i should b glad he even told me how he feels. He's dad had that strong victim mentality (pulled out when useful), we all need to feel loved but ho estly dont believe any human or self care can fill the void - it requires FAITH in a loving God. Faith takes work (on the inside), a letting go & a surrender... Not many people can hamdle it. My son has been angry enough to discount God, dislikes me talking about my faith, sees it as bible bashing rather than simply sharing my walk. So, this too has caused a rift as i am grafted into the vine now, talk / pray all day now, though far from perfect i seek God's perspective all the time. My son has sidetracked - but i pray he will return there. We all need the Lord. Anyway, ust check in with him - hope he's ok. Don't wanta smother but need tp show i care... Its a delicate balance.

@Appleblossom, i too believe society / community are the key to balancing out the brokenness in society. The church tries (despite recent media spotlights on the vile minority), to bring salt. Well, my current situation has a couple of lovely supportive new church friends, i'd feel lost without. One came on the weekend with her bubby for dad re dads sister passing away, it was lovely, and 'real' They even brang handmade condolence cards. That little bit of support / acknowledgement lightens the load within. And it helps to talk and get different perspectives on things. Yep, i think in a perfect world it would change future generations, but the trouble is - integrity. So many even prey on the vulnerable... And Systems first prop up systems imposible to navigate... Oh boy, this is a big topic.

Talking of big topics - have you seen the battle for Religious Freedom going on in Australia:

www.freedomforfaith.com.au

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member@Appleblossom

Yes - this is a huge subject - and although the world was meant to be perfect this is a fallen world now and - I totally understand the Woman eating the Fruit in the Garden - I would probably have done the same in similar circumstances - alas

I am just interested - that the church trying to get people to bring salt - I know we are said to be the salt of the earth - and salt is also a perservative and it could be a curative and/or deliberatly painful- rubbing salt into the wound etc - and it also seems that the church has been really helpful in different ways since your mother died and this is good to hear about

I don't know about defending you - just pointing out that we all have faults and we all have rights too.

Your son can discount God - God can take it - and he can dislike you  talking about your faith - actually if you son really was about being a non-believer he would not be so agro about it - and when it comes to talking about your faith - this is tricky but we taught to witness and the hardest people to talk to are the people closest to us - and it depends on what you say and how but you can talk about your faith but to him - it seems to irritate him - but sure atm he is really having his pity-party. 

He has his religious agendum - he can - but wonderful how grouchy he is about it and you can't share your faith - I notice this but I can't hear the conversations - but from here it does seem that he wants his point of view in many things to take priority - and it seems as if he is having recurrent hard times and you want to show you care but I agree - as with my daughter - it can be a delicate balance

However - as years have passed - my daughter is getting better at being less touchy - around midlife - according to the psychologist Carl Jung - people do change their priorities - before this young peple are involved in acquisition and as they mature then increase inquisition - acquistion is gaining stuff and inquisition is looking inside themselves

Of course we can never now when mid-life occurs and when is a person going to start to look within - it depends on the individual - I started this rather early - so when your son decides there are more things in life that working so hard he has no time for you other than to pick your faults and mistakes on electronic media. As tough as it is right now - it will get better I am sure - one reason is because you love him and this shows - and you see the delicate balance - 

As I wrote last night - give him time Lapses - just give him time - and slip into the sidelines of his life - and don't let him hide behind his texts either - if he starts picking - ring him up and be gentle and ask what is really going on -

We have all done things from mistakes and because we all have bad times - and it's not up to our kids to ear-bash us about it

I'm always around Lapses and feelling okay-ish - some days are just inconvenient but they generally improve

Hugs - Dec

And yes - be glad he tells you how he feels - but it depends if he is criticising you or just venting about himself - like his Dad has a strong victim mentality - it might work at times but it is unnecessary

[Appleblossom]

Yes it is tricky with adult kids, different generations, world views. I was hurt yesterday by my son, but let it go. I have set up a counsellor for us to discuss tricky subjects.  Unfortunately in my family we have more than average.  Pell has been in the Magistrates Court.  All this sex abuse and cover up business is at the core of the huge tragedies in my family.  Best not to open it up atm.

Glad you are happier with the church people you are in contact with. I have backed away from organised religion for a while @Former-Member Cut back on my newsletters etc. I was raised with a sense of global responsibility for the community. Or at least that is how my young mind interpreted all the confusing atm I am allowing myself to be me rather than trying to force myself into others' requirements.

Hi @Owlunar Love your down to earth comments.

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Appleblossom

I have had to stop looking at the Royal Commission even though my statement is now in the works - that doesn't bother me but I sure get it is a huge trigger and there are times when we need to keep out of it when we can - well done

I am sure I have said that I have backed away from organised religion - church people are just another demographic slice and there are all sorts of people everywhere - I keep thinking I will see the new priest at my church - the one I would go to if I chose to go back - nneeyah - I have been through all the Anglican Churches in this area - and it is never a priority

And it seems I am thinking a lot lately about how badly many women think of themselves - I have seen a couple of episodes about the psychology of women from NZ - and it starts young - girls are taught to force themselves into what other people require and as adults we have to re-programme our minds to please ourselves and I don't think many boys get such lessons in life - rather that pointless comment that boys will be boys - 

Enough of that - I am so glad you like my down-to-earth comments - I certainly feel better about myself if I am honest in what I say - much better than I would feel saying "the right thing for the female-behaviour" for the Behviour Poice - whoever "they" are

Dec

[Former-Member]

I 'get'it Apple. And no wonder there s added tensions atm, with Pell in the media & your family pain. Sheesh, big one there. Your son ahould k ow better. You take care xox

[Former-Member]

Coming back later @Owlunar
Finding this thread (i started myself), findi g it somewhat confronting / painful avtually. Must need it

[Owlunar]

I understand @Former-Member

It's a tough subject and I understand - 

Our kids are not clones of ourselves - that has to be a good thing - and they are going to have their own thoughts - and this is a good thing

But kids seem so entitled to their own thought and can be really hard to converse with when they try and change us - aw - it can hurt

So when you are ready - you have opened the subject but equally true you can close it too - maybe you need to talk about all of this and maybe you don't - 

But whatever - we will still love you

Dec