Relating to our Adult Children hurt by our parenting and MI

[Former-Member]

Since leaving home my son (now 28) has often thrown in my face how i shouldn't have bought him into the world in such trying conditions.

1. Single Parent
2. Mental Illness

He blames me for his emotional imperfections (of cause the abusive absent father / spm donor / reluctant part time parent, who has NOT had an MH admission to hospital, is put on a pedestal) anyway...

I just wanted to open a discussion about how to handle this as my children (young or old) mean the world to me.

- How can i fix my mistakes?
- Can i? 
- Should i let go completely (he tells me he doesn't need a parent anymore, ouch)? How do we do that? I can't
- when they hurt us - how do we know our great pain isnt MI talking?

It confuses me

@Faith-and-Hope, we've had quite a few helpful discussions about our kidults / baby dragons / young adult kids. Any tips? 
Just this w'end, my son was really upset, and i don't understand this, upset because it was the anniversary of his former long term partner - when they moved in together - defacto (not the breakup... ), guess its like marriage, a wedding... I barely remember mine. He said (all tx msgs) '

"I'm not cut out for this"

He worries me,  seems to wollow a bit, thinks he has to 'feel'the pain or something (he read somewhere). I just dont 'get' that - i run from pain if i can (splitting sometimes). Your kidultz probably relate to you better (maybe because you havent tried to take your life, been hospitalized, had a nervous breakdowns or lost a child), but you're an experienced mum - any clues how i can do more? How can I help him with it? or maybe i can't. I couldn't live his lifestyle, so full on... He has a permanent p/t office job now, on top of his business, but...  He has friends i don't  know well,  so hope he's ok.

Can i bejreceived? It jst feels like i get in the way, an embarrassment to him in person... Anyway
Know ya busy F&H &  in flight today,  but when ya get time.

Anyone else have any understanding of what I'm saying?  How does it make you feel?  How do we stand tall in life when our own children reject us? 

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member I thought this was a discussion I couldn't add to but then I realised I can add a 'child's' perspective from my own expereince...

I blame my mother for a lot - whether warranted or not - but I always wondered why she never knew what was happening to me and even more so why she never left my father... all those questions and all that hurt I understood more as an adult not being able to leave an abusive relationship myself... but that didn't stop me blaming her for so much. 

My mother has her own 'demons' to live with and she did the best she could for her children - that I do know - and she loved (and loves) us very much. That is not in anyway in dispute.

It is the way she shows that love sometimes that really affects me - it is intrusive and smothering - things that she sees as doing because she loves me are things that I find not helpful.

My sister's relationship is volatile yet my mother constantly says we need to support her - and her idea of support is to not mention how destructive some 'situations' are - that I am sure she is saying because of her previous experiences with my dad in their relationship. I do not agree with this and then I cop the flack for not enabling the behaviour - my Mum just does not get that she can support my sister and still say that this is not ok!

Sometimes parents need to take the 'soft' road and other times be very blunt - but whatever road you take you need to be happy within yourself to start the journey!

Maybe with your son @Former-Member it is time for him to come to you - for him to know what it is like without you in his life and feel that void that that leaves. I do this with my mother a lot - I will call or visit her when I have not had constant contact - it, for me, is about quality of our time together then rather than quantity. I can manage a lunch or dinner occasionally and use that time to catch up and spend some quality time with her. 

I can see the other side of all this too - as parents all you want is for your children to be happy and healthy - but sometimes that means 'letting them go', making their own mistakes and being able to sit back and watch them work them out for themselves.. hard YES but necessary also.

I think like everyone - being hurt by someone you love has a greater impact - and add in a MI and that can feel amplified. You don't need to 'let him go completely' @Former-Member but maybe give him a little space to work out for himself how much he would miss you if you weren't around! 

[Former-Member]

Good perspective @Zoe7, my mum was difficult too, she had MI. I work hard at not being as smothering & abusive as her.  Guess i never really learned nurturing and balance in parenting. My dad was pretty absent, and yes, i have a hard sister too. Mum has died now.

I don't smother my son (though he may not see it that way).  The silent treatment does get a response from him, my son, after a couple of weeks lol.  But,

Also think he HAS lost me, shortly after losing his sister. When he's sister died and this luring MI /  complex grief sent me off the rails into a major depressive episode - going missing, escaping hospital... where i spent a total of 6+ weeks, hospitalised, locked up in a Mental Health Unit,  alone (he didn't visit once), i think he lost me then - he & all my family members (none of them visited me - the stigma i guess), yep,  all of them wrote me off as dead that year, i think. It's been hard scratching my way back into their lives, to build some existance i can live with... 

OMG...  just realised something big... 
I don't wanna talk about this right now 😭

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hug @Former-Member ......

Will get back to you about this later when you’re ready to take it up again ..... but I have no doubt you did the very best you could with extremely difficult circumstances .... because that is what is in your heart to do ..... you keep trying the best you know how, and nobody can ask or expect more than that ......

You’re son is a 20-something with few if any of the same experiences you have summounted, and kids of his age have a critical outlook on life ..... it’s in their “job description” for this age, and then on top of that, he has his own struggles as a child of adversity ..... things beyond your control.

All you can do is remain polite and caring, and give him space when he is being a cactus.

Hugs n hugs ...... part of the tough parenting gig Hon ....,,

💐💜💕

Hi @Zoe7 ...... 👋💕

Gotta fly ..... see y’all later .....

[Bunniekins]

@Former-Member Hmmmm ... that is a tough and tender series of questions. It doesn't matter how old they get they are still your children aren't they.... When I became very ill the only person there for me was my mother. It was all too much for my children to cope with, seeing their mother fall apart,  ... one of the reasons which is keeping me taking this wretched medication. It is the main reason. So my children don't have to see their mum go mad.

Keeping the dialogue up and and running is so important but in all honesty if I wasn't doing so well I don't think any of them would be able to cope sad but true.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

When you are ready sis - and it is crazy noisy around here atm - airport and lawn mower - but

The thing I most want from my daughter is respect - this is what you ought to have from your son and we can get back to that 

@Bunniekins@Faith-and-Hope@Zoe7

Wow - you have all said some powerful things here and let me think - I think with so much time since my mother died I can see the reasons for what she did but they are not excuses and for my daughter

I stopped letting her hide behind electronic media when she was busy picking my faults - I didn't pick any of her's - she can be disrespectful at times but I told her that to her face - ouch!! 

But if I got a picky text I started ringing her back and asking her what the problem was - and the remarkable silence that followed a sympathic question - just "What's going on?" - incredible and the picky questions stopped

Everyone has said fantastic things here and wow - can our kids hurt us - wonderful how it's all our fault - and none of us a perfect - esp not them

Most important - yes - we love them - that goes unsaid - but we don't enable bad behaviour.

We all want respect - "we expect nothing more and accept nothing less" (Margaret Houilhan - M*A*S*H)

Dec

[Former-Member]

Oh @ Greenpea, now i understand you a little better, you know how it feels. It's a hard life insecurity - we so need support. Good your mom is there for you, and hopefully your children, my mum wasn't, not really there for my son either. He's often said he feels all alone in the world (after his only sibling died). With medication, i went on it for my kids too. Actually wheened off two heavy antidepressants 6 months before my girl died. I don't know if that contributed to her stress & fatal asthma attack? I stayed on it for years, mood cobtrol, but hated feeling numb. Its just not fair, none of it. I wish i at least had supportive family to share the strain of sole parenting but i couldn't as they themselves were not coping. Nor one. I dont know what the answer is, honestly. Love is the only truth there is, but even that can go pear shaped... Thanks for braving this hard topic xox

[Former-Member]

Well said @Owlunar aand @Faith-and-Hope,  we just have to survive them.  Haha, not gonna happen,  well sometimes.  I dont know what I'm sayin

Best go do A/T & feed the animals 

[Appleblossom]

I ask myself the same questions @Former-Member

Yes I have dealt with similar and more.

Dont have any answers apart from the type of posts here.

In the end I see it as part of the ongoing conversation for our society or our community.  Our society has become fragmented and dysfnctional in any ways so maybe I should stick to the "community" word.

Extended families are a "work in progress" as are all communities???