New Thread - Hams 2.0

[MDT]

Cheers @Owlunar
Must've missed your post earlier apologies.

[MDT]

I am now endeavouring to rid myself of all the toxic thoughts I have had around my relationship and around my life and around work.

For some time I have been struggling with toxic ideas in my mind about my partner. She has consistently been here for me. Particularly when I'm sick. Like right now. If it takes a bout of tonsilitis to realise this then so be it.

The toxically masculine has been at play in my mind and heart for too long. I've achieved. For that I am content to say come what may. No more bs. No more fear. I want to live free and love free. So I chose to do so now.

There have been many negative influences

[MDT]

Those negative influences have come from family and are follows:

Being spoken down to from either parent in my formative years

Being told I wasn't good enough to get into medicine when i was at school

Being told I wasn't good enough to go to a particular university

BEing told that I should've kept my old job in government in Feb 2022

Being told that I should not leave my current job back in Oct/Nov 2022

That I needed their approval for my life choices

That because they love me, I must do whatever it is that they say

Overbearing mother and father

Dissolution with feelings about what my dad was doing on a gay app (which i confronted him about last year)



Talking about these things has helped me see a bit more light.

I now see myself as an individual. Complete in my own way. Capable of making the choices that I want to make.

These things I have listed above contributed to a sense of insecurity and lower self worth where I was constantly questioning my relationship. Constantly questioning her intentions.

This realisation has lifted itself from me and I feel a bit better. Atm I have a bad case of tonsilitis but i'm also quite lethargic too. The penicilin is doing its job at least.

A lot has changed around me for the past several months. For the good and some is just a huge challenge.

Maybe I am aging too. Getting closer to 30 and all that.

Today I applied to uni again - masters course - have to send off another for another course elsewhere. Was happy that I did it.

As for work - well the expected change won't be until September. So I have time to decide if I can continue.

Tomorrow I am also nervous as my partner was saying there were things on her mind and heart - and my worst case scenario mind jumped straight to a conclusion and told me that she was going to dump me. Why that comes up? insecurity. Like I just indicated, which was possibly fostered around those experiences from childhood.

Anyway. I'm quite tired.

[Owlunar]

Hi @MDT 

Because of my shoulder injury I have to limit my posts so sometimes I don't get down the list - I may have missed your posts - I am sorry if I have.

I see you here as a new Hams - good work - from what I read you are out there trying new things and after years of disappointment you are getting better breaks

I am happy for you - really and truly - and continue to wish you the best - 

Owlunar

Happy weekend Hams

[MDT]

thanks @Owlunar
good to see you around
but i do hope your shoulder is okay too

[Owlunar]

Hi again @MDT 

I hear you - my family gave me negatives messages - I left - and years later I know I lived a tough but successful life - and it was worth it. 

Don't let other people put you down - you are nearly 30 - so you are fully adult now. And what other people think of is their business and it's polite for them to keep it to themselves.

It might help to tell them that - and also - it's great you are planning to do your masters - all the best with the application process.

Again - thinking of you

Owlunar

[MDT]

the power of telling others to bugger off hey?

@Owlunar

haha

[Owlunar]

Thanks @MDT 

The shoulder will be with me for the rest of my life - it's okay - I accept it.

The burn on my arm is healing well - it's taken weeks but I have had excellent medical help with it.

High 5

Owlunar