My Hospital Stay

[utopia]

Going to see my gp late this afternoon. Centrelink and WorkCover forms to fill in. Medication changes for my physical illnesses and explaining my new MI meds.
Bored. But not motivated to clean.
Bought myself 2 colouring in books today. First time since I was a kid. Might get them out soon. See if focusing on colouring in will take away my urge to 'self medicate' - drink.
No indication of my son coming home anytime soon. Not sure what I would do with him here anyway. Especially as he's still not talking to me. Hurts.
Battle going on in my head at the moment. - to get better and keep fighting - or to just go ahead and have a drink & crawl back into the dark corner and give up.
Getting better is winning mostly. But that call to just give up and sink into MI has strength in the afternoons.
Time to try some distractions.

[Former-Member]

Feel for you @utopia, especially about your son. That would absolutely hurt and its hard yo see past such intense pain you have to understand him. Teenage brains can't cope well at the best of times, they just have to survive and gravitate to the most stable ground. Whether we mean it or not, our emotional distance with MI makes our kids feel abandoned by us - according to what I've read. And having a MI mum. And my kids comments over the years re my depression. Its very hard. Give it time. I suspect you have lost him for the moment, but be assured he'll want to reconnect as he watches / hears you're getting it together (self care first). Children desperately need stability. Might be best to take it one term at a time with him. Visit on weekends. He wont forget you. You're lucky you have a relative minding him.

Its good to see you write "getting better is winning mostly" I soooooo get that. Don't give up, let's focus on getting through winter 🙂

Let us know how your apt went today 🌷💕🐦

[Shaz51]

thinking of you @utopia 

[utopia]

My gp has given me a script for my new bp medicine - but only after she did my bp. Bp reading was fine - but pulse rate was 46 ( maybe I really am a young fit male - instead of a middle aged fat woman).
So we'll reduce current meds for the next 7 days & then start the new meds.
Have new CentreLink Med Certificate. Starts today and goes for a month. But have a 13 day gap from when my last certificate ended and this one starts. I can see some fun (not) conversations coming up with CentreLink over this. Aaarrrggghhh.
Take away pizza for dinner. And will do some more colouring in.

[BlueBay]

Hi @utopia

Much love and hugs to you 

[utopia]

Well I've just got through day 64 without alcohol. That's worth celebrating.
Dropped my son off to a party in the hills and then picked him up & dropped him back at mums house. Didn't speak to me much. But I did get a few words out of him. So that's worth celebrating.
Stopped for a dead wombat in the middle of the road. Was an adult male. So no babies - as no pouch. No my son wouldn't help me. But I managed - by putting a plastic bag over my hands - to slowly move him to the side of the road. Get back in the car and my son said, "that's good". Definitely worth celebrating.
My heater is working, so came home to a warm house - well a warm lounge room. Worth celebrating.
Tattoo isn't hurting as much tonight. Worth celebrating.
My depression seems to be under control and getting better every day. So it appears the new anti depressants are working. Definitely worth celebrating.
Think this is what they call a good day. Some small wins. Some big wins. But all of them wins.

[Former-Member]

Good news @utopia, proud of you hanging in there through the worst and especially no alcohol for so long. Well done! 🎆⭐⭐⭐❤❤❤ 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

@utopia ... ❤️💕

[utopia]

Just back from my local AA meeting. Was 6 of us tonight. Struggling with the voice in my head that's telling me to have a drink. Think it's the same voice that tells me sometimes, that it's too hard - so just fall back into depression. At least you know depression.
Not knowing what I'll do when I'm mentally well and 100% off the booze (no urges). Members at AA say that life gets better. One even said I'm looking and sounding better tonight.
But I don't see it tonight. I don't feel it.
One day at a time.

[utopia]

Opened my mail. For the 2nd month in a row - centrelink has rejected my Medical Certificate - because my 'injury' isn't 'temporary'. It bloody well is. If it isn't - then my ex employer owes me a hell of a lot of dollars.
So I have to 'show' Centrelink that I have met my job search obligations. I was in the f ing hospital. The psych hospital. Didn't even have leave for most of my stay.
First stay 10 days.
Home 12 days - almost died!
Second stay - 8 days - til my psychiatrist flipped out and sent me to the public hospital.
Third stay - 24 days.
But now I need to prove that I have applied for ten jobs every fortnight - while trying to stay alive.
I have the MI. But they are bloody lunatics.
Just want to swear and scream.