Life can be a Pain

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope@Shaz51@outlander@Appleblossom

Yesterday I saw my therapist - talking about the past is an exercise in seeing light and shadow - there are hard parts I survived yet right through it all are the great moments

The life and death of my son still tear me down - even all these years later - I don't live with it every day but there are moments when I can feel the past like a chasm I could fall into but won't - and I have been here before and didn't fall

All my life I have had a sense of self - a light that never goes out - it can burn less or burn up more brightly - and there is my faith that has only grown stronger

I will not accept that darkness as being so powerful it will take me - but I don't like it one bit and I will not let anyone take my right to grieve but I will take any help to get past the dark parts

It was really rattling though - I walked out feeling as if the ground was having an earth tremor - only a feeling - it wore off over time

And there is always something else - life seems to be a screw-up at times - with minor issues that are in our path to cause us moments of irritation - but attended to pass off - which has to be good

So yes - life is an art form I guess - I am going to have to look up a word - chiaroscuro - spell check tells me that's right - and this is powerful in art. It's seeing how light and darkness are so strong when we need to see the picture - 

I will work toward that understanding - but I have the idea at least

This isn't one of my own photos and I have a feeling that it's not the right way up but we would never notice one without the other

Dec

[Appleblossom]

@OwlunarReflecting and memory. A lot of GROUND has been covered. It was good to hear that you feel your light will keep shining.  Let it glow quietly and dim it when needed.

Going to the edges of grief is difficult.  

Chiaroscuro has been a favourite word of my son and I.

[Owlunar]

I really like these pics @Appleblossomand love it that chiaroscuro is one of your favourite words too and love it that your son is into this the play of light and shadows - cause that is really life

And the edge of grief - at first I was right on the edge - I don't know how I survived that but as well as terrible anguish I was really angry and the conditions at the time and determined my son had not died in vain - and indeed he has not

Now and again I get exhausted and the light gutters a little - like a candle as the spirit leaves - but it's is allowed to - it has freedom of choice like every sentient being and I do feel as if grief has a life of its own - perhaps the spirit of the life that has departed

Life is like the weather

Dec

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom, good to see you pop up ❤❤❤

Hi @Owlunar, thanks for your encouraging words. It never occurred to my my sibs might feel guilty. They suck! Finally realising 'IT'S THEM NOT ME' But guess having been suicidal (two breakdowns) & with very little contact with them all over the yrs (re distance etc), they have a faulty concept of who i am & what i CAN do. The MH stigma is strong in my family, & I'm bundled in the same catagory as the brothers with psychosis, recreational & prescription drug abuse, gambling... Its hard because do
talk with them (though draining & scary sometimes)

[Appleblossom]

@Former-MemberIt seems unfair that all the issues are bundled together, when you are quite responsible.  I dont believe your sister is totally mh issue free.

@OwlunarEach time we walk down a memory lane or a grief lane the path circles in on itself but can also lead to fresh space.  The photo is Whitlam giving a symbolic handful of earth to indigenous owners in the land rights movement.  For the cultures to be reconciled takes a lot of work as you would know.

[Former-Member]

Maybe @Appleblossom, family, hmm, you know more than most of us how coming lex it can be. What you doing this w'end?

How about you @Owlunar?

Did either of you make it to church? I did this year, was good ❤

[Former-Member]

Hi Dec, Happy Easter!
In pain today and thinking of you wondering how you keep going?

Think / hope its just a case of overding it yesterday and it will pass, 😭 sooooo in pain today. The new script meds (no longer otc) don't help much, and i don't like taking them re s/e ots so disappointing when they don't work as they're a last shot. Dont think i did an injury as such (but did lift some heavy stuff), i donno.

Whatchya doing today? I didnt make it to church, re back) but i did make it Friday. Sorry,  keep nodding off here  grr) Today i'm supose to take dad to lunch with my cuz, his nephew,  but not sure i can. Just helped him put his flash shoes on (bending even harder for h, me straightening up (rather slowly, ouch - in pain) made him laugh (sympathetically). The only sondolation is that this intensity will pass.

Sheesh,  dropped ph x3 typing this.  

You take care big sister Dev ❤❤❤ 

[outlander]

@Former-Member @Owlunar ❤❤

[Owlunar]

HI @Former-Member and @outlander

I'll put up my Easter Owls here too - so they can be shared around

Pain Lapses - and yes - Outlander - you have enough of it too - and the question is Lapses - you wonder how I keep going - the answer applies to both of you I am sure

I think about the alternative - Aged Care - and this freaks me out in a major way - I have this rotten comment the person from My Aged Care who wrote that I was socially isolated which annoys me because I do not feel socially isolated - and in fact if I was in some kind of community life I would probably be classed as anti-social and that's not true either - I just like to do what I feel like it in my own space and to me that is how I handle it

But yes - I also am a charter member of Over-doers Anonymous - I over-did yesterday too - such a sunny day and my daughter tidied my garden when I was in Hobart - but I had a lot to cut back yesterday - and so I woke up sore a three times altogether so I guess the idea is pacing myself and another thing Lapses is - you have taken on a lot with your Dad and yes - there will be times when you have to care fo the carer - and you have that one too Outlander -

I guess the Carer sometimes has to say "No" to their person - and this has to be a really hard thing to do and people will be disappointed and the going will be rough.

I know - I know - I know - other people whomever they are put pressure on us to do things that are sometimes to much and this is one reason I am really glad to be alone with it

The medication - I have an idea what the tablets might be Lapses - and there are a couple of ideas I can give you

Don't wait until the pain is too bad before you take them - wait for the prescribed time but don't put of taking them too long - this  really doesn't work

You will find you will be able to work out a pattern taking your medication - knowing when the pain is right at the point when to take it - I space out at around 8 - 10 hours most of the time now - but this is really hard to go when the pain is bad and I don't 

I can explain better if you ask a question here and there

And today like other days alone I am enjoying being here by myself - I am enjoying it better all the time - the short hectic weeks around long weekends are much harder

And my daughter is having a few hours in hospital next week - a laparospocy for endometrios - I am sure she will be okay but yeah - she's my daughter - 

Happy Easter girls and enjoy the day as best you can and make sure we all take care of ourselves as well

Dec

[Former-Member]

TNKX Dec & Outlander, just cancelled lunch with cuz due to the back. Actually pain medz giving me fuzzy head for driving too. Normally i would push myself for everyone else but not doing that anymore. It even hurts to turn over in bed. Anyway, still feel bad 'cause they didn't reply to my apology. Anyway, we will get there
Dec😍