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Hi @Former-Member
That must have been truly horrible - I can't imagine anyone dying in my arms - letting alone one of my children. And yes - it was good that my daughter texted me - we text each other a lot - it's what we do and it works for us
My son died away from home and I was in hospital after a car accident when this happened - and when my husband was suddenly there in the morning I knew something bad had happened - so really - waking up today was the time when I learned about it - but he died on the 16th at 11.30 pm
Sometimes it seems a long time ago - sometimes it feels like yesterday
You did nothing wrong if your daughter died of an allergy - it happens - rare I think but I had severe asthma years ago now - and it can be scary to have the problem - but it was worse watching my brother when he had it - but really - I can't visualise what that must have been like for you. No wonder you get flash-backs
As mothers we do the best we can - but there are somethings that cannot be overcome
Dec
Thanks @utopia
It's wonderful for you to comment - even though you can't imagine the pain. There is so much isolation involved with losing a child that people either find it so scary they ignore us forever or feel it's catching. All we need is for someone to acknowledge how hard it is - as you have done
Hi @Former-Member
I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you - I couldn't find your post last night and I was tired - no excuse really - but things to catch up in a bunch of different ways
Please don't feel you are to blame because you didn't know about the recovery position. It was not your fault - you had to put the child down to ring for an ambulance and she could have aspirated at any time.
They can treat aspiration I think - but in your total mind-spin at the time you did your best - I can't imagine what it would be like to have that happen to your little girl - it was worse than traumatic
I hope you are feeling better today - I do understand.
When I saw my son two days before he died I had to tell him I couldn't help him anymore - that he had broken the law and being in Juvenile Detention was the result of his behaviour and I had warned him this would happen. Then I was in an accident and I was in hospital with injuries and couldn't visit him on the Thursday - as I promised
So I spoke the the chaplain at the university about this - and he told me I had no need to feel guilty - in fact - those who have no need to feel guilty feel it the most and those who are guilty often don't - so it's time to start getting away from the guilt
I know - you worked really hard for your little girl when she was alive - and this makes things different - what you went through with her father was rough but you loved her and obviously did your best
This can go through our minds like a song we really detest but can't forget - I know - and losing your only little girl - so tragic - I do feel for you
You may feel alone - but you are not
Lots of hugs
Dec
Hi @Former-Member
I received your post in my mail box but it hasn't turned up in the thread yet - but I can answer it
There are some branches of the church - some call them sects - that have some really strange dogma than can really marginalise people - and of course having a child die is not the result of a sin. Or else - as you said - all the children would die.
It is better to have a conversation - so many people are scared - they don't know what to say - and somewhere in my past I came across and idea that it would be better if people just came up to you and mutter "Manama - manama" - like Ernie in Sesame Street. The bewildered silence hurts more that any words one could say - well almost - I had that silence from my own family - it upset them too much - and bad luck about me - yeah - I know something about the way you feel
After my son had died a young man approached me - he told me he was turning his life around and did - but what he actually said was "Er - em - ah - mmmmm - since _______ died I think I will clean up my act - ah - um - mmmmm - yeah"
When my cousin died a few years ago I went to the funeral - I flew interstate and back in the same day - and my rellies were astonished that I did this and really appreciated it - but I didn't write to them for a few weeks - maybe 3 or 4 - and then I wrote that there were no right words - and nothing at all I could say to console them - but they told me that I was the only one who knew what they went through -
And when things like that happen I can almost see a point to my son dying - in his life he was a lost and broken being who needed to go home to his heavenly father - and I believe he is safe there now
But people who cannot understand - it's like we are expected to just pick up and go on as if nothing had happened - my family was like that - no way could I have ever told them what I was feeling - and there are still times when I have nightmares of trying to tell them something precious - and they cannot hear
But I can't read your post right now - but still I do hear you and I understand what it's like - though I cannot understand exactly what you feel. I still remember the useless things people said - I suppose they were well-meaning
Perhaps I am a lonely voice in the wilderness crying out to the bereaved parents who suffer because of the ignorance of people - you have a right to grieve - in fact you have to grieve - it's called Grief Work and it is the hardest work you will ever have to do - and my heart holds yours
There are people who say somethings that I feel is tempting fate - one woman told me to "Get over it" and wow - that is such a rough thing to say -
And also - what goes around comes around. I can't see you as a bad person in any way - I see you as struggling through a mist so thick at times you get lost. My heart goes with you - may the Lord also be with you
Lots of love - and not just the virtual kind - the love of one bereaved mother for another
Dec
