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[utopia]

Didn't sleep til 5.30 this morning. Up to take son to school. Back to bed until 1.45. Just in time to see my psychologist.
He says my mood is slightly improving each time he sees me. But that my behavior (sleeping, eating, exercising and socialising) is deteriorating. And that if I don't try and change my behaviors, , it won't take much to send me into another deep depression episode.
So he really wants me to start socialising, but with new people. Not my bf and mum. But wuth people who can join in stimulating conversations. I do realise I do need to do this. I crave intelligent conversations. And sharing my passions with others. This is when I miss my old friend from when I was 16. As we used to discuss everything. Eclectic topics. Passions. Politics. Environment. People. And I've never really had another friend like him who I could talk to like that.
So my homework is to try and dind a social group in my little town that I can join. I'm thinking maybe a book club.
So the appointment went well. And I see my psychiatrist in Melbourne tomorrow.
@Faith-and-Hope

[utopia]

The allergic reaction settled down by 4am. Most likely a spider bite or reaction to a spider web. Based on same reaction my mum has experienced.

[Teej]

Hi @utopia. I haven’t forgotten to respond. Just tied up riding roller coasters 😳. 

Just a question on your last post. What stops you from getting out and finding the stimulation you crave? That comes from a me too place. For me it’s fear of the unknown and fear of not being good enough or maybe being scared I’ll be rejected too. 

[Teej]

PS @utopia. My a-ha moment felt a bit flat today. I think the realisation of the work I need to put in to see change has hit me but not deterred me from following it through. It was working through with someone what happens when I hurt someone I care about. We were able to slow it down and break up the parts of my reaction. I discovered that the very first reaction I have which is an immediate apology it ok. It’s what happens after that that gets twisted. I learned I can trust myself for my immediate reaction which comes from wise mind. I mess it up after that as emotions take over and I go into manic fixing mode. For me this has been something that affects me for a long time. I accidentally hurt someone on the forum on Tuesday morning and I’m still carrying and reacting to it. It causes lots of distress for me when I hurt someone from doing something thoughtless. So my hope is I can know work on the parts that are messed up..... so for me hopefully life changing because I think I’ve been doing this for a lifetime. 

[utopia]

That's a really great AHA moment @Teej. You need that to then be able to follow the steps to change the behavior. Not easy but doable if broken down into baby steps and given time. Well done.
What stops me socialising? I think I've always preferred the company of a select small group of friends. Moving to this little country town 6 years ago. I didn't know anyone. The only people I met were other parents at my sons sporting events. I know this sounds rude or up myself, but I found their conversations boring. It's all footy talk or inseminating cows or drenching sheep. We don't really have anything in common. And I struggle with the ethics of how many of them farm their animals and burn their paddocks of stubble. It's the old outdated, cruel and environmentally harmful way of farming.
Then there are a few people like me who love our forests, mountains and landscape our animals and support those most in need of help in the community and aren't racist or homophobic or sexist or anti different religions. But these people are all busy working. But most of all they are very intellectual. They use educated speech. I don't speak like that. So yes I guess I do worry that I won't fit in.
I have attended a few events they have run. I normally stand by myself. Which is hard, but I make the effort to go.
Then my depression creeps in and I'm in bed or in hospital again. So I struggle really getting to know this small group of like minded people.
I guess in a way I could go to these events with someone else and then together meet other people. But my best friend isn't into the same stuff as me.
Shit. All this just makes me feel really lonely.
At 46 it is hard to make friends.

[utopia]

There is one local who I chat with on our local Facebook page. He and I have very similar views on most things. But he is a friends ex husband. Also, I'd prefer not to have a special friendship with a man. As it's too easy for me to mistake friendship fir something else. So I'd prefer female friends.

[Teej]

No it doesn’t sound stuck up. I get it. @utopia The whole point of socialising is to enjoy it and take you out of your head in a positive way, for me that has to be stimulating too. 

The fixit mind of mine wants to find an easy solution for you but the empathic person in me is walking in your shoes in real life in a similar way. I get how hard it is. I’m only just beginning to open my eyes again to even begin to see what it will take to start my life again and create a meaningful life. I’m a scared overweight old bag (have 5 yrs on you -am 51 😘, just to one up you 😜). I am broke as anything. I’m sure the only way we can do this is to try to find baby steps and not focus on the future. I’ve been going to psycho social groups for a couple of years which has given me a bit of confidence but has also been helpful to discover what else is in the community. It takes time to do this so don’t be hard on yourself. Maybe as you find confidence opportunities will open up you didn’t know about. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to take a friend to the first session or two to something new. They don’t have to like it but just being there might help. I’m sure she would rather do this and be bored out of her brain but see you inspired and passionate again. This is so easy to type for you but so hard to do I know. 

Go easy @utopia. Age is just a number. Just one day at a time is the number you need to work with. Ha throw that one back at me at will 💜🤗

[utopia]

Remember @Teej - Age Is Just A Number
lol.
Someone told me of a book club that meets in the next big town. So I'll check that out tomorrow.
I'm also a 'fix it' type. I really struggle to shut up and not offer advice when people just need to get it off their chests. It's not natural to me to not try and help. So I get it. We are two peas in the same pod

[Appleblossom]

@utopia I hear you about wanting to find like minded stimulating people. I hope the book club works out. We cant rush these things. They take time and you have pretty good instincts for sifting through the issues.  Sometimes I find them in choirs, or in folkclubs, at the zoo, or here on this forum!

@Teej Thanks for your 'walking the dog' share and helping me on my roller coaster.

As single mums it really has helped break down my sense if isolation by gradually getting to know you both.

[utopia]

@Appleblossom. Being a single mum is so hard and can be isolating.
I told my psychologist today just how lonely I am. For the past 12 & 1/2 years I've been looking after my son on my own.
I'm tired of it only being me all the time. Having no partner means I do all the cooking cleaning healthcare education sports music and other entertainment my son needs. I pay the bills, do repairs etc. Do all the worrying. I'm so tired of doing it on my own.
I'd love to have a partner to share some of these tasks, to talk with, to love