Difficulty telling people how I really feel.

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Sahara & @Owlunar, it helps me more than you know to hear the details of your stories. This nasty end of life business nobody talks about in our culture. Although I have seen a fair bit on ABC news lately about home palliative care. Sahara, I relate to you having to on the couch to calm re high anxiety, am the same when things are intense. Just thinking about how to handle the family dynamics when mum dies makes me feel sick. I don't know, I think maybe I'll just drop off the planet, or.... I can't do it, be there. You no not one of my siblings irvparents have come to visit me since my youngest got her wings and left me alone. Oh God knows how dedpirate I was to feel loved but it didn't come, maybe a phone call, tx or letter - now 6.5yrs. Its always been a one way street with them, I'm done. I think.

Watched a good Pierce Bronsnan (hunk) movie tonight "Thomas Crown Affair" Quite the destruction.

Night 🌿

[Sahara]

Thanks @Owlunar

for writing and sharing the end of life experiences with your parents. I think it must be a little easier when someone passes and you have a very loving relationship with them, as you say. When it is a difficult relationship, like I had with my Mum, it might be harder.

Although I had years of counselling to try and understand the dynamics of my relationship with my Mum, I never outwardly challenged her on anything and I did not feel that it would be helpful (to me) to do that. 

She was an unusual woman and lived in her own world, to a great extent. I don't know how to best describe her- but I would say she was certainly never harsh or unreasonable on purpose. If I had challenged her on her bullying and controlling techniques, then she would have been at a total loss to understand what I was talking about and it would have hurt her, too. 

She knew that I had treatment for depression and she would have probably just put it down to that... that I was an unstable person due to my MI... and so I made accusations about her behavior which were baseless!!

We had a chance to talk about a lot of things before she died.... she told me a lot about her life... from what I could tell, her stories did not match with reality! But I just let all that pass- there was no way I was going to upset her happy (false) memories- if that is what she truly wanted to believe.

One of the things she told me is that she and my Dad had such a wonderful marriage and never, ever argued!!  The real truth was that they were verbally at each others throats, pretty much every day throughout my childhood and it was scary. I had panic attacks as a child, being raised in that environment.  

Oh, well, I suppose that's what some people do; they just make up a whole lot of b.s. to suit themselves when they are dying... I guess they are allowed to. But it's confusing for me. 

Anyway, one of the things that came out of all this is that I am so glad I never became a parent and that I never had the opportunity to confuse a poor innocent child with my weird life. 

At least the cycle will not get repeated with me. 

[Sahara]

Hi @Former-Member,

I know what it's like when people don't come to visit you or acknowledge you! Before I got married, I was very lonely and I was always calling people up and trying to make plans to get together or just have a chat over the phone.

Once I met my husband, I was no longer lonely and so I found that I was rarely calling people up- and do you know what? The silence was deafening!! No-one called me or wanted to see me. 

So it had been all me- I was the one who wanted company, so I was the one making all the effort. As soon as I stopped calling, I was obviously out of everyone's thoughts immediately. How funny.

I dunno, @Former-Member, I think it's just a sign of the times... it's the way the world is right now.... people are so busy running around, chasing their own tails! If you want to see people, you really do have to make a point of calling them and going over to see them.

But yeah, I have had this issue too. 

[Former-Member]

Oh Sahara, that sounds like my mum, you poor thing, did your mum ever have a MI diagnosis? I have so much I'd like to ask my mum to clarify before she died, but like you I don't see the point because she too has a habit of making things up (lies) and as you point out - they're untitled. A coping mechanism I guess, avoidance etc.

Sorry you haven't had children, I think you'd be a great mum. But having said that, unexpected things happen and stress builds up and no parent is perfect. When my hubby did what he did and I had to flee and raise kids with no support - I yelled a lot 😞 and got very depressed (lazy, messy, sad angry and withdrawn...), and well, it ended up being a train wreck to what I wanted for them :(. I really learned then that love isn't enough and I'm not a great mum. I deliberately give my boys all the space they want now without grumbling (unlike my own interfering trouble making, self centred, MI mother), to give them half a chance at making it. The genetic influence is powerful enough (poor souls). I have even had the sad thought that my 12yo getting her wings too soon - that maybe she's better off.

But it hurts, all of it, and letting go if what I once held so dear. I miss them so much, all of them, and worry if they're ok every day still, and pray... But I do feel alone, and wonder 'what the hell was that all about? the 'family' thing that I gave most my life to? What was the point? What now? Life is not easy or fair. I have to believe were still here for a purpose.

Well, the kettles boiled for a much needed cuppa. Nice to be able to check in somewhere In tbe world with humans. Sahara, just wanna say i love the way you write about this stuff, with your calm logical mind. Thank you for being here 🌷🌿

[Owlunar]

Hi @Sahara

I have people who come and take me shopping or do my heavier housework and I get along with them - and I have a social life at my medical clinic where I go twice a week - and I get along with nearly everyone I meet - except my sister

But I find apart from that - except for my daughter - other family are people I might exhange comments with on FB but I have tired of being the one to ring - and I am so easy to brush off - I like my own life I think

I have had the years and the education to live alone happily and most of the time I am happy in my own skin - which is fortunate - but when it comes to reaching out - and I am alone most of the time - I have tired of it - and rarely do

I think this is a symptom of the suburban wilderness - which could translate into social wilderness - people are too busy with the life they have in front of them to bother much - like I think to myself - "It's too early - too late - they are too busy - whatever - to call" - I give up

Many years ago I was walking in the street and saw a friend sitting in her lounge - and she had sheers and probably didn't know I saw her - I knocked on her door and saw her get up and move away from the window - and never answered

People are entitled to do whatever they do - but this is also true

Mankind cannot live entitled for him/herself. In time the race will cease to exist, There is a desert of loneliness out there and I am part of it - and this is a sad fact

Dec

[Sahara]

Thanks @Former-Member,

but with respect to you, I absolutely doubt that I would be a good Mum.... I think the number one requirement for being a good mother is to actually want to have children in your life- and I don't! You have to want to go down that whole self-sacrificing path - giving up your free time and your own interests in order to nurture another human being. It must be rewarding.... but just from what I have seen with my own friends and their kids.... hmmmmm. Honestly, parenthood really does not look all that rewarding to me! 

Yeah, but to other women, motherhood is the Holy Grail of life experiences.... I realize that. 

My Mum was never diagnosed with MI and would never have thought that she had any issues- no way! She worked all her life- she was a professional, never had a day of sick leave or anything like that. She raised 3 kids who all turned out fine members of society (apart from me with my depression and substance use, my sister being an emotionally-stunted workaholic and my brother... I  wouldn't have a clue about him, actually)

I would say from my own experience that my Mum suffered from severe anxiety, social anxiety, low self-esteem and some kind of dependancy issues with my Dad. Otherwise, she was just angry all the time, really. She never sought help for anything and her main coping mechnism was to take long naps. She didn't drink or use pills. She only went to the doctors about physical illnesses- and then she didn't go all that often for those illnesses, either. 

[Sahara]

Hi @Owlunar,

I'm sorry if you experience loneliness, sometimes. It is the scourge of our times! It still feel it occasionally. But I'm not a hugely social person... I think I have been burnt one too many times by people. I sort of like people, until I get too close to them, and then I realize I am better off without them!

I suppose it is all about finding balance. 

You know, with your friend who would not answer the door- she would have had her own issues. She might not have even seen that it was you at the door- she might have assumed it was a salesman or a religious representative. Or she might have just felt like crap and didn't want anyone to see her that way.

You know, the older I get, the more I find it acceptable to not answer the phone or not answer the front door. Sometimes, you just don't feel like it. 

I can name a few times I've hidden from people or left their calls unanswered. I'm sure they have done the same to me!

[Tyler77]

I think that you have nothing really to be frieghtened of.  You told her how you feel and that's that.  That whole showing up to your house out of the blue thing, is alittle concerning though.  That indicates either no social skills or a complete disregard for personal space and privacy.  I only dropped by unexpected sometimes at my best friends houses.  But more often than not, Id give them a call before hand.  I can totally understand how that probably creeped you out.  It would have creeped me out too.  

The key to being honest with people i think are the three filters:  Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it True?

having those three things filter your content, I dont think you can go wrong.  Often, being bluntly honest with others will NOT be kind.  Because the truth can be very hurtful.  Also, how necessary is it that this woman be made aware of your personal feelings toward her?  Anyways, thats how I filter my content ideally.  However, every once in awhile, I find myself not being kind nor really stating whats necessary...

No one is perfect, but you seem to be very articulate and i am sure you came across in a kind and respectful manner.  🙂

[Former-Member]

Fair enough @Sahara, you're OK.

Gosh, all these difficult relationships and insecurities and hard circumstances. Any wander we lock ourselves away when we can. I say 'fair enough!' Whatever it takes.:)

[Sahara]

Thanks @Tyler77,

I think I am over my stress regarding that woman now. She has been pretty easy to forget, really. As soon as I threw myself into applying for my PhD, I moved on from her.

I realise that I had no need to feel frightened.... but because of my particular psychological problems, if I do say something that isn't "nice" to someone, even if it rings absolutely true to me, I feel really upset and awful.

It's like I have been trained since birth to be super nice and accommodating towards everyone, and if I break that pattern for any reason, it just feels so wrong and my anxiety goes off the scale. I hope that one day I will be able to express myself without so much anxiety...

Right now, yeah... it's hard to explain. Maybe I am afraid of being an 'angry woman' like my Mum was? Maybe I am afraid that I am not 'nice'? I mean, no-one is nice 24/7 are they? We are all entitled to get stroppy with people, when people disappoint us.