SANE Online Forums

Saving Lives. Crisis Support. Suicide Prevention.

Forums

Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

  • 47,612Members
  • 1,239,641Posts
  • 1,400,000Visitors
Our stories

A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

Re: A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

@Emelia8 💞

tenor.gif

 

Re: A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

Thanks @Snowie for your offer to listen, which you offered on the RUOK thread.  Didnt want to clog it up, so thought best to come here instead.  Fact is, I do need someone to listen, hear and understand me right now. So I really appreciate you being there for me.  Dealing with a few things right now which are all combining to put me in a pretty bad place.  And one which I cant seem to see a way through at present.  Life just seems too hard to bother with any more.  And I really dont have any reason to stick around, if you know what I mean?  This may seem a little long-winded, for which I'm sorry.  But I havent written on my thread or provided an update in some time.  Its overdue.  So here goes.

 

Today is RU OK? Day.  And I’m not okay!

 

I am suffering badly from constant severe physical pain for the past three months. The pain is incessant and does not permit sleep. Rare snatches of exhausted sleep are all I’ve managed to get in those three months ... sometimes only minutes, sometimes up to an hour or so. Which is barely enough to function.  There seems no end in sight, no relief pending. No pain killer makes a difference, does not even take the edge off.  That’s typical with strong nerve pain ... even strong opiate painkillers don’t help.  I have a back injury with two herniated spinal discs compressing both the spinal cord and the nerves down both legs.  I’m completely exhausted and drained from being in constant pain and from lack of sleep.

 

I’ve been waiting to get in for spinal injections into the nerve sheath to try to alleviate the extreme pain. It’s a specialised field and done under CT guidance, and a specialist has to come up from Sydney. Unfortunately the one who comes to my local town has been ill himself so has not been coming, and the imagining place have no idea when he will return. I’ve been advised to go to another larger town over an hour away and I now (finally) have an appointment there in two weeks. But it means driving there and back, which is difficult for me right now.  It will mean a few stops along the way due to pain.  And they don’t allow you to drive after the procedure,  due to the effects of the spinal injections. The legs may not work for a while!  So it will mean I have to stay up there overnight. 

 

That means leaving my poor little dog Holly behind, which I hate doing.  I can leave her with my neighbour if need be, but she just isn’t well, and I fear that each day could be her last. She had xrays last week at the vets to determine exactly what was causing all her breathing issues.  Turns out she has 4 contributing factors which is causing all her problems.  She has the collapsing trachea which I was pretty sure she had.  But it turns out that she also has a soft palate problem, an enlarged heart and fluid on her lungs.  Each one of these ailments causes breathing difficulties. Each individually probably would not cause major problems for her. But in combination, it explains why she has been so unwell.  I asked the vet if we were doing all we could for her.  He said yes.  I also needed to know if she was in pain.  He said no.  So I just have to keep her with me and try to keep her happy and comfortable as long as possible.  She is on medication to help open up her airways and to help reduce the fluid on her lungs.

 

I do have one piece of good news  ... I am now fully vaccinated against COVID, having had my second Pfizer jab a few weeks ago.  That’s a relief and I’m grateful for being able to have it.

 

I had a mammogram and ultrasound tests done on Monday. It’s just on a year now since I had my breastscreen scan which resulted in a diagnosis of aggressive early stage breast cancer. That diagnosis came just on a year after my Mum died of breast cancer. I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist in 10 days time to review scan results, ongoing treatments, progress post surgery, etc.  Once you have cancer, this is something you learn to live with I suppose.  These regular checks and scans, and the anxiety of waiting for results is really hard though.  So too, is knowing that the cancer can return at any time and any place.

 

I received news that my Mother-in-Law in Perth had died two nights ago.  You may recall that my husband’s father died in November last year.  My husband then died 5 months later.  And now my MIL has died five months after my husband.  My in-laws live in WA, so I am not able to be there for the funeral due to COVID. Even without that restriction, I would not be well enough to go anyway.  It was the same situation when my FIL died last November. There were COVID restrictions then too, and it was also only a few days after my cancer surgery. That was a really difficult situation for my husband at the time because he was the eldest son and he felt it his duty to organise the service and to be there.  This latest loss of my MIL, adds to an already heavy emotional toll which seems to have been escalating this year. And it also brings back the shock and mental pain of losing my husband in April.  The traumatic circumstances of his death, and my frantic attempts to revive him, are still so fresh in my mind.

 

I’m feeling very alone, very needy.  I know I haven’t been around much lately ... and that’s largely due to self-preservation and the fear of doing or saying the wrong thing here. I can’t bear the thought of losing access to here, and the people I consider friends, on top of everything else. But I need to be here right now, I need to be around people.  I have nobody here since hubby died, just sweet little Holly. I have one dear friend who I speak with over the phone sometimes, but it’s not the same as someone physically being there.  I need reassurance that I’m not alone, that I’m heard and understood, and that people actually care.

 

@Anastasia @BlueBay @Bow @Shaz51 @WIP @NatureLover @Snowie @HenryX @Bunniekins @Owlunar @Eve7 @saltandpepper @Peri @outlander @Oaktree @Sophia1 @Appleblossom @Clawde @Sans911  @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @eth @Bellarose75 @Lee82 @cloudcore @TideisTurning 

 

Emelia 💞

 

Re: A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

You are the best my @Emelia8  so glad today, you are around I need your support today, so sorry I can't help ########## but I could I would be with you , so here I am in our forum world just right here right now from your @Shaz51 @Anastasia @BlueBay @Bow @ anybody not mentioned but passing through this is for you too 👍

Re: A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

Thank you @Clawde ... you really are a shining light in my otherwise dark world.

I am sorry to hear that you also need support today.  If it helps, I am happy to listen.  We can commiserate together?

Re: A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

Hi @Emelia8 

Firstly, thank you for including me in your post. I hope it helps, even a little, in getting all of this out and writing it down. 

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain and I am sorry to hear that it is having such an effect on your overall life. I hope that you are able to have the injections soon and that they help with the pain. If staying in hospital overnight needs to happen then hopefully it is worth it.

 

Little Holly sounds like she is doing it tough too. It is hard when we don't know how long we have left with them. I am glad she is in no pain but it is still hard. Especially when they are more then just a pet, they are our whole life.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL, it sounds like you have had to deal with so many losses this year and it does not get any easier. When I have a death in the family it always seems to trigger the events around my father's death. It is hard when it ignites these memories and feelings.

 

Please remember that you are not alone hon. We are here for you and care deeply for you. Whether that is to listen, talk too or just sit with, the kettle is always on and the tea is always hot.

💜💜

 

 

Re: A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

@Emelia8 

So sorry to hear of your troubles. I do hope you will get some relief for your pain issues soon. It's ok not to be ok! Good on you for reaching out to your friends for support. 

Re: A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

💜💜💜 @Emelia8 ..... you are not alone.  
I am struggling to write much in support of anyone else at the moment - my legal situation is very heavy and so is my heart in response - but my thoughts and well-wishes are with you, and I am still sitting amongst my forum friends in solidarity .....

 

Hugs n hugs ...... this time and its challenges / struggles will change with time and perseverance.

 

🌷 F&H

Re: A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

Dearest Em @Emelia8 

I am so sorry to read your update and so wish I could just pop over irl and join you for lunch today...wish on.

I hear you that life is just so difficult right now and only exacerbated by your severe pain and hesitancy to share on here for "fear" of saying the "wrong" thing. I won't make any suggestions but will just say I am here on good days and bad but wanting to sit with you at any time,

I've bolied the jug and am about to make a green salad including avocado for our lunch.

Do you want a chai or a real leaf tea? I can do either or both. Table cloth is out as is the silver...when only he best will do.

Lots of love 💜💚

Re: A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

Nice 👍 jug is in and a cup of tea, just what @Clawde would like right now, had to deal with credit card fraud this morning some ###### used my card at a betting agency lucky for me the bank stopped it but now I have to through the ##### of stopping regular payments iver to the new card don't need this or deserve this on top of my MH problems it's all too much on top of it all, but still I survived ######### 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

Yes thank you @Snowie , it does help. Life has just changed so much lately ... loss of loved ones, diagnosis of serious disease, and now extreme pain from injury.  Life has become very blurred and foggy. I see everything through a veil of pain ... physical, emotional and psychological. And brain fog from a lack of sleep on top of that. Just so hard to see a path out of it all. Getting to a stage of thinking that I dont want to anymore. And the only thing I have left in my life is Holly, and I likely only have months at most left with her. When she goes, I have nothing left. Crap! Cant do it any more.

My favourites

Members feature!Log in to add spaces, events and discussions to your favourites.

Resources
Guidelines and technical support

All guidelines and technical support

Crisis support

SANE services are not designed for crisis support. If you require immediate support, please contact one of the service providers below.

Members online

No one is online right now. Hold tight and someone will be along soon.