Thanks @Owlunar @Faith-and-Hope & all, burst into tears that you care, with a visual, bringing hot choc. I'm struggling not knowing what to believe about myself. Outsiders will never know what's been sacrificed or endured in my caring for dad. He was happy. I did 'pride' myself in that, and how he's health improved... Maybe I got too 'proud' and God used them to bring me down a peg. When ppl look for wrongs so hard - they'll always find something. It was bad enough being criticised by the ugly siblings, now them. Why would I put myself through more of that (by taking dad back home and continuing to be his 24/7 carer?), trouble is "damned if you do - damned if you don't". If I put myself first and walk away - I've abandoned him. If I go back I have to 'spoon feed' a 9-5 stranger everything they need to take over. All my hard work pulling it together (mum had understandably lost the plot), Gosh that was hard, and oh yeah - my mother had died, hello. But if I withdraw from caring for dad - this is what the ugly siblings want & in that sense have 'won' As their big sister (childhood sarogate mum because mum & her MI never did coped with so many babiesbabies...), as the big sis I learned never to let the 'todfler' win.
No, my absence is not what's best for dad, but being there is not what's best for me.
See what happens when you love someone, and slog ya guts out convincing them not to give up and 'everything will be OK' (because I'll make sure it is...), then I do it... for almost a year...
Dad was so scared when mum died, I felt it, and saw it in his eyes, and I literally carried him through. I needed to, its who I am.
Rambling on again... I guess i will just wipe away the tears, get up and keep packing my life up.
There's a chch person frequenting (unusual) I've given her lots of things, now she wants my beautiful sewing machine. She wants to buy this one. I had hoped to do more sewing - maybe I won't. I don't know what to say to her, or if just to let everything go. Vultures 😞 Blackdog says I'm gonna die soon anyway.. I just don't know anymore. Doesn't feel like I'm gonna make it. I'm trying, really hard...
