Lived Experience Forum

[4TRS]

I'm new here, I can't afford to get the help I need but I know I need some.. so here we are. 

I havent had the worst life but it's been lonely. Childhood wasn't the worst it could be but it wasn't easy and definitely hard. School wasn't much better, I got bullied a lot. So home wasn't good and school wasnt good and my parents took me to family counselling but spent the whole time telling the counsellor that it's my fault. Because I cry all the time and I get angry so quickly and I'm reactive. And in hindsight I can see that I was and have been my whole life. And I know something is wrong with me but I don't know why my brain thinks the way it does or why my emotions are so uncontrollable, i just wanna be like everyone else around me. I had my share of toxic relationships (in hindsight both me and them were toxic - im not sure if their behaviours were intentional but I never ever mean to be toxic and feel alot of guilt and shame after an episode). I don't have a lot of friends because maintaining relationships is really difficult for me. But I have a partner now who loves me and is patient and kind and I wanna be better. For me and more importantly for him. I don't think Ive ever had such a desire to be better, atleast not woth my previous partners. I coped with drugs and alcohol when I was with them. It's almost like I knew they weren't for me but I didn't want to be alone. But this is a good one and I don't want to lose him because I'm sick 😞 and I don't want to pick up bad coping habits again. So I'm doing what I can to get the help I need. 

I don't know what I'm asking really... does anyone feel this way or relate? 

Does anyone have any skills to help me?

Will I ever get better? 

[tacocat]

Hi there @4TRS 

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sure you will find our forums a welcoming and supportive place.

I just wanted to take a quick moment to welcome you, and thank you for being here. 

We hope that you find the forums a great place to connect with other members, share stories and ideas, and find the support and connection you deserve.

Feel free to Introduce yourself here if you haven’t already!

We look forward to seeing you around on the forums!

[Snowie]

Hi @4TRS 

Welcome to the Sane forums.

Firstly, if you want to tag someone just put a @ before their name and they will get a notification.

It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life. I'm sorry it had been to hard for you. No one deserves to go through all of that. 

I'm glad you have someone now that really loves you but can understand the fear of pushing them away and doing something wrong.

Even though the Forums are a really good source of support, there is help out there. If you have a Medicare card you can access 10 free psychological visits every year. No it's not a lot but at least it is something. All you have to do is get a mental health care plan and you can get that from any gp. To get the sessions you only have to see the gp once.

Sane also has a 14 week guided service program that anyone can use. Yes it is a bit of a wait but as someone who has used it before, it is well worth it. Here is the link Welcome to SANE’s Guided Service

I wonder what things you do to help yourself. Do you have any hobbies and/or interests that you do? 

I think it isn't down to getting better. I think mental health is a journey. Yes we can get to a point where we are happy within ourselves but it is something that everyone needs to work on. 

I hope this has helped a bit and I look forward to getting to know you more.

Snowie xoxo

[4TRS]

Thanks for the reply @Snowie, means a lot

I have had multiple mental health care plans over the years and seen many different psychologists.

Unfortunately I didn't find it at all helpful (I guess it takes time to find the right fit?it also didn't help that i tended to down play and mask alot during sessions due to being embarassed and feeling dumb for not being able to cope as well as others)I was previously diagnosed with anxiety and depression which are areas I still struggle with on occasions, but I feel they tend to be more of a symptom that comes on when I have an episode of emotional disregulation. 

Because I didn't gain much from psychologists in the past, I have till this point , taken it upon myself to do as much research into my brain and why i think and feel how i do. A lot of reflectiction on my past trauma and its corrolation to my mental health now. I found psychology frustrating at times because I am rational and felt like i was being told things i already knew or try things ive already tried... when im not triggered or having an episode I am high functioning, emotionally intelligent, and a version of myself that I dont hate. 

It takes the smallest thing to trigger a full meltdown. More often than not its a lot of crying (to the point of being physically sick and hyperventilating) and big feelings of not being enough and wishing i didnt have my brain (this is the hardest part for me - i cant escape myself). Started young, unpredictable father,  i walked on eggshells wont go into detail here. But had to stand up for my mum a lot because i got tired of how she let dad treat her, it just meant id cop the wrath from dad. I was left sobbing in my room for hours. Mum never came to my rescue.. but she was terrified of him. 😞

I'm aware avoiding triggers is a good solution but not practical. I fear abandonment, I'm aware my partner loves me and I have absolutely no reason not to trust him!. But I'm wired now to perseave everything as a threat because of being let down by others I trusted who were meant to care for me and love me. (I.e parents/ex partner) I can rationalise that he is not them but I can't help but to assume bad Intentions from everyone. I'm convinced everyone hates me and are out to get me. But requiring and asking for that level of reassurance constantly from the people around me isnt fair and wont help me learn to cope better.

I've tried hobbies, clay, jewellery making, digital art, playing the guitar.

 Didnt last longer than a week... most recently started a flower garden because flowers make me happy - hopefully gardening will stick. I often have no desire to do anything and have never been interested in doing anything. I like to walk and get outside, recent knee surgery has limited that which definitely is a contributing factor to how I'm feeling right now. 

Life isn't bad now, in reality, the only darkness I have left is inside of me but I'm determined. I know how bright my future will be if I can get a hold of this, find and learn skills to better manage day to day.

I have registered for Sanes guided service. I'm hopeful this time because I am ready to remove the mask and be vulnerable in talking about my experiences and my thoughts.

Sorry thats a lot to read. I want to thank you again for taking the time to respond to me and for sharing helpful information 

4TRS xx

[Snowie]

I'm sorry to hear that your psych sessions weren't helpful at all @4TRS 

You are right, it does take time to find the right fit for you. You finally get comfortable with a psych and your 10 sessions are up.

That must have been hard when you were a child. It's hard when we see a parent being treated like that. It feels like you are always in a heightened state. I went through some similar scenarios except I would walk on egg shells around my mum. I still do these days.

I think all your feelings and thoughts are very real and valid. I understand the abandonment feelings. It is one of the reasons why I have zero friends that I can call upon.

I'm glad that you have a loving partner who will stand with you through thick and thin. Yes it is hard to accept this but just knowing they are there brings some comfort. Even if that comfort doesn't show itself much or hidden deep inside of you.

Sometimes that desire to do things and to find the motivation is so hard to do. Days like that seem more frequent especially when our depression is up. Somedays I get to the end of the day and realise all I have done for that day is survive. I have learnt that on somedays that is enough within itself. I hope the garden brings you some joy. It is also pleasing to know that you want that change and help. Sometimes that is hard to admit to ourselves.

Glad you have registered with the Sane guided service. I found it helpful. I did find that opening up over the phone was easier then talking to someone in person. I didn't have to look the person in the eye.