.... continued from Night Shift this morning ..... potentially triggerin ....
@Mazarita @Former-Member @Spookytookims @Kurra
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I had watched the rest of a movie I had started with D3 the night before, the kids had decided they would have pizza because I was exhausted, and couldn't get up to make the dinner I had prepared, but S2 didn't want to be the one to order it. Presumably D3 was going to ....
I dozed off (again .... had done so late afternoon already) and woke up at 9pm WA time to find that D3 had gone into the shower, and had thought it wise to trim her hair ... except she wasn't happy with the result, and kept trimming .... 3/4 an hour later she had shoulder length hair instead of elbow length hair and came in to see me joking around about it, but clearly put out ....
I told her it was too late to order the pizza, and organised between D2 and D3 for S2 to have left-overs reheated (he would have just skipped the meal and eaten junk across the early hours of the morning, as in 3 - 4am). D2 and I had sweet potato chips and dip. D3 cooked something else for herself.
Then the cyclone hit ....
D3 came into my room and threw herself onto the bed, angry and upset about her hair, which had dried and was sitting puffy around her face, exaggerating how heavy she is at the moment. She started a self-deprecating tirade which included spouting that nothing was going to work in terms of her weight loss, so she was obviously going to have to take drastic dietary measures ....
I had tried to say several times that I wasn't up for this conversation, that she was over-wrought with the Uni tension along severity of the haircut, but that we should see how it was in the morning, and take it from there. She eventually left, leaving the door wide open, but I could feel the start of a panic attack, which is where I dived into convo with @Spookytookims on another thread, and decided to turn on piano music to help settle me down (S2 had been playing earlier).
I could tell that the way I had been feeling this week was underlying ... the sense of endless trudging towards an undetermined goal that can take over in a situation like ours if you don't keep applying distractions and mini-goals.
Five minutes later D3 returned and started again, spouting fury and starting to make it personal to our circumstances, without including WH directly, to which I responded that all this was pressing my buttons re WH and I really couldn't cope with any more ... and she was a full-on tempest by this point. That just added fuel to the fire, and after trying to stop her shouting at me by shouting back about the effect it was having on me,I had to just batten down the hatches and refuse to engage with her till she left my room again, furious, about ten minutes later.
In that state she was just full-on reactive. No sense or engagement of compassion was gonna get through. This is where the emotional abuse from WH has rolled forward in a pattern that can mean he is here amongst us even when he is not here, because someone has taken up his behaviour pattern and role by proxy .....
I fell asleep looking up in-patient eating disorder programmes here in our state. I try to avoid doing that because it's like a hungry person watching other diners through a restaurant window .... and I have woken up still feeling bruised and shaken. Am gonna get myself out for a walk and a good cry behind my sunglasses around the river, land myself in the coffee shop for something hot, and then think about getting myself to the Palm Sunday service at church.
I will throw some sort of offer to come in D3's direction, but some of her tirade last night was about having put on so much weight that nothing in her wardrobe fits anymore, which is just making her haircut all the more toxic in her circumstances .....
😔😪😤😒😠 ..... dolphins, come to Mumma ....
