Lived Experience Forum

[LostAngel]

Hi everyone today when I woke up this morning I felt depressed,in fact I woke up in the middle of the night last night convincing myself that Im a dissapointment to myself,special someone and family and then today I guess Ive prooved that negative thought to be true,because here I go again blocking people out,deleteing messages first it was messages that I had sent special someone a few days days back,understandaly I havnt heard from him since even though now I want to talk to him about it but now Ive made things worse today by believing my negative thought of being a dissapointment and so Ive deleted messages that I sent a family member as well,the worst is I try to hard to please people and I end up geussing or trying to mind read what others might be thinking or feeling and thats all caused by the overthinking so yeah maybe Im getting a bit paronoid,I mess things up with one person in my life so then I cant help but mess things up with others too,its like I do this to myself on prpose cause I dont allow myself to be happy with a special someone,he was good to me not perfect and yeah here I am thinking I can just mind read what everyone else thinks and feels so that I can keep from causing more conflict within myself,Im not sure what will happen with special someone as we are now not speaking since I deleted his messages,I cant just keep apologising to him without changing my behaviour to be more positive than negative,theres personal relationship issues in regards to communication on my end and intamacy on my end,I need to talk to him but I have no clue what he thinks or how he feels as to why I behave like I do,I dont allow myself to have a good thing or keep a good thing going,and I cant be a mind reader to fix things,I feel like going to his house to talk to him the special someone but I havnt ,so yeah a bad habit of deleteing my messages to people first special someones messages then a family members messages.

[LostAngel]

does anyone else have a habit of sending people messages only to then delete messages youve sent or does anyone else have a bad habit of not allowing themselves to have happiness with a significent other even though they like the person

[Jynx]

@LostAngel It is a tough spot to be, but you have an awareness of this pattern and you're wanting to change! It's hard when these things become ingrained cos of trauma, and takes time to try to build new habits of thinking, but the first step is always awareness. I hope today you are able to just give yourself a little break and be super gentle with yourself, and it might become a little easier to navigate the situation with some time and breathing room

[LostAngel]

hi @Jynx Ive decided to go to special persons house tomorow to talk about why I deleted messages and also to just see how hes feeling,talking is not something I want to do but its what I need to do cause of the continued issues and breakdown in communication,I am worried about his reaction as Im not sure what his reaction could be but I at least have to try instead of staying put worrying,as for family well I geuss thats easier to deal with Ill give them some breathing space for a bit till my personal stufs worked out,I dont know what his reaction could be he could be just like not be too bothered by it or he could be upset anyway its an inner conflict that Ill have to deal with by trying to talk to the person I need to talk to,Ill need to rehearse what Im going to say pluss I am in Victoria which means I have to wear a mask anyway at his front door so that might in one way help at first till we talk more in depth,I dont know if hell be home tomorow but yes Ill try my best to show up,talk and listen then leave.

[LostAngel]

then once I know how he feels or if hes bothered or not then Ill know

[Jynx]

@LostAngel Good on you - open communication is the way to go! Whenever I have a tough convo on the horizon I always make a little dot point list of what I want to say - really helps especially when the anxiety has a tendency to make me freeze up or forgetful.

Good luck, I'll be rooting for you

[LostAngel]

thank you, Ill do that

[LostAngel]

an update @Jynx advice from family has been to build up my self esteem,Also special someone read my messages that I sent after deleting other messages,but has not responded so I do still feel the need to speak to him in person tomorow,Ive typed up a list of things to explain,wish me luck for tomorow,Ive decided to drive over there as its not far but dont want to walk so Ill drive over so if need be its a quick exit in case ,what scares most is 1 not knowing what his reaction will be and 2 having to knock and wait at the front door,3 hope I dont stumble onto something I shouldnt for example the overthinking brain has thought possibly another girl there ect or what to do if one of his housemates opens the door instead,or if hes not home when I go around there but I still have to try and see what happens I guess if one of the housemates answers Ill just ask if hes home,and can I speak to him,as for his reaction Im not sure,as for a another girl possbly there well I would yell and leave fast I would be reacting alot about that one,Ill find out tomorow one way or another 

[Jynx]

@LostAngel  Yeah it's super hard - we humans are not so good at uncertainty, especially when we've had lots of trauma. I hope it goes well, and whatever the outcome we will be here with you after

[Oaktree]

Wishing you the best of luck for tomorrow @LostAngel 

Meggle