Lived Experience Forum

[Timematters]

Sad but true...I'm a 43yo who failed to launch in life...educated, intelligent (I feel the two are separate) a genuinely compassionate generous and loyal person...but I don't function in mainstream...I can be impulsive, struggle to regulate emotions, self destructive and have very poor boundaries.  I have had two significant relationships in my life and gave more than I should have to both, stayed longer than I should have and lost more than I could afford to.  I have no family with the exception of mum who since this time last year went into aged care...I cared for her for the 15 years before that.  I have two amazing friends and I've mastered the art of avoiding anything and everything I don't want to face.  My credit rating is shot to shit and I struggle to maintain a routine or be consistent in anything.  I spend my days tinkering, repairing bicycles found to resell and flipping what I can for extra income.  I am often reduced to years when alone thinking about my mother's slow demise and feel a little bitter about the fact that I've spent 21 years in a relationship giving all I could to another to now when I need someone they are both long gone.  I need to wake up out of groundhog but I don't even know where to begin...my GP is understanding and I have an exemption from job providers (thank Christ)...but there must be more to this life then simply shuffling through...I need to start living, find likeinded folk, stop choosing selfish and conservative partners and find a purpose for myself...I'm in anticipatory grief and am aware that things with mum will only get worse...I don't know how I'll cope with that...I hope I find some meaningful things before that time comes.  Oh and the short straw I drew is cptsd...but have a good therapist at present which is one thing I have managed to stick to. 

[HenryX]

@Timematters 

Hello Timematters

I was just about to go off to bed when I noticed your post.

Your synopsis of life for you, to date, is certainly challenging. I can say that I see some correlations between your life and my own.

I am significantly older than you are, so hopefully, some of what we can share, in terms of experience and knowledge, may be of relevance to some of the decisions that you may make for your future. That, I hope, may be of benefit to you in terms of direction. The benefit for me, or anyone else who responds to your posts, would be in the sense of sharing knowledge that may be useful to you, and thus giving satisfaction in that manner.

All the posts on this site are open for any reader. If you would like to see some of my background that I have shared with other members, and the style with which I correspond with other members on the site, you can:

• left-click on my forum address which is my forum name, "HenryX", preceded by the “@” symbol. @HenryX

• This will take you to my "Profile" page where all the correspondence with other members, since I joined in February '21 is listed under topic headings.

• It would be best to look at topics similar to yours, in that they indicate some concern or challenge that people are dealing with. There are other more chat and courtesy topics like “Good Morning” and “Today's Achievements” that may also be interesting.

• Left-clicking on a topic heading will take you to a particular post that relates to the topic.

• Scrolling up or down will take you through all the posts on each topic, by each of the various members who have been active in the topic discussion.

• If you feel that you and I may be able to share some useful ideas you can post a comment to me by 'copy and paste', into the reply box of this message, of my forum address, @HenryX , followed by a message to me.

• Or you may find other responses that you think may align more closely with your wishes.

• You can address anyone else by using their forum address.  ie Your Forum Address is @Timematters 
  

I do hope that this will give you a start in your search for ideas with regard to your circumstances and future direction.

Normally, I plan to be online early am and evening WAST though that is not set in concrete.

Look forward to chatting with you,Timematters, in future posts.

Goodnight.

With My Very Best Wishes

HenryX

Edit: phrase, in blue, added for completeness 10:15am 8 June '21 AWST

[SJT63]

@Timematters 

"find likeminded folk"

that's always the hard part, isn't it?

I'm the carer for a partner with some very complex mental health issues. I'm the one who's always had their shite together. Finding likeminded people that one actually wants to spend time with is a real struggle these days, even for me. I am much older than you, but probably not as old as some.

I don't suffer any sort of social anxiety per se, but "small talk" simply exhausts me by it's futility. Finally (at nearly 60) I have actually found my niche as a Civil Celebrant, so now I'm building up a business so that I can quit the full time office work that has been my master for the past two decades.

It is pleasing to hear that you have a therapist that is working for you as that too can be a bit of an uphill battle.

Let's explore your options. Besides bicycles, what are your passions? What motivates you and what do you look forward to doing?

[Judi9877]

Hi there @Timematters . Great to meet you👋.

When I read your post, you sounded very similar to what has happened to me, except for the relationships part. I'm also 43, well educated with a uni degree behind me plus several Tafe certifications as well but I have never been able to settle into a job or career path either. I have depression, BPD and schizophrenia to add to my collection of issues and I'm certainly not mainstream by any account. I find it hard to relate to people and emotional regulation is one of my weaknesses as well. I have a housemate/best friend who I have known for 5 years and she is great to be with as we have similar issues. I'm hoping to study mental health at Tafe soon to give me some hope of getting a job as I do volunteer work in the area and love it. I also do craft activities, particularly knitting which I knit items for a charity which gives me joy and purpose and it helps with my mental health as well. 

I read that you are worried about your Mum as she's in an aged care home. That's perfectly understandable. I only have my dad around although he's in the very distant background of my life due to his alcoholism but I don't really miss his company. To be honest, I miss my Mum more who died of cancer when I was a few weeks short of my 25th birthday and even though it's been nearly 19 years, I'm still not fully over her death and doubt I ever will be. Mum was very crafty and I've inherited that love off her so I'm keeping her memory alive by doing that. Are there any special things that you can do with your Mum to help you remember her in good way when the time comes? I know you spent a long time caring for her and that's a skill in itself and very loving of you, however I also understand you need to consider your future life.

What things do you like doing besides playing with bikes? Is there a men's shed in your area that you could visit and meet people there? What about further study options or some volunteer work? 

I hope you enjoy the forums. Take care!

Judi9877

[frog]

Hi @Timematters welcome to the forum. There's a lot in your post I can relate to, particularly re relationships. I am at a bit of a low ebb atm and don't have answers, but I wanted to say that I read what you wrote and I'm sorry it's so hard. I've been on the forum 4 years and it has helped me a lot. Making connections here helped me realise that I could, and that I had things to offer. It slowly translated into my life off the forum. I hope you find the same. Take care.

Hello @Judi9877 @SJT63 @HenryX good to see you about.

[Timematters]

Hello HenryX.

Thanks for the heads up on how to make my way through this virtual place...it'll be handy I'm sure.

I have no real sense of what I hope to gain from this or what benefit I envisioned it serving...I guess it was one approach to start facing where I'm at...there are always multiple approaches and I guess I'm exploring one now.  I was pleasantly surprised with how quickly and how many messages I received...very welcoming bunch.

Take care HenryX

[Timematters]

Wow...you must be a very loyal person...I'm not sure there are many who would be willing to care for a partner with mental health issues if they were fully functioning themselves...your partner is very fortunate to have found someone with enough depth to see beyond his mental health issues.  Then to be working full-time also...you are one of the people I would often look at and think how the f"*& do they manage...they must have more than 24 hrs in their day😁

I have lots of things that I enjoy doing...mostly things to do with my hands and repairing or making...I enjoy my sideline flipping...op shops I love, trash and treasure garage sales, auctions...I love going through collections and finding surprises...or scoring free stuff on gumtree or Facebook that I know I can sell...it's time consuming, irregular, unpredictable, at times with certain customers annoying also...but I seem to have a knack for it...I'm resourceful in that way...a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget.  I've had flops also...but it's what I then do...instead of saving...it mostly goes on meth and day to day expenses.  I cringe when I think how much I've made and squandered...and I do this even though my biggest wish is to one day not be at anyone's mercy...not Centrelink or housing authority...to have enough of a back up to tend to my life myself...but day to day I live in a way that ensures that can't happen...I'msure there's more to that than I'm aware of right now.

Anyway...thanks for getting in touch... apprieciate it.  I have two others to ply to also...but may do that tomorrow night as eyes are dropping😴

Take care 😊