Lacking direction, unsure of what I need to do and generally just fed up.......

[Owlunar]

@MDT 

Hi Ham - 

It sounds soul-destroying - being in a job you hate during a pandemic - and the people you work with seem to be just as lost - maybe they cope with it differently - it seems like the pits to me

And it seems you have depression - I don't really know enough of your story - I know a lot happens in your thread that I don't get to read - it moves very fast - but having something like depression and anxiety adds to our interpretation of life - and in a really dry, unsatisfying environment you must feel lost - and maybe some time out and maybe looking for another job would be an alternative

When do you take that step? That's a hard question - or maybe the question is easy and the answer is hard - I don't know enough about your financial situation to know if it would be better to just resign and look for a better position

I'm thinking of you - it sure ain't easy being green - you are very honest with us here - and it does look bleak - I have just the pic here somewhere - you seem to have the bleakies - and I am sorry about that - having had the bleakies from time to time

Dec

I like this better than the Bleakies - this is the Frustration at the Situation - I think.

[MDT]

Hey @Owlunar

You know you always have such insight on here and it is very welcome.

I believe you are right about time out to look for something else. That is the best.

You know today there was an info session at work for the recruitment period that I applied to very recently and didnt get to the the next level. My manager asked me if I was going and she was shocked to hear that I wasn't and so I told her why and she was surprised i I didn't make it to the next level.

Word spreads like a virus around this joint. Damages one's ability to function like a normal human.

You are right yes - depression and anxiety. This year I swore I was bipolar at one point but I wasn't. I take medication under consultation from a doctor (note that for guidelines etc).

[Schitzo]

@MDT

 have a good day at work. Hopefully your work day will pass quickly so you are able to go home and relax 🌞

[MDT]

@Judi9877 @Shaz51 @TAB @Bunniekins @BlueBay @Meowmy  @Appleblossom @frog @eth @Angels333 @Owlunar @Former-Member @Jacques @Former-Member @Maggie @Eve7 @DJMasters @BPDSurvivor @oceangirl @WIP @Schitzo @Emelia8

Overall it was okay today. My colleague whom I thought put in a request to avoid me was there today and we had a laugh about the situation from last time. I apologised again but fair to say its in the past. She was surprised that I was passed over for the job ad. But it is what it is. As I said last week - I will never apply for another job at this department again.

In terms of leave I haven't quiet figured that out just yet. I have applied for the Christmas week. But that's it. Even though it's a public service job I've hardly been the beneficiary of the luxuries one may expect from such a role. My flexible work hours was a glitch and I had no control over it. Arguably I should be getting paid more than what I am given there are many bludgers around. Its also a job I have never really actually liked.

I have had somewhat of a crisis about what to do with my life and what direction to go in. I am genuinely stuck. The only thing I am passionate about is my writing and there is no money in that. No one pays good money for insights unless it comes from someone with a high class degree from a top flight university. I have neither.

I don't even want to know what my official pay rate actually is. Its not as high as what I want or indeed deserve but here is the problem... I have absolutely no clue about what to do for a career or opportunities. I hate being stuck. I hate it so much. And I am past "trying" different things because I pissed away that time in my early 20s.

I hate everything to do with jobs, career and employment. There is so much baloney out there about it.
I feel like a loser because I probably am.

At least my day wasn't hell today. But that just isn't enough - going through the motions to avoid hell is not the life I want or deserve.

I have thought of law or business but both require commitment and money. I have no money and adding to my HECS debt is stupid. That is already enough at 35k and I have fat nothing to show for it.

Its a trying time etc etc I get it. But for once I would like some clarity in life.

The way things are at the moment I wont get anywhere. I'll be stuck in this shite job. I'll die alone. I wont ever have a relationship. I'll be stuck in home forever and my entire life will collapse.

Thats how it feels.

[MDT]

I am sad 😔

[MDT]

I'm sorry

[Meowmy]

@MDT hey Hamza, don't think too far ahead. It will never turn out the way we imagine. Enjoy small pleasures. Lucky we are still alive, got somewhere to live and it's clean. We still have jobs. Still have some people who care. 

[Jynx]

Hey @MDT I'm so sorry you're stuck in this rut at the moment. It's so hard when we are told our whole lives that in order to be happy we need to have a meaningful career. But not all jobs can be like that, and then meaningful pursuits like writing are not able to earn sufficient income to cover basic needs. It's extremely unfair, so it's okay to be feeling lost and frustrated with your circumstances.

I hope something does shift for you soon, and even if you're running out of hope right now, know that I am holding onto some for you 

[MDT]

the basics hey @Meowmy

[MDT]

That's very kind of you @Jynx to say so

THank you for that 🙂